NC with UNPD Mother...she's had an accident and is now in a coma

[Foxbrown]

I am here to write this all down as I don't think there is anyone in my life that I can speak to openly and honestly about what has happened today.

I have been NC with UNPD M since July last year, and NC with En F and UNPD GC Sib since October. I am pregnant (previously unknown the FOO ) and have been discarded by the majority of my family/friends. I was shunned for my birthday this year, and have been through what most of you can probably relate to as a living hell coming Out of the FOG and dealing with flying monkeys/hoover attempts etc etc. I have managed to keep myself pretty relaxed during pregnancy as I am classed as high risk, however over the last week I have started to get a little jittery regarding contact from UNPD Mother and EN father as news of my unborn child becomes public knowledge, as posted about on another thread.

So, back to today. This morning at 7am I had 4 missed calls from a number I didn't recognise. I knew straight away this would be a hoover attempt so ignored it. I then get a voicemail from an aunt ( relatively nice flying monkey, however completely buying into my UNPD's mothers poor me poor me act ) to say there's been an accident and to call back urgently. I did call back to find out that UNPD M and EN Father are overseas and that my Mother has had an accident and is now in an induced coma with a skull fracture and that it is pretty serious. I then speak to my only relative that is on my side ( EN Fathers sister ) who confirms all of this so it's not all been made up to guilt me into contact.

I don't know what to do or what to expect. I felt I had no option at this point than to tell flying monkey Aunt that I am pregnant and high risk and that I wasn't going to contact my EN Father as I just don't want to put myself through that. I know I don't need to justify my NC to anyone but I was desperate and grasping at straws to try to reduce the hoover attempts as much as possible. I feel my panic rising just thinking about contact with any of them.

I have already had one hoover come through in the form of a text from a family friend ( that also shunned me on my birthday this year for the first time ever ) and am dreading what is going to happen when news breaks that UNPD M is in hospital and I am not making contact. I don't feel I can talk to my friends as I can only imagine they will encourage me to make contact, which will trigger me even more. DH is being supportive but again he doesn't understand, I'm not acting the way a "normal" person would if they were told their mother was in a critical condition in hospital and it isn't known if she is going to pull through or not.
What if she dies? I don't feel the way I should do about her being in a critical condition. I feel terrible that my main worry is what are people going to do to me if I remain fixed in my NC. But also that there isn't anything that will want to make me break this.
I am on the home straight with this pregnancy now and do not want to cause myself stress over people that abused me my entire life and were never there for me when I needed them the most. I want to protect my baby and FOC.

I don't know what I am expecting! I just want someone to understand and not judge me.

[illogical]

Hi Foxbrown,

My humble advice to you is to take care of yourself.  Please put yourself and the health of your unborn baby FIRST.

You don't owe anyone an explanation of why you haven't contacted your mother.  If they want to judge you, that's on them.  You and you alone get to decide the level of contact you feel comfortable with.

It's okay to feel sad about what happened to your mother, but it's also okay to remain NC.  The only thing you can do anyway is lend emotional support to your enF and GC sibling.  You aren't medical personnel.  There is nothing you can do to alleviate your mother's physical condition. 

I know it's very easy for me to say "just ignore what others' think"-- but that's what I advise you to do.  You can respond politely to any calls that want to give you information on your mother's medical condition (if you want to), but that doesn't mean you have to break NC with your mother, father & sibling.

You did not cause this accident.  You cannot "fix" this accident.  Just because others "expect" that you will contact your FOO and try to pressure you into it, they haven't walked in your shoes. 

You sound pretty together to me.  Please take care of yourself and continue to focus on your new baby and the future! 

[looloo]

We understand completely!

Turn off the phone, block all calls and texts.  Don't open any flying monkey emails. 

Focus on your health and your FOC. 

We GET IT. 

Take care 

[Thru the Rain]

You mention your pregnancy is high risk.

Do you have some written instructions from your Dr that you could re-read? Maybe reinforcing the care you need to give yourself and your baby at this time?

And if you don't have written instructions, maybe a trip to the doctor to discuss the situation? (You know your doctor, so you can judge if this is a good suggestion or not.) Maybe a sympathetic ear from someone who's professional responsibility is to you and your baby - and who really understands what is important right now?

