Losing Sanity with Overcontrolling In-Laws

[BefuddledClarity]

I guess this is a two-for-one post
Could really talk to someone right now...

Lately, I've been dealing with over-controlling in-laws and an alcoholic partner who puts me beneath his family...

My FIL is a beligerent alcoholic who gets violent during the holidays.

His wife is a judgemental woman who makes snide comments.

My MIL is a manipulative person who abused our kindness.

My SIL is shady...

Here's a link with more info:What to do if your in-laws are continually abusive to your spouse/partner

Then there's my partner...who abuses alcohol and calls me derogatory words, doesn't help with the child-rearing, is hypocritical, has lied to me, and more...

See links: Tired of Constant Criticism, Is it Worth it?, Making Progress by Budeting & Health.


I don't want my son growing up woth this craziness. Please give me your honest opinion, I thought about taking my son with me and leaving.

I don't trust my in-laws to watch my son based on based events and my partner is proving to be a crappy parent and only parents when convenient.

I feel like I'm hurting right now to be honest.

My partner just got up and left the house whenever he gets mad and stays out almost all night leaving me to watch the baby with no help...

His family is manipulative and demanding. They planned my son's b-day party without even consulting me. I was left out of the entire process and they invited their friends for a "Bro's hangout". My partner listened to his dad and probably spent about 200-300USD on thr party instead of paying rent but I always at fault.

His family is also extremely sexist too and make smart remarks about women cooking in the kitchen and drinking "female" drinks while the "men" BBQ and drink beer like...stupid.

Why are we "females" and they're "men"? It sounds animalistic/objectifying to me. Everyone excuses it as "their culture" but so what? In the culture I came from, there is a lot of sexism too(glad I no longer stay there), but I won't use my "culture" as an excuse to be an asshole when convenient.

Anyways...just wanted to see if other experienced this and what they did...

[bloomie]

HI there. I am so glad you reached out and so sorry things are seriously hard on every side right now.

Would it be less overwhelming to start with sorting through the issues in the relationship most intimate and close and with the highest potential for harm to you and your precious little one?

Starting with the real and concerning issues with your partner is a lot all on its own. Only you can know if taking your son and leaving is what is right and best for you and talking that through with someone in real life might be so helpful. Is there a trusted friend, wise mentor, faith leader that you can meet with and get some insights and help from and begin to build a support system around yourself as you find the best way forward?

In the meantime, I highly recommend Alanon groups for the types of issues you are dealing with. Here is a link for finding an online meeting: https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/
and in phone and in person meeting: https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/

The family system your partner came from sounds like it is filled with toxic behaviors and attitudes which your partner may have bought into. It is hard to know if your partner has the strength to see how damaging his behaviors are or those of his family. This is something that you have zero control over, sadly enough.

The 3 C's mantra says: "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't change it." The only thing we can change is always and only ourselves and the circumstances we raise our vulnerable children in.

The toolbox above is so helpful. The traits info above also has a do/don't section for each trait you identify in your partner and his family members. There are great links and helpful info all over the board here, but ultimately, it sure sounds as if you are dealing with what is at the very least systemic emotionally immature, misogynistic, entitled behaviors that are exacerbated greatly by alcohol abuse.

Your instincts to get some good help and protect yourself and your child are spot on from where I sit and from the snap shot I have of things you have shared.

As you gain insights, tools, strategies for dealing with behaviors you are going to find that those tools apply to all of the people who are bringing such trouble and disrespect into your life. You can build a toolbelt and set boundaries and standards for what does/does not work for you in relationhips with others. I know, because I was once in a pretty surrounded place too, and through recovery and support, learning and growing, reaching out for help, I have been able to build a strength and resiliency I never would've thought possible for myself and my family.

Keep coming back. Keep sharing and pushing forward! Let us know how you and your little one are doing when you are able.

[Thru the Rain]

I'm so sad you're experiencing this!

It's amazing how once you have children of your own to love and protect, it can throw dysfunctional behaviors into a very bright light.

I just wanted to add my voice of support to you. You feel alone - but we're all here as a sounding board. And Bloomie's suggestions to find a friend/mentor/faith leader to draw support from is excellent advice, as is looking for al Al-Anon meeting.

[BefuddledClarity]

Bloomie,

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I've cooled down a bit and your post has also helped calm me down. After my partner was acting drunk and belligerent, he apologized the next day saying he won't drink because he felt terrible for how he treated me. Then he mentioned he will only drink when son and I are in bed so we are not affected by his drinking but I told him no to that.

