phone call boundaries

[bee well]

I have a question. If someone behaves badly, unsuccessfully tries to rugsweek, then is told by a family member that they do not want to talk to them, calls less than a week later,, is this an attempt to break a boundary?

I'm my opinion, it is. BUT there could always be other interpretations.

What do y'all think?

[bee well]

I meant to write "rugsweep..."

[Cat of the Canals]

Short answer, because I've read the backstory in the IL forum: I'd definitely consider this an attempt to break a boundary.

Long answer: When I'm unsure about a PD behavior and how much it crosses the line, I try to reverse the roles. Put yourself in your MIL's shoes. If someone told you, "I don't like how you treat people, and I don't want to talk to you right now" how would you react?

If it were me, I'd be thinking a LOT about my behavior. I'd be considering how I might change it to cause less hurt to others and wondering what I might do to make amends. And even if I had spent the week thinking about all of this and was itching to apologize, I would pause to consider what the other person said, re: not wanting to talk to me. They didn't say how long, but I'd imagine it might be more than a week. My gut instinct would be to give them more time.

But even if I were absolutely determined to say my piece NOW, I'd try to come up with some way of broaching the subject in the least intrusive way possible -- perhaps writing a letter or email, in which I would begin with apologizing for both my prior behavior and the fact that I'm intruding now, and then I'd communicate the fact that I'm hoping at some point we might be able to talk directly. No strings attached, no ultimatums, no guilt trips.

Does that sound like what you might expect from your MIL? I'd guess not.

I know you didn't ask for advice on how to handle it, and continuing to decline her calls is a perfectly reasonable response... but if you really want a direct answer about whether she's intentionally crossing this boundary, you or someone else could tell her explicitly that you do not want any further contact from her, and that when you are ready (which may be never, though you don't have to say that), you will contact her. My guess is she'd quickly ignore that as well, and then you'd have your answer.

[SonofThunder]

I have a question. If someone behaves badly, unsuccessfully tries to rugsweek, then is told by a family member that they do not want to talk to them, calls less than a week later,, is this an attempt to break a boundary?

I'm my opinion, it is. BUT there could always be other interpretations.

What do y'all think?

Hello Bee Well,

I may not well understand the post, but i believe I may.  I simply wanted to drop in on this post to point out that a boundary is a pre-determined, self-protecting action or reaction that will be designed and deployed by the self protecting person when needed.  A boundary is not an attempt to control the action or reaction of another person.

So, in this situation, if the person who "calls less than a week later" is the same person the self-protector does not desire to speak with, then the self-protector's boundary action or reaction should be deployed to protect themselves when that call is received, since the caller does not adult-respect the simple request.  The self-protector cannot control the action or reaction of the caller, but CAN 100% control their own action or reaction.

In the threads example, a call is received after the decision to not speak has been conveyed to the other party. The self-protector's pre-determined boundary actions (actions kept private because boundary actions are not punishment) are:

Self Protector...

1. Turns off the ring sound call-notifications for this contact and text notifications for that incoming number and do not answer the phone or..

2. Blocks the phone number.

Neither of the #1 or #2 actions need conveying to the disrespectful caller, and the caller has no power to stop the self-protector from deploying his/her boundary actions/reactions of #1 or #2 to self-protect.

Hopefully going forward, the boundary setter in this case can deploy the self protection needed.

SoT

[Lookin 2 B Free]

You make some good points SoT.  We don't have control over other people.

We do sometimes convey certain limits we would like people to respect (after which we can take action if they do not).  For me these work best when they're pretty well-defined.  Like "I don't want to talk for X amount of time" or "Please don't call unless you've heard from me first - I want some space right now" or "Do not ever contact me again."  Then the request is clear and it's easy to know if the person is not respecting it.  That's what I've found, at least.

[bee well]

Thanks for all of the responses.

Cat of the Canals there were several unanswered calls in a short time frame on  my and DH's text, within a short time when I was wrtiting this, no text about emergency. DH will talk with her today. I don't have the energy and I'm under no obligation., and don't have the energy. I think she is freaking that there is soneone who is not doing what she wishes...ugh...

Thanks again,

I hope you are doing well as be as you read this.

[moglow]

Well defined (whether a set time limit or what have you) is all well and good but let's be honest here, many have and will trample over less. That's not what *they* want and they don't have to agree with our boundaries. For all she knows you meant "not right now," true. But do you need space to think through some things or are you done with it? If you don't know neither does she. The rug sweeping is real, mine has done and tried it many times. You don't care to be exposed to it, so you take whatever steps needed to stop it.

We make and we enforce our boundaries. It doesn't have to be some big confrontation or discussion. If i don't want to talk to you - I won't. I'll silence notifications, turn phone off, block the caller, whatever is needed. AND you don't have to explain yourself! When/if they complain about it later, "I told you I didn't want to talk to you and I meant it." Thing is to not respond to any of their crap until you decide you are ready, and they not easy to go sometimes. They don't enforce your boundaries, you do.

[bee well]

Thanks , especially for this Moglow:

"We make and we enforce our boundaries. It doesn't have to be some big confrontation or discussion. If i don't want to talk to you - I won't. I'll silence notifications, turn phone off, block the caller, whatever is needed. AND you don't have to explain yourself! When/if they complain about it later,  "I told you I didn't want to talk to you and I meant it."Thing is to not respond to any of their crap until you decide you are ready, and they not easy to go sometimes. They don't enforce your boundaries, you do."

and especially this:  "I told you I didn't want to talk to you and I meant it."

[moglow]

It's not easy and likely won't be for a while, bee well. It goes against everything we've been taught and at first feels disrespectful regardless of how we've been treated by them. But we have to do what's best for us. This isn't about retaliation or payback - it's taking care of yourself. At some point dh may choose to step back as well, for his own well being. He'll need your support and compassion, sounds like he never had that from her.

[bee well]

Moglow wrote:


"It's not easy and likely won't be for a while, bee well. It goes against everything we've been taught and at first feels disrespectful regardless of how we've been treated by them. But we have to do what's best for us. This isn't about retaliation or payback - it's taking care of yourself. At some point dh may choose to step back as well, for his own well being. He'll need your support and compassion, sounds like he never had that from her."

Very true, this. Thanks again Moglow. Hugs-

[Srcyu]

It's a deliberate act to break a boundary, yes.