13 year old

[Stepmom]

Hello everyone I am in search I guess for some emotional support due to some issues I've been having with my 13 year old stepdaughter who lives with us. My husband doesn't think there is a problem. I don't know if he truly doesn't see it or if he just knows it's happening and just doesn't have a backbone to do anything about it and what can you do about it if it is narcissism that we're dealing with especially malignant narcissism because if it's your child, how are you supposed to discipline or get angry or frustrated with them if it's a mental disorder they have. I just don't know how to deal with it because I'm the one that gets the brunt of it 90% of the time. She enjoys seeing us argue in fact if she hears even a slight raise of voice she immediately come to
The room and usually a comment or two to add fuel to the fire. My husband doesn't correct her or tell her not to get involved or ask her to leave the room. It's like he has an ally in her when we are arguing. And he knows I won't yell if the kids are around. She already had tendencies of lying and manipulation when i met her Dad when she was two. It is his youngest of two children and her mother hasn't been stable so I think that plays into hubbys enabling. Her behaviour has not gotten better. But I am battling this fight all alone.
I feel like I'm rambling on and no one will
Want to read this cause it's too long   

[Spring Butterfly]

Welcome and your post is not long at all. The community is here to support you!

I see you've already found your way to the parents discussion forum. That forum is specifically designed for people dealing with this type of relationship.

Your number one tool here is the Toolbox

It sounds like you are dealing with is Triangulation if you want to read more google the Karpman Drama Triangle and also here http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/triangulation-divide-conquer

My situation was somewhat different however I often got pulled into this triangle. When I researched it further there are ways to stay out of the triangle and refuse to take a position. It may help to do a bit of digging into that concept and ways to "come to center" and not be pushed into a corner of the triangle.

You're right to keep disagreements private between you and your husband. There's nothing wrong with choosing the discuss something at another time. If the time isn't ideal (his daughter is present) you're wise to keep your voice steady. If it seems right, setting a boundary like "maybe we can discuss this later" might be good. You don't need to make it obvious what your reason might be. Maybe you're just busy making dinner or some other task. You can express a boundary that's really simple and if you feel it would benefit you it can also sound like "I'm not really able to focus right now, let's talk about this later" or something like that.

The point is if she inserts herself you do not need to continue. Pull out of the triangle and come to center as soon as you see the triangle forming.

I hope you find the community here as supportive in your journey as it has been in mind. Welcome and wishing you peace.