[Lillith65]

'I have to protect myself and my baby and I just cannot go through this.' is the statement that I would think about repeating to myself and saying to others who criticise you.

[WomanInterrupted]

I agree - protect yourself and your unborn child, first and foremost!   

You've got some choices - you can block FMM's or ask your DH to listen to your voicemails and read your texts FOR you.  Are they *information* you need to know, regarding your mother's condition?

Those you might be interested in - or not.  Personally, I know it sounds cold, but I wouldn't.  (UnBPD Didi was a MASSIVE faker, and I wouldn't put it past her to concoct a story like this, because she shamelessly used to cry caaaaaaaaaancer for no reason!) 

Think about if you want to hear that information or not - if not, you can ask your DH to delete them, or let you know if some major change happens - if you even want to know.

If it's just FMM garbage, ask your DH to just delete  the messages or texts, and block those numbers *for* you.   

We always want to protect the ones we love, and once your DH gets a gander at a few FMM messages, he's probably going to start understanding that this is FAR beyond you being "mad" at anybody.

Right now, there is *nothing* you or anybody other than medical personnel connected with your mother's case can actually *DO* - and I think keeping NC is the most logical thing  you can do, when it comes to your unNPD mom, en F, and unNPD GC Sib.   

*Ignore* all messages and texts demanding an *explanation* for your actions - or not telling your mother that you're pregnant.  You don't need that hassle in your life and you owe *nobody* any explanations about anything. 

A medically-induced coma isn't a *bad* thing.  They're just waiting for the swelling in her brain to go down, and the easiest way to do that is to induce a coma for several days. 

I don't know if you're familiar with the show Top Gear, but Richard Hammond had an accident in a drag-racing car that blew a tire when he was going 256 MPH - it flipped several times before landing upside down (no roof - just a roll bar) and skidding to a halt, burying his head in the dirt. 

Amazingly, he only had dirt in his nostrils and a chipped tooth - and his helmet now sits on a plinth in the manufacturer's office, because they don't know why the hell it didn't break!

Richard was in a medically induced coma for several days - and he eventually was *fine* - but it took months to get there - because his brain was still rewiring itself from the trauma.  He got help from a T, in managing his ever-changing emotions, and the *anger* that came with not being able to remember certain things, or handle certain situations. 

Years later, he joked the only things different about him are that he now likes celery and can remember cell phone numbers, when he was never able to before. 

I think your mom is probably going to be fine - eventually  - BUT she's probably going to refuse a good T, not be medically complaint, and pretty much be MORE of what she was before, because if she wasn't good at handling her emotions before, she'll have an even harder time after.   

I'm making a generalization, of course - but I don't think she's going to be a kinder, nicer mom - which is why I suggest keeping your NC.

Brain injuries don't make  us better people or even the people we were before without a *lot* of hard work - including T, which she'll probably refuse.

I think, if anything, in the coming months, a LOT more people are going to start distancing themselves from her - I suspect her temper will become explosive - or MORE explosive - and she won't CARE who she unleashes on.

And I suspect you'll start getting calls from people saying, "She was NEVER like that before!"

While you're thinking, "Yeah, she was - she just lost her filters, and I'm SO GLAD I didn't break NC!" 

Do I think your mom is in serious condition?  Yes.  Do I think she'll die from a fractured skull?

No - unless she's got other, underlying problems you haven't disclosed (not that you need to), she hasn't told you about, or there are other serious problems/injuries and you haven't been informed.

A medically-induced coma is NOT a death-sentence.  It gives the brain a chance to heal as the swelling goes down - that's all.   

If others in your family keep freaking out about it, please don't listen.  They'll probably all feel like idiots  when your mom is up, around, comes home - and is nastier than ever. 

Meanwhile - *stay out of the drama.*  Let your DH be your buffer.    

[Foxbrown]

Thank you thank you thank you all.

I woke up to your responses after a restless night and feel much more in control. I've surprised myself at how strong I have become in protecting myself, this time last year if my flying monkey aunt had called and told me to jump i would have asked how high. I'm proud of myself that I have stayed true to myself .

