Inadvertent email CC

[doglady]

Recently during an unannounced visit my parents tried to tell me off like the teenager I once was for sending an email to my unPDSIL that stated she had been inappropriate in her comments to my youngest sister. Sis lives overseas and had emailed photos of her young children playing to all family members. SIL had then emailed and Cced whole family telling sis not to send photos to their ‘admin’ address, although this address had previously been used for years to share photos etc. SIL had pretty much made her decision based on sis’s previous opposing views regarding SIL’s loud support of a political figure who shall not be named. Our whole family has a history of being scared of upsetting SIL and she is also the partner of GC unNbro. I supported sis and emailed SIL saying that she could’ve just said how nice the photos were rather than being basically falsely officious about it. No other family member said a thing, other than to kowtow to ranting SIL. My GC brother went off about it of course because he is a belligerent bully. The SIL also threatened me with legal action, not that this threat came directly from her. But apparently she contacted (‘screamed down the phone at us’) my parents who then let me know about it by visiting and telling me to pull my head in. Followed by various accusations that I always cause trouble and should try to get along with everyone. I have a history of pointing out the dysfunction in my family and being scapegoated, so nothing new here. For example I have previously ‘caused  trouble’ by pointing out that they live in a very unsafe hoarding situation. Plus they are elderly and unwell and won’t accept help (but also go round smearing and saying no one will help them).
Anyway, it was the final straw for me and I told my parents to leave my house, which they wouldn’t so I then told them to Fuck Off and locked myself in the house until they left.
I followed up the next day with an email apologising for swearing but also comprehensively pointing out why I was so angry. I got the silent treatment and have heard precisely nothing for about six weeks, which has been pleasant and I can see how a life of NC could be so enjoyable and stress free. I want it to continue.

However, I was in contact with my sis and we had sent some jokey emails about it all, as humour is my default defence mechanism. And...... I inadvertently CCed one of those emails to my family. Yep.
And in that email it couldn’t have been more clear that I was pretty much ecstatic about no contact with them all (as basically my other two enSibs had also chosen  to support my parents, brother and SIL - not because they agree with them, they don’t, and they will complain endlessly to anyone who’ll listen about it, but because they are also too gutless to stand up to them, I’m shunned). In the email I  called my mother a controlling matriarch and there was a modicum of swearing  I also made a couple of pretty negative comments about a couple of my mother’s coven, which I’m not proud of (although they are old witches/bitches, so there’s that.) I have heard nothing yet. And I will be unlikely to respond anyway.

Anyway, thanks if you’ve read this far. I just wanted to share as I really wish I hadn’t CCed that email. I sent a follow up once I’d realised, saying none of them were meant to get it but I also stand by what I said in it. I feel as if I’ve now burned all bridges, scorched the earth and outer lying planets etc. Which is fine, I suppose, but I would rather have maintained a ‘dignified silence.’

The thing is, and this is the crux of it I guess, is that I feel that old feeling of shame, which I know is an emotional flashback, but which is exactly how they would want me to feel.  I was shamed so much during my childhood, called nasty and a problem child, selfish, that I ruined my mother’s life with the ‘terrible things’ I said etc (still going with that) while enF just didn’t bother communicating with me at all other than to tell me off. And now, in that email I seem to be somehow providing ‘evidence’ that I am a Shameful Person.

Bugger Siri etc or whoever autofills email addresses after you’ve had a glass or two of wine I say. 

[11JB68]

I once sent an email at work, complaining about a vendor, to one of his co-workers, though mistakenly sent it to him instead. Yikes. 😱 Immediately told my boss and apologized. Also apologized profusely to the rep from the vendor...who basically said, that's ok we all feel that way about him 😂

[doglady]

Hi 11JB68, good story and yeah I'm sure virtually everyone's done something similar. And good to know your comments were vindicated. 

I just wished I hadn't broken NC by accident though. Oh well, I'm a flawed human being. Unlike the remainder  of my FOO apparently

[Call Me Cordelia]

If you were already getting the silent treatment, maybe you just bought yourself more of it.  Good on you not apologizing for what you said.

[doglady]

Yes Cordelia, I'm absolutely certain I've bought more of it. I was planning on staying NC anyway.
I did say a couple of hurtful things though and although they're true from my perspective, I probably could've phrased them a little more civilly. I'm ashamed I've done that because unfortunately that would also be all they would need to continue seeing me as an awful person. But I can't change that. It's ever been thus and really, the only way I could've ever changed their view of me (and believe me when I say 'view' singular because there's only allowed to be one) is if I'd complied at all costs, bitten my tongue and lived the same kind of life my parents live. And that was just never going to happen. I'm a very different person to my mother in particular. And she sees my differences as major faults. It's hard at my age to be in a mind loop of feeling unloved. I feel like a tool and I need to grow the hell up.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I could have written all of that. You were always the bad guy anyway, assimilate or be scapegoated. And probably be scapegoated anyway, because dysfunctional families gotta have at least one. The part about your differences being major faults rings true to me, too. You were venting to your sister, not posting to a public forum. So maybe you could have been more charitable but the point of your email was releasing your feelings to someone who understands. That's not wrong/cruel.

Now your FOO knows how you really feel and why. They can choose to take that information on board and self-reflect or use it to continue to blame you. Sounds like you know the likely outcome but really you inadvertently gave them another opportunity.

About needing to grow the hell up... well you went NC so you could have the necessary space to do just that!  And going NC is itself a mature decision. You've got it.

[doglady]

'Assimilate or be scapegoated.'
That's exactly it. Wise words Cordelia. Much appreciated.