MC vs Doormat

[square]

I've been having strain with ILs this year. I've not posted about it but my feelings just aren't going away.

There was a family visit to the ILs some months ago and there was conflict. While the conflict was not as bad as in years past, I found it really triggering. And I honestly believe the only reason it wasn't as bad is just because I changed - MC/GR/noJADE, whereas years ago I had the guts to be upset.

I'm not even sure if I wasn't just too passive. MCetc is great but I don't know if I was actually just a doormat.

At one point I needed (and I stand by that, needed) to defend a young person in my charge against appalling behavior from an adult. It was one of those situations where the adrenaline was going and my brain was sludge. Instead of addressing the verbal attacker, I addressed the victim and said supportive things. I was too chicken to address the attacker.

The attacker later apologized to me but, we later discovered, told several bizarre lies including that they apologized to the victim (they not only did not apologize, they never spoke a word to the victim again after the verbal attack).

I could be reading things into it but over the last month or so I've had several oddly hostile communications with MIL. Like, phone calls where she is just snapping at me left and right and I'm just playing MC but feeling like a very bad little girl. I did not address it, just took it and stayed MC and pretended she was behaving fine. Again, I'm unsure if I have something wrong, MC is not doormat. But ANYTHING I say will light the powderkeg. I think it's what she wants!!

So the other relative apparently thought their behavior warranted an apology (to me, at least, not the victim). In the past, my being upset turned into the central feature of conflicts, how childish and ungrateful and selfish I am. (And never, ever forgotten). This time, my behavior was unimpeachable. So that's an improvement, right? So why do I feel so uneasy about it? Where's the line between MC and doormat?

[11JB68]

I've had a similar struggle.  I feel like I use Mc to protect myself, not to let updh win.  By using mc I am putting myself in control and not allowing the situation to escalate.
When I think of it like that it feels more empowering

[SonofThunder]

I've had a similar struggle.  I feel like I use Mc to protect myself, not to let updh win.  By using mc I am putting myself in control and not allowing the situation to escalate.
When I think of it like that it feels more empowering

Hi Square!

I agree fully with how 11JB68 thinks about MC.   You wrote:

"At one point I needed (and I stand by that, needed) to defend a young person in my charge against appalling behavior from an adult. It was one of those situations where the adrenaline was going and my brain was sludge. Instead of addressing the verbal attacker, I addressed the victim and said supportive things. I was too chicken to address the attacker. "

I see many good things here and want to provide additional encouragement. 

A:  Boundaries:  "I needed to defend a young person in my charge":  you proactively, in the heated moment enacted a very quick boundary action/reaction by recognizing 1. A person needed defending  2. You were in charge of this person. 3. This person was a minor and therefore does not have the same adult rights.  4. You protected.

B: No-JADE:  "Instead of addressing the verbal attacker, I addressed the victim.."  1. No Justifying the attackers behavior 2. No Arguing with the attacker 3. No Defending the minors choices with the attacker, but rather supported the minor directly to the minor. 4. No Explaining your boundary actions/reactions to the attacker. 

C: MC:  You were calmer than the attacker and in a proactive mindset, accomplished A and B.  You wrote " I was too chicken to address the attacker.......The attacker later apologized to me". Obviously the attacker experienced addressing as you supported the minor, as it caused an apology reaction to the protector, therefore in your A,B,C, the attacker was addressed. 

I want to also encourage you with a question. Could you go one step further in boundary protecting with this minor by possibly teaching the toolbox without actually naming the tools or associating them with PD or where you learned them?  Instead of PD, I use DP (difficult people haha)?  This minor will have PLENTY of DP's in his/her life such as relatives, parents, teachers, coaches, employers, coworkers, whoever, and these tools are excellent tools for minors to learn early, regarding DP's.  Because you have so well supported this minor in this incident, you may have earned the respect and further friendship that could lead to a huge positive education for this minor and possibly other minors in your charge. 

Turning these types of ridiculous interactions with PD's and DP's into good, helps me utilize my negative experiences to possibly encourage others.  Great job in the toolbox!

Oh, by the way:  Doormat... nope.  Doormat's only job is to get mud wiped all over them, and the carpet owes them some gratitude.  Only the minor in this story got wiped on, but next time, he/she may 'square' up and deploy their own tools or avoid the confrontation altogether which is also a great tool!

SoT

[square]

I've had a similar struggle.  I feel like I use Mc to protect myself, not to let updh win.  By using mc I am putting myself in control and not allowing the situation to escalate.
When I think of it like that it feels more empowering

I read your reply several times, thanks. I like the idea that I was in control of myself, at least. And it really highlighted how out of control the relative was.

MIL considered the relative's behavior to be justified, but I don't think anyone else did (including, to some extent, the relative themselves). Whereas in the past, my being upset was considered the crux of the drama, literally noone, including MIL, could say so this time.

In the past, I questioned my own behavior and it got all tangled up in the drama. Was I justified in saying X or Y? Was I justified in objecting to A or B? Did I say it in exactly the right way? Was the fact that I was near tears evidence I was in fact behaving like a child?

This time, nope. Totally in control of myself, except I felt kind of fumbly when I reassured the young person that they were doing just fine.

I do like being in control of myself.

Thanks for your perspective.

[square]

I've had a similar struggle.  I feel like I use Mc to protect myself, not to let updh win.  By using mc I am putting myself in control and not allowing the situation to escalate.
When I think of it like that it feels more empowering

Hi Square!