I made a promise to give up something I like to drink(a caffeinated beverage I'm seen drinking ever morning) and will quit with him to make it easier.

He hasn't drank...YET. Whenever he gets with his friends/his father, he starts drinking again. I am trying to be sympathetic, as I used to be a heavy drinker myself...Didn't drink as frequently as partner(he drinks daily, on party days, he drinks heavy), only drank on my days off work but I would drink TOO much and sometimes come to work hungover after my weekend was over...

If and when I drink alcohol, I only drink one or two beer once in a bluemoon and get bored so I stop. I just...Don't like not being in control of myself and I hate the thought of hurting others...

He also said he wants to make it up to me soon, and talks about future plans too but... I can't predict what it'll be like in the future, I'm tired. I need to talk to him again about couple's therapy and possibly Alcohol Anon while I go to AI Anon. I stupidly haven't gone yet to AI Anon, a couple of people on here recommended it to me...I am trying to find a time where he is not around---the times I saw will be around the times he is home OR I am at work and I prefer it private. I will need to check the times again.

HI there. I am so glad you reached out and so sorry things are seriously hard on every side right now.

Would it be less overwhelming to start with sorting through the issues in the relationship most intimate and close and with the highest potential for harm to you and your precious little one?

Starting with the real and concerning issues with your partner is a lot all on its own. Only you can know if taking your son and leaving is what is right and best for you and talking that through with someone in real life might be so helpful. Is there a trusted friend, wise mentor, faith leader that you can meet with and get some insights and help from and begin to build a support system around yourself as you find the best way forward?

That sounds like a good idea, I am currently trying to repair the relationship with partner, though I am thinking some separation maybe be needed for both of us myself (I can only speak for me) to focus on what's important and grow from the experience..then hopefully, if it works out, get back together.

Unfortunately...I don't have anyone to talk to about this, my 'friends' aren't really friends. These 'friends' said I would be a bitch if I separated my son from his toxic family, aka, my in-laws when I was venting about these issues.

I can't talk to family/in-laws about partner's drinking issues since...they're an issue to me too. I am isolated in this particular area, so I resort to online support groups. I will, however, go back to therapy so hopefully that helps!

In the meantime, I highly recommend Alanon groups for the types of issues you are dealing with. Here is a link for finding an online meeting: https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/
and in phone and in person meeting: https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/

The family system your partner came from sounds like it is filled with toxic behaviors and attitudes which your partner may have bought into. It is hard to know if your partner has the strength to see how damaging his behaviors are or those of his family. This is something that you have zero control over, sadly enough.

The 3 C's mantra says: "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't change it." The only thing we can change is always and only ourselves and the circumstances we raise our vulnerable children in.

The toolbox above is so helpful. The traits info above also has a do/don't section for each trait you identify in your partner and his family members. There are great links and helpful info all over the board here, but ultimately, it sure sounds as if you are dealing with what is at the very least systemic emotionally immature, misogynistic, entitled behaviors that are exacerbated greatly by alcohol abuse.

Your instincts to get some good help and protect yourself and your child are spot on from where I sit and from the snap shot I have of things you have shared.

As you gain insights, tools, strategies for dealing with behaviors you are going to find that those tools apply to all of the people who are bringing such trouble and disrespect into your life. You can build a toolbelt and set boundaries and standards for what does/does not work for you in relationhips with others. I know, because I was once in a pretty surrounded place too, and through recovery and support, learning and growing, reaching out for help, I have been able to build a strength and resiliency I never would've thought possible for myself and my family.

Keep coming back. Keep sharing and pushing forward! Let us know how you and your little one are doing when you are able.

Yes, I definitely need to find time for AI Anon!

The confusing thing is my partner IS aware somewhat of how his family is, but he won't do anything about it because "they're blood related". That's his excuse. It's like he's on a neverending quest to get approval from his parents and it just won't happen. His sister even pointed out he's seeking approval but it won't do him any good, knowing how his parents are. He's NEVER doing enough in their eyes. There's always something small they try to nit-pick and their hypocrites.

Ah, I forgot about the toolbox! I'll have to keep the 3 Cs in mind.

I'm so sad you're experiencing this!

It's amazing how once you have children of your own to love and protect, it can throw dysfunctional behaviors into a very bright light.

