Self-compassion vs. self protection

[Saywhat]

Hi everyone,

I am in recovery from CPTSD, which is a long journey but in which I've reaped some serious rewards. My symptoms have significantly decreased since last year and, even though there's still a long way to go, I am confident in my recovery.

Over the past days, I've made a breakthrough discovery through meditation and Pete Walker's book titled CPTSD: From surviving to thriving.

In his book, Pete mentions the concept of 're-fathering' yourself (not to be confused with re-mothering yourself). He explains that while good (enough) mothers are capable of instilling an innate sense of self compassion in children, good(enough) fathers contribute to the welbeing of their children by insitilling a sense of protection from the outside world in them. My father was a silent bystander of my mother's abuse of me, and instead instilled me with a sense of deep fear of the world and other people.

I think we often overlook / underestimate the role of our fathers in the development of childhood trauma. This is especially true for those of us who had abusive mothers but passive fathers. In the book, however, Pete explains that in order to heal from trauma we must balance re-mothering with re-fathering ourselves so that we can build both self compassion and self protection.

In the past, I used to blame the entirety of my childhood trauma on my mother, who was overtly aggressive and obviously abusive. My father, on the other hand, stood by it all and never intervened on my behalf (even if I did intervene on his a couple of times).   

What I'm realizing these days is that this paralyzing sense of powerlessness that I have when I'm in a flashback has a lot to do with my father's inability to protect me, and less with my mother's abuse. In this regard, I have incorporated Pete's practice of re-fathering (which can be found in his book) into my meditation practice. It's worked really well until now. 

[Andeza]

Thank you for posting this. It's something I've never really known to think about, but so very true. Growing up I had tremendous anxiety about the outside world, so bad that trying to pay for a candy bar at the grocery store would send me into a meltdown even as a teenager. I never really realized that the all-consuming fear I carried with me was because I never knew a sense of security to begin with.

My dad also did nothing to protect me from my M's abuse. Although honestly he drowned himself in work so much he was barely home at all, and when he was the last thing he wanted to do was butt heads with my uBPDm. So he sat like a knot on a log. Knots on logs aren't really good for much, especially not protection.

[Lilyloo]

I agree that we overlook the role of our fathers.  Mine died at age 44. I was 12.  When he was alive he stood back and let my NBPD mother have control.  I have just started reading Pete Walker's websites. I will read about re-fathering. Blessings, and Thank you for posting this