I agree fully with how 11JB68 thinks about MC.   You wrote:

"At one point I needed (and I stand by that, needed) to defend a young person in my charge against appalling behavior from an adult. It was one of those situations where the adrenaline was going and my brain was sludge. Instead of addressing the verbal attacker, I addressed the victim and said supportive things. I was too chicken to address the attacker. "

I see many good things here and want to provide additional encouragement. 

A:  Boundaries:  "I needed to defend a young person in my charge":  you proactively, in the heated moment enacted a very quick boundary action/reaction by recognizing 1. A person needed defending  2. You were in charge of this person. 3. This person was a minor and therefore does not have the same adult rights.  4. You protected.

B: No-JADE:  "Instead of addressing the verbal attacker, I addressed the victim.."  1. No Justifying the attackers behavior 2. No Arguing with the attacker 3. No Defending the minors choices with the attacker, but rather supported the minor directly to the minor. 4. No Explaining your boundary actions/reactions to the attacker. 

C: MC:  You were calmer than the attacker and in a proactive mindset, accomplished A and B.  You wrote " I was too chicken to address the attacker.......The attacker later apologized to me". Obviously the attacker experienced addressing as you supported the minor, as it caused an apology reaction to the protector, therefore in your A,B,C, the attacker was addressed. 

Yes, thanks, the objective was better accomplished in my non confrontational way - though I still feel uneasy about the fact that I was primarily driven by Fear rather than any real spine.

On the other hand, I was quite scared to say anything at all but forced myself to say the supportive things. If I had chickened totally, I would have sat there and said nothing and let the young person just take it alone. Which would have been appalling and I couldn't have lived with myself.

I want to also encourage you with a question. Could you go one step further in boundary protecting with this minor by possibly teaching the toolbox without actually naming the tools or associating them with PD or where you learned them?  Instead of PD, I use DP (difficult people haha)?  This minor will have PLENTY of DP's in his/her life such as relatives, parents, teachers, coaches, employers, coworkers, whoever, and these tools are excellent tools for minors to learn early, regarding DP's.  Because you have so well supported this minor in this incident, you may have earned the respect and further friendship that could lead to a huge positive education for this minor and possibly other minors in your charge. 

I'm on it  The person is surrounded by PDs and we talk about stuff a lot (not diagnoses).

Turning these types of ridiculous interactions with PD's and DP's into good, helps me utilize my negative experiences to possibly encourage others.  Great job in the toolbox!

Oh, by the way:  Doormat... nope.  Doormat's only job is to get mud wiped all over them, and the carpet owes them some gratitude.  Only the minor in this story got wiped on, but next time, he/she may 'square' up and deploy their own tools or avoid the confrontation altogether which is also a great tool!

SoT

I DID push back on MIL on the phone, she was really putting me through the wringer on something and then demanded I make a decision by "tomorrow" on something I needed time for. So I just said, "so you need me to decide this by tomorrow?" She got huffy (because the timeline was clearly ridiculous, but could she fault me for simply clarifying? NO. 

[SonofThunder]

🙌🏻 My hat tips to you!

I am not a confrontational person by nature and with my MBTI, i also understand my tendency to analyze myself silly after drama events.  I am trying to reframe my description of 'fear' to simply my 'nature' to de-escalate a situation in non-confrontational ways, like you did. 

I believe that we non-confronters have 'spine' but it manifests itself in different ways than more confrontational personality types, and in some ways requires more self control.  I also believe that my nature to do so in smart, non-confronting ways is just fine, and it aligns well with my beliefs, as well as gets the same job done.

Therefore my possible negative analysis afterward, is me potentially comparing myself to totally different personality types, which is unfair to myself. 

Cheers to you!

SoT

[notrightinthehead]

I agree with the others, that was not doormat behaviour. Well done for being kind and supportive to the minor.  Of course you will be upset, but you did not act on it and thus did not give the other person the opportunity to escalate. You role modeled adult behaviour.
There is always also the opportunity to remove yourself, should the difficult person take it too far. You can leave the room or hang up. I have done it a couple of times and once when I realized a rage attack was coming, I got up, said to my daughter, I am leaving, you can come with me if you want, and left. She chose to come with me and we had a lovely chat in the car while we waited for an hour and saved ourselves from the explosion. 

[bee well]

Hi Square,

I am sorry you are having problems with the inlaws!

I agree with what Son of Thunder wrote:
"MC:  You were calmer than the attacker and in a proactive mindset, accomplished A and B.  You wrote " I was too chicken to address the attacker.......The attacker later apologized to me". Obviously the attacker experienced addressing as you supported the minor, as it caused an apology reaction to the protector, therefore in your A,B,C, the attacker was addressed. "

Great job, square!

I also agree with what notrightinthehead wrote:

that was not doormat behaviour. Well done for being kind and supportive to the minor.  Of course you will be upset, but you did not act on it and thus did not give the other person the opportunity to escalate. You role modeled adult behaviour.
There is always also the opportunity to remove yourself, should the difficult person take it too far. You can leave the room or hang up.

In my opinion MC is anything but a doormat. I see it as being assertive, in a regulated way.  In your case supporting the minor. We can defend ourselves and others without strong displays of anger and emotion, and that way avoid the "escalation" that nrith talks about.

For me, and possibly others reading here, a lot of problems started way before I know about grayrock, MC, family systems or anything like that. I let things pass that were not acceptable because I was afraid to protest. Some people might have come to thew conclusion that I was a doormat...Now, NC with FOO and having re-evaluated many other relationships, I am working on myself and using the toolsand trying to forge new ways of relating, in all my relationships, not just family. ( Although currently on "a break" from MIL, hopefuly a long one!)

I think it's  easier using those tools when entering into new relationships, and we don't have to "undo" long standing precedents of relating. But alas, what is done is done and we can only do our best, today. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say.