Difficulty With In-laws

[Big Bear]

I would like to share a little about how things have been with my in-laws.  I strongly believe that my father-in-law has Paranoid Personality Disorder.  I first came to this realization shortly after he retired.  He often will guide conversations into controversial topics and then react strongly to anyone who disagrees with him.  He holds certain convictions very strongly and feels threatened and attacked when he discovers that someone else holds a different view.  He has a strong ability to hold grudges and remember slights and insults from years ago.  He has a felt need to repeat stories about the people that he holds grudges against, even when he has been out of touch with them for years.  His most obvious symptom is anger.  I believe that the root cause of this is fear.  Not surprisingly, he is pushing away the very friends and family that once were closest to him.  As he get older, his personality disorder seems to be gaining a stronger hold in his life. 

As you might imagine, this has really distanced me from my in-law extended family.  I have benefitted greatly from this forum, especially grey rock / medium chill.  I have practiced these when I am around him.  I no longer initiate contact with him by phone.  I only see him about once a year because we live on the other side of the country.  So far I am able to handle these occasional visits.  My wife and I have tried to gently encourage him to re-evaluate how he relates to others.  However, he appears to lack the emotional intelligence for this type of reflection.  I am concerned for him because I expect that he will likely become increasingly isolated as he ages.  My wife and I are continuing to let him know that he is welcome to come see us for annual visits.  When he comes I am very careful to avoid any controversial topics and keep things as calm as possible.  I think that it is important for my children to know their grandparents.  I hope that he could stay calm enough for these visits to continue into the future. 

sincerely,
"Big Bear"

[bloomie]

Hi there Big Bear. I am glad you shared a bit of what you are dealing with in this relationship with your fil.

Your compassion and continued willingness to spend some limited time with your fil is commendable. That's not easy to do when someone is high conflict and easily triggered. Very painful to see their support network fall away as they wear out those around them and don't seem to notice or if they do, seem unable or unwilling to manage their behaviors differently.

I too, have found gray rock and MC to be such helpful tools to have in my tool belt. When combined with limited exposure to such upsetting behaviors in a loved one it has helped me maintain some carefully crafted connection which, in my case, has benefitted my family overall.