Differing boundaries with MIL

[blues_cruise]

I've created some distance with my MIL over the years as there have been numerous occasions where I've found her controlling and judgemental behaviour to be stifling and disrespectful. Generally I'm far more comfortable with only seeing her now and again rather than trying to have any substantial relationship with her. I have to look out for my own mental health and her attempts at control can be triggering and stressful. She has little to no self awareness and there is no scope for any change on her part, so this boundary is necessary in my opinion. I think it's come as a bit of a shock because I was very young when I joined the family and a full-blown people pleaser, but over the years I've started to recognise this dysfunction and have been gaining more self worth.

My husband acknowledges that she can be hard work but he both loves and likes her. I'm fine with this as long as there's no obligation placed on my shoulders, however I find it difficult when he mentions her as I find it triggers in me an internal eye roll. My experience of her has obviously been different to his and I find it hard not to be resentful. She's not openly or even intentionally abusive, just very emotionally immature and self absorbed. You can't address any issues with her because she just gets upset and feels victimised. After I addressed something with her recently she apologised and acted waify, then the next time I saw her in person she put on a cold front and acted haughty.

Does anyone relate? What has your approach to someone like this been like? How do you maintain your sanity when you witness how enmeshed others are with someone like that? 

[Pepin]

This is totally were I am at as well.  DH doesn't see what I see and I wasn't around for what he saw when he was younger.  DH is also more or less the GC though I sense that at an earlier age he was the SG until he figured out that for his survival he had to somehow contribute his knowledge to "help" his parents lack of maturity and understanding about many things.  And of course that must have brought him a high but beneath is embarrassment.  He's been doing this for so long now that I know he would feel guilty if he pulled away in the slightest.

This scenario has been terribly painful.  I feel as though I am alone in my thoughts about DPDmil.  Her behavior towards me has been a constant build up of micro aggressions and jabs.  She knew as a newcomer to "their" family and what she knew of my childhood that I could be easily controlled and manipulated.  I was a damaged goods SG who was working hard on healing and dealing with being married and soon to be a new mom.  That's when she got me.  Love bombing and manipulation.  It was incredibly cunning.  I had no idea what was happening and when I would bring things up with DH he would gaslight me and protect his mother.  He certainly didn't want to be in her line of attack and refused to defend me.  Therefore, I had to take control again and defend myself.  This brought anger, silence and more micro aggressions - from both DPDmil and DH.  DH felt I was being disrespectful; I felt that she was attacking my boundaries with her helplessness.  The games she would come up with were cruel and demoralizing.  She plays the waif card to her advantage as she continues to age -- and even though I have known her since her 50s, she has always played the "I am old and helpless " card.  Please.

Bottom line: I don't like her.  We are two different people.  She doesn't like me because I cannot give her what she wants.  I do not like her because she wants me to be something I am not.  And DH is stuck in the middle.  The holidays are coming up and I will be standing my ground as usual.  She gets nothing from me.  Zero.  If we are together, DH and our kids get my attention while she sits there.  This is what she used to do to me when I was younger.  I keep it polite and there is no depth to anything I say or do.  If she doesn't like what I prepare and serve for meals, too bad.  She didn't have to come sit at our table.  I honestly can't stand hosting her but DH feels bad for her even though over the years she's had other invites and says no because she needs to be near her precious baby boy. 

Just let her be.  Focus on those that deserve your attention only.  Be as bland and boring as possible with her and warm and friendly with everyone else.  Turn anything back on her that she complains or becomes waif about.  Mothers like this are nothing more than toddlers so they deserve to be treated like one in return.  For example, DPDmil likes to complain about her health and DH tries to research and fix her ailments.  When she starts up with me I cut her off and tell her to make an appt with her MD and then she gets annoyed and gives me the ST.  Eh. 

[blues_cruise]

Ugh, that all sounds really infuriating Pepin. I totally agree with you on the toddler thing, it really is just a child in an elderly person's body at times.

I know what you mean about being alone in your thoughts about your MIL. I've had a few instances where she's come across as demeaning and passive aggressive towards (or about) me, which she just wouldn't do with DH. I avoid communicating with her directly or being alone with her as a result. I don't see it as being much different to limiting my interaction with anyone that I have little in common with or find abrasive.

I think that's all you can do, isn't it? Just focus on your own boundaries and leave them to it. I think it's emotional boundaries I need to focus on, learning to switch off and go to my 'happy place' when she phones or is mentioned.

[Cat of the Canals]

My husband and I are *mostly* on the same page with PDmil. Mostly...

Then there are moments where he will suddenly decide he wants to send her a lavish gift (after years of both of us expressing annoyance with the pointless gift-giving our families engage in) or refusing to tell her NO about visiting (despite the fact that he doesn't want her to, maybe even more than I don't want her to) or when she's here for the visit, not setting the time boundaries we agreed on (I wanted morning and afternoons to ourselves, but he kept saying "OK" when she asked to come over earlier).

Thankfully these are fairly small things. Things I am willing to say, "She's your mother, and you're the one who's going to take the brunt of her crap, so if you're really up for dealing with it..." and leave it at that. He's the one that suffers the most when he doesn't hold to his boundaries, and sometimes facing the consequences of their own choices is the only way people learn.

That's not to say it isn't frustrating. I wish he was more assertive. He thinks I'm too "on the offensive." He was never as far in the FOG as I was, so I think he's always been more comfortable playing it by ear, picking and choosing when to draw a hard line with his mom. I came from a place of asking "how high?" whenever my own PDmom asked me to jump. It was a struggle to step out the people-pleaser role I'd been placed in. I don't think he understands how much I still have a pull to always say "yes" to these people. The only way I can fight that is to be on the offensive.

Practically speaking, I find that journaling really helps me with those "internal eye roll" moments. Even though my husband is rarely singing her praises, there are just times where I really need to do some in-depth venting about her. 

[blues_cruise]

He was never as far in the FOG as I was, so I think he's always been more comfortable playing it by ear, picking and choosing when to draw a hard line with his mom.

Yeah, there's a lot to that. When MIL does try to push too far DH will say something and stick up for himself. He did speak up for me recently too when she was being disparaging about me behind my back, which I really appreciated. She usually listens to him too and will respect his needs if he stands firm. The 'little things' he lets slide, which only really becomes a problem when I'm expected to automatically be on the same page with it, plus when there are assumptions made on how I will spend my time.

I relate to the struggle of letting go of the people-pleaser role. I was mega subservient when I came on the scene and it's been assumed that being meek and eager to please was/is my personality, rather than the trauma response that it actually is. Saying "no" and feeling like I'm letting people down is still a huge thing, so to have someone react so negatively to me expressing my needs is really invalidating and hard work. It's like having to jump to the top tier of boundary work without even completing the foundation levels.

Journaling is so helpful, I agree. I need to do far more of it!