I wonder if my grandma's dead yet.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I was filling out a family health history for the doctor, and I was faced with the fact that I have no idea whether my grandma is dead or alive.

I checked "deceased." It might be true, and as far as I'm concerned it is. I don't feel sad really. Just a sense of unreality. Like I never had a grandmother and I'm inventing all this stuff about how she had high blood pressure, blah blah blah. Of course I'm not, but is there a name for this? Or anybody else experience it?

This grandmother had serious issues, but she was not a huge figure in my life ever. Always very ignoring.

[Poison Ivy]

My ex-husband is a ghoster, so I think there's a strong possibility that he won't tell me when his parents or other family members die.  I actually check the newspaper from the town where he lives now (with his very old and sick parents) every day to see if any of them have died.

[Call Me Cordelia]

DE, what a sad situation. I'm so sorry for your loss of relationship with a grandmother you love. It does sound like fallout for taking care of yourself, and your grandmother is being manipulated as well. She sounds very vulnerable.

I do wonder though, will anything really change if/when we find out any or all of these people have passed away? With my grandmother I feel mostly indifferent. I feel 99% sure she will die exactly as she lived, and I have no interest in any of the sad deathbed drama. The rest of them, I'm already grieving, more of what they ought to have been and what they were instead. That's the loss for me, whether they're actually dead or not. Forgive me if this sounds invalidating, but I do not relate to the need to check obits, check their social media, etc. If I found out they all died in a freak accident at a family reunion I'd probably feel primarily relief, that they could no longer be out to get me or bringing further chaos into the world. But am I actively hoping for that, no.

I don't really have people I lost due to fallout from NC that didn't fully make their own choice in that. No close relationships were affected by my NC, because every good relationship in my life was formed completely independently of my parents. (E.g. no childhood friends, other relatives) I guess my Nparents were pretty thorough at keeping me isolated. And my in-laws are personality disordered too, so I feel very detached from everyone most people consider their close relationships. Except my husband and kids. You know, family.

I just don't care about any of them today. What are they up to, is so and so pregnant like she hoped, just not interested. Just glad I no longer have to witness the train wreck. Being honest about all that makes me feel somewhat inhuman.

[11JB68]

A friend informed me that my dear grandmother had passed. I don't know where she's buried. When I started to go nc with uPDm She made it impossible for me to have a relationship with dear grandmother...the most unforgivable thing she did.

[Poison Ivy]

I will be relieved when my former parents-in-law die. I feel sad for my ex and his family that his mom has Alzheimer's disease.  She has been impaired for about 10 years now.  It's a terrible disease. Before she got sick, she was kind and well intentioned,  although not bright.  My ex's dad is a selfish, bitter, unloving person.  I feel sad for my ex and his family that they have a dad and grandpa whose death will likely be a relief to many people, not just to me.  What a waste.

[KeepingMyBlue]

A friend informed me that my dear grandmother had passed. I don't know where she's buried. When I started to go nc with uPDm She made it impossible for me to have a relationship with dear grandmother...the most unforgivable thing she did.

:hugs: I wasn't invited to my dear granny's funeral either. It's not right, but you're not alone.

[newlife33]

I feel this, and think it a lot too.  It will be such a relief. 

[GentleSoul]

Growing up my siblings and myself were cut off from both sets of grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. 

As best I can tell it was due to my PD/alcoholic parents fighting with them on and off.   I also understand that for a period of time, my dad was fleecing my grandmother (his mum) out of loads of her money so didn't want any witness to that. Us kids might have told someone and it would have got back to the other relatives who would not have been happy. Apparently it was discovered when grandmother died and there was virtually no money left.  She had been very well off.

Of course it would never occur to PD's to act like grown ups and be civil wiith relations so their kids have a chance at a relationship with them.