I just wanted to add my voice of support to you. You feel alone - but we're all here as a sounding board. And Bloomie's suggestions to find a friend/mentor/faith leader to draw support from is excellent advice, as is looking for al Al-Anon meeting.

Hello Thru the Rain! Thank you for your support. Yes...I didn't see any of these things coming. To be honest, when partner and I met, he didn't talk to ANY of his family, so I thought he was like me. Then some stuff happened, our casual relationship got more...serious when I became pregnant(unplanned) and so now we're around his family more and I see them for who they REALLY are, just as he described really...I just don't get why he doesn't get space from them. He calls me "weird" whenever I tell him I am not close to my family and that it just won't work with them.

My family is more reserved and his is EXTREMELY open to where they use your things WITHOUT asking. When his biomom was here, she used MY NAILCLIPPERS(ew). Just...use your own things...Then my partner lets HIS dad use MY car even tho his wife(partner's step mom) already has one. Theirs is one of those historic type cars, but they're rich and can afford to get themselves a car. I'm struggling paying on my own without as much help from partner because he uses his money on his addictions and GIVES some of his money to his dad(who makes double the money we make...). He feels sorry for his parents when they're grown and capable. They're MUCH younger than my elderly father (late 70s close to 80s) and he holds up on his own!!

Ugh, it's frustrating to think about this.

Unfortunately, I don't have anyone in real life to talk to BUT I do try to participate online about these forums for help...and I plan on going back to therapy soon! (Once finances are in order).

My boss offered to be a lending ear but I REALLY DO NOT trust them and haven't told them why I called out.

This boss is the same one that makes condenscending remarks to me(ex. "What are you, a child? Why are you asking permission?" ---said something similar to that when I was NEW to the department and continues to make snide remarks as so).

Anyways...I DON'T want to end this post on a negative note!

I am planning on saving my money up and getting my own place for now far away from others and have been job searching to get away from the toxic workplace.

I found this non-profit place that helps people get jobs, but I just need to get certified! Their sister company helps people get certified by taking classes. The classes only last 1 month and BOOM certified! It's exciting but I do not have the financial means yet. Just waiting for things to fall in place!

I also want to go back to school, I was doing (a specific field in) engineering...but dropped out and mover around a lot and ended up in this particular city so...Hopefully I'll be able to continue my studies or at least do 2yrs first then continue further. I want to eventually get a master's, not sure if in that engineering field or something else. I enjoy learning and have many interests(apart from tech, I like creative work).

[Leonor]

Hi Befuddled,

Welcome!

I just wanted to lend my support and encouragement to attend an Al Anon meeting. You can google Al Anon to find meetings and resources in your area.

As a child of alcoholics who struggled with "disordered drinking" myself, I empathize with you and your son's pain and confusion around your husband's addiction.

As a woman and mother in recovery, I also would gently but clearly point out that your husband's mistreatment of you, denial and then remorse and promise to do better (while back-pedaling at the same time) does not sound like real acknowledgement and commitment, but absolutely sounds part of the abuse-addiction cycle.

Al Anon does not have as its goal for you to separate from your h, or make major changes in your life, or set boundaries with your ils. However, Al Anon does offer people a welcoming, understanding and non-judgemental place to share how addiction has affected you, as well as how you navigate the addiction. To dismiss the pain your h´s addiction has caused you (I want to end on a positive note), to shame yourself (I used to drink too much, too) and to grasp onto the carrot of vague promises for the future is one way to navigate the cycle: that's codependence.

It's tempting (and exciting!) to wonder and imagine a better, more exciting future for yourself ... something special to work towards, something that brings you a sense of hope and inspiration. That's another way to navigate the cycle: that's avoidance.

To navigate the cycle in a more healthy, healing way, in other words, to get there, though, you first gotta get through here. And a good start here is through Al Anon.

[BefuddledClarity]

Hi Leonor,

I appreciate the thoughtful response.


At this point, I think I am just done with the relationship.

My partner put his hands on my throat while I was carrying our son and he was "sober"(didn't drink but he smoked. Usually he's more mellow, but he was being an obvious jerk).

He said I was an annoying piece of shit and to shut up, just because I asked him FOR ONCE to take care of our son so I can actually sleep. He never helps me and throws a hissy fit when I ask. So I end up not sleeping well and feeling tired at work.

I told him that's not nice and why are you saying those things to me, also asked if there was something wrong. He told me because I got him irritated.