On the other hand I am kicking myself a little bit for believing the seriousness of the accident. Yesterday I was told *It's serious *They are keeping your mother in an induced coma for AT LEAST a week * She's had BRAIN SURGERY * YOU MUST PHONE YOUR FATHER RIGHT NOW * This just shows how FRAGILE we all are
Today I have been given the update that UNPD Mother has been brought around from the coma, is breathing by herself and responding to questions. So not exactly touch and go as I was made to believe yesterday. I should have known, this time last year En Father had a cancer diagnosis just as I was coming Out of the FOG that was THE END OF THE WORLD, however his treatment was postponed for 6 months so as not to interrupt all the holidays/trips they had planned....hmmm.

I have decided to temporarily delete my facebook account until this blows over. I don't want any sympathy from anyone that doesn't know of my family estrangement, I don't need any. I also don't want to be triggered by flying monkeys. I don't want to have to read all of the mush about what a wonderful, loving,caring woman UNPD mother is from her enabling crew as I don't trust myself to not respond to them all by shouting "She's not a good person! She has most probably given ME brain damage from her years of psychological torture and this is the universe repaying her!! " As that is what is going through my mind. What goes around, comes around. Karma. You reap what you sow.

Womaninterrupted, I can only hope that what you say is what will now happen. That UNPD mother will now start to show her true colours and people although may blame it on the accident, may start to distance themselves from her and leave me alone to get on with my life in peace.

Thru the rain, I don't have any written instructions as such. Nor do I think my Dr would understand my situation. I have found whenever anyone asks about my mum and whether she will be around to help with the baby and I say no, I don't speak with her and we will just be muddling through on our own, I get the "maybe it's time to build bridges" talk so I tend to just keep things to myself now. I am also managing a bit of depression myself, as I don't want it on any records just incase UNPD mother gets wind of it and can use it as another stick to beat me with! I also don't want DH/Friends knowing what I am actually dealing with in my head on a daily basis as to be quite honest I do probably sound as nuts as mother is making me out to be! What I feel I struggle to articulate and I just end up in a muddle. So for now, I am practising self care in the form of lots of alone time to relax and positive thinking about the baby. I wouldn't take medication whilst pregnant anyway and I stopped therapy at the end of last year as I was just so fed up of NC consuming my life! So I really do appreciate the support you get on here.

Thank you all once again.

[BadWolf]

I'm so sorry about your situation. I was in your shoes a couple of months ago when my undxbpdmom (nc for 5 years) accidentally ODed on prescription meds. She ended up in an induced coma for a week. Initially, the prognosis wasn't good. I took no action other than providing a sympathetic ear to my sister who was with our parents at the hospital. (I have a small foo so no flying monkeys for me.) I was mortified when I had to explain my situation to my long-time boss and closest colleagues, but they were very supportive and completely non-judgemental. All three revealed similar situations from their immediate or extended families; we are not as alone as we think we are.
My advice:
Take care of yourself and baby first and foremost. Eat, exercise, drink lots of water, and sleep as normally as you can. Be kind to yourself. This is a big deal and a lot of emotions might or might not bubble up and it's OK either way. There's no right or wrong way to feel in this awkward situation. I ran the gamut of emotions and finally landed at detached pity.
Also, my therapist told me not to not fool myself into breaking nc with a dream of a tearful deathbed reunion because those things never play out well in reality. I made peace with the decision not to attend her funeral if she died (spoiler alert: she didn't die) and resolved to tell the truth if anyone questioned me about it. (My therapist approved this plan.)
No matter what, remember that none of this is your fault and you haven't done anything wrong.

[Foxbrown]

Badwolf, thank you for your response. It helps to know there are others that have experienced similar. How did you feel regarding your Mother? I feel nothing, like I have seen a deer on the side of the road that has been hit by a car. It's sad, but it won't stop me going on with my day. If this were the only feeling I had to deal with I think I would be fine.

It's the flying monkeys that are getting to me! I am blocking as each and every message comes through as I made the decision early on in NC that I would give every one of my family/extended family the benefit of the doubt before blocking the whole lot of them. But as soon as I got wind they were under my UNPD Mothers spell they would be blocked and deleted. It's so hard reading these messages from people that claim to know me, who I have always been good to, jump to the conclusion I am this evil heartless stubborn daughter. I have deleted facebook so I have eliminated a lot of people there. But these flying monkeys are relentless! One ( an UNPD/BPD? Aunt ) has contacted my best friend on facebook demanding her to get me to contact her as my mother has been involved in a serious accident. My friend responded to her saying I was aware of what had happened and that I am being updated by another Aunt. Flying monkey Aunt then responded saying "oh well we hear she is pregnant and is not bothered, thanks anyway" So this is the picture they will be painting of me! Great!

