I think I've found what I've been searching for

[CodependentApple]

Hello,

I'm new to the board. My mother has "narcissist traits" per my various therapists over the years. I've coped by becoming deeply codependent with her, trying to manage her moods. Some of the things she's done hasn't been all that bad but there's been some doozies particularly in my youth (attempting suicide in front of me being the worst). I think sometimes the intermittent nature of her narcissist behavior is the difficult piece of the relationship that makes me unable to fully separate (ie stop my codependent behavior).

She's on anti-anxiety medication which has made her happier and less prone to anger. But she's getting older, needing more help from me and my siblings. It's hard for me to stop my codependent behavior when she has legitimate needs (cleaning her fridge, selling her car, etc).

I also feel bad for her because I'm sure there is some reason for her behavior from her childhood (borderline abuse, neglect, lack of demonstrated love, etc.).

I really identify with fear, obligation and guilt.

Thanks for reading.

Codependent Apple

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, Apple. I identify with much of what you say. My mother is a full on narc (undiagnosed) and the enmeshment and co-dependency I got into was huge. Mine also had a dreadful childhood, so I have some sympathy/understanding of why she is how she is. But I also wonder why, then, she would choose to treat her supposedly much-loved children in such an awful way?

You mention the intermittent nature of her narc behaviour. I'd like to invite you to think about that some more, especially since you say that is a big part of why you are finding it hard to separate. I thought my mother's bad behaviour was intermittent. In some respects it was, in that the most awful displays were intermittent. However she had me doing my absolute utmost, at all times, to keep the "nice" mother around, which meant pandering to her 24/7 in the hopes that all would remain OK.

I have been slowly withdrawing for the last few years, employing strategies such as low contact and grey rock. Since starting therapy during last year I have been understanding more about the dynamics of our relationship. What I realise is that her "nice" behaviour is put on to further her own agenda just as her outbursts are. I also realise that I am not able to control her behaviour in any way at all, and never was. I could be nice as pie, good as gold, and it was no guarantee she would not fly off the handle or attack me in some way. Basically, she wants someone around to supply attention and adulation, and actually it does not much matter who that is. If I am not doing it, she finds someone else. So my niceness to her is not valued because it is coming from her daughter and she appreciates it for that. It is valued because I am providing a service. Your mother's need for a clean fridge may well be legitimate - but why should it be you who provides that service?

Finally, what I should have said first. Welcome to the forum. I am glad you found your way here and I am sure you will find support and understanding.

[bloomie]

CodependentApple - hi and welcome to Out of the FOG. I read compassion and growing awareness of both yourself and your mother in your post. As an adult daughter of a disordered and addicted mother I am another who can relate to so much of what you are sharing. I am really glad you reached out for support and insights to this wonderful community.

We have so many resources for you all over the forum boards. The toolbox, traits info, book and other online resource recommends are pure gold. Read, soak it in, and as you are able, join the conversations taking place throughout the boards.

Seeing others who I do not know describing my own lived experience with my own mother... others who absolutely get it and who believe me and who support me has been healing like nothing else I have done in my own long recovery journey. I hope you find your time here to be of great comfort.

I would also mention something one of our wise founding members says: "Someone can treat you great 90% of the time and terribly 10% of the time and you feel bad 100% of the time." 

Intermittent emotional abuse and acting out toward us creates an atmosphere of risk every day with every interaction. And our hearts, minds, and bodies KNOW IT even when our conscious mind wants to minimize it. Does that seem like some possible truth for your own experience?

One of the most important mantras you will hear around here is: I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it.  The 3 C's Rule

There is only one person we can control, cure, change... and this is ourselves. This was the beginning for me. Understanding and living in a new awareness of where I begin and my mother ends.

Keep coming back and sharing. It helps so very much to know you are not alone!

[CodependentApple]

Thank you for your responses. It's amazing reading some of this. My therapist said she's heard what I'm saying from many people and that I'm not alone. The truth is you can't really feel it until you find those people who understand.