Didn't even apologize or nothing. He went to bed in the living room and threw more insults by calling me a piece of shit and how I am stupid.

I got angry and told him he's being a terrible parent and why would he put his hands on me while I am carrying my son? I said he was being dumb.

No response, just fell RIGHT back to sleep.

I don't want to call out of work either if he's not willing to help. I work from home but on the phones most the day, so I can't watch that, and that's besides the point, since I am at WORK.

I just don't see any point of even trying to mend this relationship or why I spent so much time trying to make HIM happy under HIS terms.

He screwed up our finances and is trying to say "we" spend too much. No "you" do on alcohol and weed. We're short on our bills for him spending it just recently on weed because he "needs it". He complains about me drinking coffee, or eating snacks trying to control me. He tries to compare his alcohol to the coffee I drink(which I limit to 1 or 2 cups). No, it's NOT the same. I am NOT addicted like you! I quit drinking coffee temporarily to help him with giving up alcohol, we were doing this together.

Anywayd...
I paid my damn bills and have to catch up with his, which messes with everything.

I'll go to AI Anon when I have some time...Currently trying to save money and move out of here because I am TIRED of this and stressed out.

I have excused his behaviour for SO long thinking there is something wrong with me. Growing up in with FOO, I was always the "bad guy" or "scapegoat" type of bitch that's always negative for trying to stand up for myself.  I was always the aggressive, angry one who's supposed to take everyone's crap or I am "bad" because it's "family". It's frustrating, it really is.

I don't want ANYTHING to do with my overcontrolling in-laws either.

They're not any better. Seeing how they are, it should've clued me in more with how HE is. He didn't break the cycle, he's still in the cycle...

[BefuddledClarity]

((Sorry for double-post))

I went to go check on partner in living room after I put the baby to sleep. Went to go if he cooled down after giving him space.

My partner ended up cuddling/snuggling with me when I sat next to him...but didn't apologize for the way he acted...

It usually takes him till the next day to apologize and says something about how he won't do it again, but he manages to so it again, however, in a slightly different way to where it's not the same...

Anyways, I'm still rather miffed with how he acted and talked to me then blew it off like nothing happened and that everything is okay(for now).

He's asleep at the moment---I work VERY early mornings, so I'm here at work(from home) feeling kinda...off.

I already called out before a couple of times due to his behaviour and I almost NEVER do unless I am sick or family emergencies. Just did recently...

You guys are right, I really need to try harder to go to AI Anon...

Thanks.

[bloomie]

Befuddeled - this is very serious behavior toward you and in the presence of your small child. The act of putting his hands around your neck is of grave concern. I want to link you to something called The Mosaic Threat Assessment System which will help you to unemotionally evaluate the level of threat your partner's behaviors may be to you and your child.

https://www.mosaicmethod.com

References in case you need them:
emergency links: https://outofthefog.website/emergency
Put Children First: https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/put-children-first
Leaving Checklist: https://outofthefog.website/separating-divorcing/2015/12/5/leaving-checklist

I hope you are safe and will find local resources that will advise you and allow you to make some plans for your's and your child's future. Talking through your current situation with a trained professional - domestic violence counselor - may be of great support and help for you as you can chat immediately with someone: https://www.thehotline.org

Please also be very careful with digital security as you visit here and elsewhere. Let us know how you are doing as you are able!

[BefuddledClarity]

Doing okay, just saving money to leave.

He doesn't want to quit drinking, so I don't want to stay.

I don't want to be around his abusive family either.

They all have anger issues and are bossy and rude.

It's getting irritating.

I will protect my little one away from them.

I don't care if I'm a "bitch" from keeping my son away from belligerent drunk people. My STBXFIL is an alcoholic who still gets violent, my STBXMIL is negligent, rude(she said she didn't like how my son is starting to look like his grandpa, her ex husband, the wifebeater) and was terrible at watching my son. STBXSIL is an instigator and tells STBXpartner and I what to do. Telling me to leave partner, then telling partner to bring little one to their house so MIL can see little one. then I can hear them outside on a phone call talking about me. I ignored it and walked away.

I'm really frustrated and feel like I have no help. Partner helps when he wants to help. He's trying to be loving right now and sweet but I just...my feelings are not...

I'm still irritated with my "friends" who said it's a bitch move to remove my son from his family. They didn't even know the entire situation and so I'm just alone.

Anyways lol sorry I'm good now. I'm working hard to save money and spending more time with son and just spending less time with partner if I can.