I forgot how bad it is...

[Stepping lightly]

Hi All- It's been a long while since I posted.  For the most part, things had settled down with BM.  Kids are older, we have less communication with BM, Covid was helpful to minimize contact etc.  I actually popped in here the other day to see what was going on, and thought "I don't miss those days where I needed to post a lot here"....and now I am here..needing to post.  This may long and rambly, so I apologize in advance.

DSD17 needed major emergency surgery just over a week ago.   After surgery, BM told DH "don't come see DSD, she feels terrible", then a few minutes later said, "come if you want, I can't tell you not to come" (the order gives DH the right to visit DSD in the hospital).  We waited until the next day (Monday), and we visited DSD Monday and Tuesday, just sat with her for a bit.  Wednesday DH got a text from DSD telling us she was in too much pain for visitors and we shouldn't come, and have received the same request each day since (DSD can tell us not to come, but BM is limited by the order- a little BM loophole).  We of course don't want to go against DSD's wishes, but to say this has been an excruciating week emotionally does not even start to portray how we feel.  BM is giving DH drops of information, not complete and then not responding.  So, all in all, we have been pretty in the dark and terribly worried.  Our hearts broke even more yesterday when DSD revealed she has had "family friends" visiting her.  We assumed this, but it was really hurtful to know for sure.

Family member comments, "Just go to the hospital", "Call the doctor directly for more information".   Every time someone asks for an update on how she's doing, I have to say "I am not sure" I appreciate them caring, but we know both of those responses will ENRAGE BM and DSD will pay for it.  We know the game now, BM wins...bottom line.  She will always control these situations, and if she feels like she is losing control we will end up back in court.  DSD is 17, DSS is 15 and we have fantastic relationships with both of them against EVERY odd.  DSD is asking us for something, we know her heart isn't asking, but her mind has to "take care" of BM's feelings. 

I know how much DSD loves her dad.  For a month this summer, she was away at camp, and every opportunity she could...she called her Dad.  She doesn't do that during the school year when we go 2 weeks at a time without seeing her, ..because BM is there.  This summer, she was free to do what she wanted, and she wanted to call her Dad....and they talked and laughed for hours and hours at a time.    The other night, I suspect BM left the hospital room for a bit, and DSD was nonstop texting her Dad.  He didn't ask to visit, he knew the position she was in, so he joked and chatted with her via text.  We got some "updates" on her status that way, but she's very guarded because she can't feel too well...or she would be able to have visitors.

Yesterday was hard, our summer custody ended on Monday, so DSS15 was no longer with us either.  The emotions of not seeing DSD and not really knowing how she is doing, had snowballed.  Every time someone asked either DH or I how we are doing, we both burst into tears (tears start even just typing this).

I guess the moral of the story- it's really hard doing what's right for the kids, especially when we don't agree with it.  The kids have/do undergo intense alienation tactics by BM, but both kids adore their Dad.    He has always said, "I will fight for you, but not against you", and I guess this applies here with not visiting DSD.  Thanks for reading, it helps sometimes to just put this all out there and let it go- DSD is still in the hospital, I do believe DH will  finally see her later today- fingers crossed.

[Poison Ivy]

Oh, dear. I understand how painful this is for you and your spouse. You are good people, and I hope the children will feel free to strengthen the bonds once they reach age 18.

[Penny Lane]

It's so heartbreaking. The impossible choice of, do what SHOULD be the right thing (go to the hospital) vs the ACTUAL right thing (stay away so she can have some peace from her mom).



I hope you can both see her soon. You're doing your best in a no-win situation!

[Stepping lightly]

DH got to see her!  He went alone, I felt ok with knowing he at least got to see her but wanted to respect the previous communication of "not wanting a lot of visitors".  She should be past the worst of it, she achieved a major milestone in recovery yesterday, so there is an immense amount of relief for both of us.

DH said they were talking away, but he only stayed for 30 minutes because she had said the day before, "maybe you can come for 30 minutes" .  Respecting her needs and not pushing boundaries. 

As you can all imagine, the worries that build up in situations like this in regards to alienation are overwhelming.  Is DSD not wanting to see her dad because she's mad at him?  Did BM convince her of something completely horrible?  It's not unlikely, and you just never know until you see your child again. 

[verum71]

I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this - it is unbelievably hard to be a bystander when your child is going through some major medical issues.  And ... I would agree with what has been said earlier - it is a total no-win situation.  My BPDx engages in the exact same behavior - to a "t".  The "she (daughter) is really sick now and doesn't want any visitors" routine I have heard on many occasions.  I call it a no -win situation because even if you do decide to say "screw this I'm going to the hospital", that situation sucks as well, because the air in the room is so thick and uncomfortable - you can cut the tension with a knife.  My now 15 y/o daughter had major surgery on her kidneys a few years ago and i did go to the hospital to stay with her - it was one of the most stressful things i have done in a long time and my daughter was not really able to be herself while I was there.

I am sorry you are going through this - it sucks!  I really like that line of thought - "I will fight for you, but not against you" - I'll try to keep this in perspective

[Stepping lightly]

Hi All,

We thought we had gotten through the worst of it, but sadly that's not so.  DSD was re-admitted to the hospital.  We were out of town, and since BM was telling DH that "she's fine, they are just keeping her overnight for observation, we should be going home tomorrow" for 2 days, then we found out all that time she was actually in the PICU.  We came home immediately, went to the hospital first thing.  BM and a girlfriend of hers are sleeping in DSD's room.  PICU has a 2 person visitor limit, which for some reason (I know the reason, but that's another story), they agreed to allow 3 people.  So DH went in to see DSD, and he asked BM and her friend if one of them would mind stepping out for a minute so I could be in there with DH/DSD together, they said "no".  Now, I fully admit I am TERRIFIED of BM,  emotional abuse over the years has definitely impacted me.  So, going in to see DSD with the 2 nasty people sitting there was....making me hyperventilate.    We have now been "blocked" again moving forward by BM (via using DSD as a pawn). 

We are going to the hospital to see if we can meet with the doctor away from BM and just get a thorough update.  If it seems like DSD will be in the hospital much longer, we may meet with the social worker to assess options.  I am not hopeful they will have a resolution, but at least we can document that we tried and were shut down. 

It was really weird when I was in the room yesterday.  The doctor actually came in, and both BM and her friend were very dismissive of him.  BM basically hunched over and acted like she had no idea what was going on with DSD and played this weak, vulnerable person.  It was SO bizarre.  It was an act, this is the woman who will jump in the face of anyone and try to provide how righteous and brilliant she is, but now that her friend was there...different.  The friend...acted like she was the brilliant know it all (literally saying she could do DSD's procedure because she watches Grey's anatomy).  We think she's playing the role of the poor abused ex-wife and needs to "wither" in front of her friend so she can manipulate her into coming to her defense.  I am sure the same act is used on DSD.  It's bizarre, I've never seen it before and my brain actually couldn't process it.

[Penny Lane]

Oh my gosh, what a tough situation. Big hugs. I hope DSD improves soon.