The thing is, I would rather have the whole world against me thinking I am a bad egg than engage with that woman even one more time. I keep saying to myself over and over each time I get attacked by a flying monkey and my flight or fight response kicks in I am doing this for my children, and my children's children and their children and so forth. They can do what they want to me, but they will not be allowed to continue their abusive generational curses through me. Even if it means my life is one of ducking and diving! It's hard but they won't win.

The latest update I have had is that UNPD Mother is sitting up chatting. She will be in hospital for at least 3 weeks. How she will get home ( they are overseas, 13 hour flight away ) I don't know. Apparently she has called en Father a waste of space. Everyone will be blaming the brain trauma for this, but I know that's her true colours coming through. That is how she speaks to him behind closed doors. Obviously he will defend her to the death though! One can only hope her mask will have been knocked off by the fall and now she will be unable to conceal her spite and hatred of the world. Either that or she now has a meal ticket for life to play the victim with valid reason....we shall see!

I have booked some more therapy sessions to get me through this period. Trying to remain calm whilst being under constant attack is pretty hard even though I know I am doing the right thing. Thanks for being there and wish me luck, I can't see this going away any time soon. I just want to get excited about new baby and the healthy family lines I am creating.

[Foxbrown]

Sorry badwolf, I asked you a question you had already answered in your repsonse. I asked how you felt regarding your mother but I can see you ended up at detached pity. Which I guess is pretty much the same as me.

[qcdlvl]

I agree - protect yourself and your unborn child, first and foremost!   

I'm sorry you're going through this, Foxbrown. Unfortunately the medical hoover - exaggerating a real medical issue, or even making one up - seems to be a common tactic for PD parents. FWIW, I think you're handling it just right, remaining NC and giving folks the benefit of the doubt but blocking them immediately when they show themselves to be FMs. It's probably no comfort, but if a toxic individual isn't alone, there probably is a lot of dysfunction in the folks around - so many of these relatives are probably toxic in their own way (perhaps throwing you under the bus so they won't be targeted, or are projecting their own issues onto your relationship with your M), or they wouldn't be so steadfastly in your M's camp.

[BadWolf]

Foxbrown, I'm glad that my experience could help someone else. Like I said, I mostly feel detached pity: I hate that it happened but she did it to herself.
My therapist said to consider this event an emotional "dress rehearsal" for when my mother does pass away. So in the future, I'll know what to expect from my emotions AND how my foo will behave. Sadly, I feel better prepared now.
Also, my mother used medical hoovers all of her life. She normally loves trips to the ER and the attention she gets. BUT when it came to this very real medical emergency, she was suddenly reluctant to go to the ER at all. Go figure.

[Saywhat]

Fox brown, you are so incredibly strong! I am so sorry for everything your family has put you through and continues to try to put you through. You are doing the right thing: putting yourself and your baby first. All the best for the period to come.

[Foxbrown]

Thank you Saywhat. I don't always feel that strong, but I guess I must be to still be going even though there are days I just want to hide from the world under my duvet!
UPDATE: UnNPD mother & EN Father are now home, but she's not out of the woods yet. Prior to me thinking the accident had been exaggerated, it seems it wasn't and there is a long road ahead. Lots of rehabilitation and another operation. Who knows what I am going to be in for now they are back on home soil. I was coping ok knowing they were overseas, now I am back to looking over my shoulder.
There will be lots of family/friends showing their support physically now, people will actually be able to see the extent of her injury so I anticipate I am in for mobbing part 2 in the not too distant future.
I am on the home straight with my pregnancy and just want to keep myself away from all of this. I have hunkered down and deleted social media and blocked a lot of flying monkey suspects from my phone. Not sure there is anything else I can do other than go into complete hibernation?! Wish me luck...

[caramelia]

I've just seen this. I hope your pregnancy is continuing to go well and that your FOO is leaving you alone.