Daughter of a DPD mother

[redverse]

It has been hard to actually admit this to myself, but my mother has dependent personality disorder. 

Nobody wants to say their parent has a personality disorder; in fact, I am very skeptical of "disorders" and DSM stuff; but I have suspected that something is really wrong with her, all my life, and unfortunately the description of DPD fits her to a tee.  I suppose you could classify me as one of those kids who spends their entire lives trying to satisfy the bottomless pit of neediness that is the person with DPD. 

Something about DPD that people don't talk about, is how utterly unaware of their dependency people with DPD tend to be.  They construct a sort of fantasy about themselves where they are capable, independent and formidable.  And any time you try to talk seriously about their inability to cope with life, their neediness, and so forth (even if you talk in the kindest and most constructive way)... out comes the dismissive bravado.  Honest conversation with someone with DPD is simply not possible.  Then it's just on to the next emergency that they need desperate help with.

I suppose I'm lucky because I gradually realized that there was NOTHING I could do to fill her emotional pit, even years after I'd committed myself to helping her stay in her childhood home at any and all cost.  Even after I'd bought cars for her after my father left her.  Even after she very ill advisedly took early retirement, leaving her almost destitute.  Even after I'd tolerated her sobbing and begging me not to ever move out into my own apartment. Even as I watched my career prospects fade away because, no matter what good job was available in the next town, that would have meant moving away and who knows how long it would have taken her to wind up on my doorstep, crying.  Then we'd be living together in a small apartment (instead of a house) and where would I be then?

Setting up what few boundaries I have, has been a difficult journey of decades.  Her dependency has scared off everyone else in her life - her husband, her other daughter, her sister.  They watch my struggles from a distance, offering lip service of sympathy but no assistance that might take them back into the orbit of my mother.  It took many years for me to get my emotions under tight control so that my utter lack of respect for her wouldn't erupt into violence or hurtful words.  Unfortunately, this tight emotional control has left me an emotional cripple in my own fashion.  I have no friends and mainly I just go to work and go home, retreating inside myself.  I can't afford to have any possible relationship ruined by the bottomless pit of her DPD.  Nobody who hasn't lived with someone with DPD can possibly understand how that nice little old lady will just take over your life if you let her.  The concept of boundaries is completely alien to her.  I could never bring my friends home.

An incident happened yesterday which just made me realize that DPD is a progressive disorder.  Left alone, it only gets worse, and the consequences can be really bad.  My mother is beginning to lose what little good judgment she has remaining; her DPD-caused anxiety is actually making her stupid when it comes to paying bills, looking after her health, and dealing with repair men, etc.  That's the vicious DPD circle:  utter lack of confidence = anxiety = anxiety makes her stupid = her response to cover up her stupid actions is to pretend that "something" caused her to do that.  As psychologists would say she operates fully under an "external locus of control."  Nothing is ever her responsibility. 

I recently watched a home video of her made 20 years ago and was stunned to see what a difference there was between her then and now.   She was always a bit of a crybaby, but 20 years ago she seemed reasonably mature and capable.   If only she had Alzheimers, at least there would be something that could be dealt with.  But how do you manage the affairs of a person who has all their mental faculties, but no inner core of personality remaining, just "I can't" and "I don't know how" and "I'm scared" and "I hurt"?  (but who won't take charge of herself to get real help?)

Anyhow, I have the opposite problem, her neediness has forced me way too far into myself that I'm not even sure I'm ME any more.

[Mare Kaio]

redverse,

Welcome to Out of the FOG. Kudos to you for reaching out and sharing your story. It's not easy to admit to yourself that your mother has these issues; it takes courage.

Yes, it does sound like there is something really wrong with your mother, I'm afraid, and while I'm not an expert, DPD sounds like a plausible diagnosis, from what you've shared. I'm sorry you've had to live with this, and that it has had, and still has, such a big impact on your life.

It's a major step that you realize that you cannot fill her emotional pit, whatever you do. You've given everything to help her, and it is never enough. That is very sad.

It's good that you've started setting boundaries. You may want to try to get help from a therapist. It's indeed very difficult to know what you want and who you are after having lived for someone else's needs, and a therapist can help you find yourself again, just by asking the right questions. It sounds to me like you have a good understanding of your situation, and that you do know what you want, and that's very important. It is possible to get to a better place, even if the journey will not be easy.

I'm glad you found this forum. Please keep on posting and reading here. There are many people on the Unchosen board that are dealing with parents that are engulfing or overly dependent; some have parents with DPD. Knowledge is empowering, and it helps to know you're not alone. You deserve a better life, and you will get there, step by step.

Again, welcome. I hope to see you on one of the boards.

Unda

[itsnotjustme]

I am not sure if you are on this forum any more, but if you are I would love to exchange about this.  This is so much like my story - I am living with my mother right now and this is all so similar.  I can really relate to your comment about her never asking anyone for help because she doesn't want to be like her mother (who was the most demanding person I've ever known).  She also dislikes other women - has admitted that and has absolutely no social life.  Meanwhile we, the daughters, are held captive.  I have so many questions about this but you are right, there are not many other posts here on this subject. Take care!

[Reluctant Dragon]

I haven't heard much about DPD, thank you for writing about it. 

My mother is more borderline, but my sister is living with her and caring for her and I think the end result sounds pretty much the same. It's like you're trying to help someone who is drowning and they're just pulling you under with them.

That and the fatigue you get from dealing with a PD person. I think at the end of the day NPD, BPD, and from your description DPD leaves the non PD person exhausted! Just reading about your mom makes me feel tired, I can only imagine living it. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[Frozen34]

Wow, I can relate to so much you said here. My heart goes out to you. If you'd like to read my story, it's here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=82675.msg714816#msg714816

My dad is uDPD and has similar traits/behavior to your mom. I've only experienced this side of him since my mom died in 2015... prior to that he was stable and very kind, loving, etc. It took me over 4 years and finding a loving, supportive partner to help me see how toxic my dad and his family are and cut contact from them. I just cut contact about a month ago now... I'm doing better and working with a therapist.