The one pd tactic I can't brush off

[Associate of Daniel]

I seem to have got to a point where I can dismiss and move on from all of the pd behaviours except for one.

The projection, gaslighting, rewriting history, word salad, manipulation, lying etc... they're annoying but they're water off a duck's back.

But the condescending tone.  The condescending words.  Really get to me.  And I don't really know why.

I wonder if it's because they come from someone (my uNPD exH) who should have had my back.  Who should have encouraged and built me up.  And I know he's my ex and doesn't really have that role in my life any more. 

I don't really know why it upsets me so much.  Has anyone any ideas?

And how do you deal with it?

AOD

[Hepatica]

This would be the one that gets under my skin as well. I cannot stand a condescending tone. It's extra touchy for me and I've never considered why, except that perhaps it comes from being a youngest child where I was always considered lessor, smaller, less educated, cute and not in a good way. How many times I used big words as a child and they all laughed in delight at me and patted me on the head.  It still annoys me.

In your case, you are your exH's co-equal. Bottom line. He has no right to be condescending. But PD's always think they are superior beings and I don't think they can handle it if they don't feel at the top of their internal, made-up hierarchy. Whatever. I imagine that there is something inside of you that wishes to demand that respect from him. And you deserve that.

[LemonLime]

I'm not sure if it's the same, but I seem to equate condescending with contempt.

Contempt is the worst of the Five Horsemen of the Apocolypse, (I think that's what it's called) by John Gottman.
It's by far the worst relationship-killer there is.

My sib is a master at it.  It also is the worse of the tactics for me.

[NarcKiddo]

I am fortunate in not having had to deal with that very much in my life, but it royally irks me when it does happen. I think part of the problem is that it not only puts you down in their mind, but it also elevates them. So you get a real see-saw effect. If they were just rude or supercilious that would be one thing. Condescension is a double-whammy. I have no ideas to offer on how to deal with it. I think if I had to deal with it on a regular basis my first tool out of the box would be "observe, don't absorb".

[Preamble]

I feel "slimed" when it happens

Yesterday it happened again and I thought well when a baby you love pees on you, you don't panic or rage, you just wipe it off and carry on.  Perhaps one day I could consider thinking about the possibility of maybe loving my relative that much, while keeping an ever-increasing, sensible, distance.

[Boat Babe]

I so get you. Condescension: literally looking down, descending.  It is meant to belittle, to diminish, to tread into the dirt.  As a social animal, with a hefty dose of primate hierarchy and status anxiety, this is going to hurt. It's meant to.
How to respond? I think firstly it's to have a strong and positive enough sense of self that someone else's opinion really doesn't matter. That's a big ask if we grew up with dysfunctional parenting but it is something we can achieve. So that's the goal.  In the moment, I really think the absolute best reaction is to laugh at the condescension. Laughter is a wonderful tool when dealing with narcs etc although some may get enraged by it so we need to apply wisely.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I agree with user, there may be something particularly wounding about it for you, but on the other hand I think it's absolutely normal to be irritated when someone is condescending! It's very easy to identify the other stuff like projection, word salad, etc. as clearly disordered and about them. Condescension is more directly an insult, literally putting you down. It's also hard to address. If you do, they know it's working. I like Boat Babe's idea of laughter. I'll have to think about how to apply that one myself!

I find it triggering too, even when applied by someone I do not like and don't care whether they like me. user's description of his grandmother's face led me to remember that my father had a way of calling me "Child" that I especially detested. He said the word as if he were addressing gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe.

[Associate of Daniel]

Revisiting this one... thank-you all for your replies.

Boat Babe - I think the sense of self is important.  I think though, in my case, the reason for my reaction to condescension is that I now have such a strong sense of self.

Personally, I think the condescension is difficult for me because of my FOO.  I'm the youngest child and all of my FOO members are massively smart and high achievers.  I'm not.  I'm the cute, too sensitive, dumb child. Nuff said.

However, I reopen this thread because I've discovered that another pd trait is proving difficult to deal with.

Manipulation.

Thankfully I'm now able to recognise it pretty much straight away but I'm afraid it's a red rag to a bull for me.

My ds is now 16 and a half so it's more difficult for uNPD exH and his uNPD wife to manipulate me (and by default, ds).  The occasions of manipulation are becoming fewer and further between. (Thank-you God!)

However, when I see it happen to others I am so infuriated, especially if the blame for the ultimatum is laid at another person's feet.

I'm not really asking for advice, just stating a realisation. I think I know how to deal with it. (Breeeeathe,   calm the rage and then call out the manipulation for what it is.) I'm interested though in other's experiences with this.

AOD

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes I can relate a bit. Now that I know how to get angry, I get REALLY angry at that sort of thing. My husband calls it my "eighteen wheels of justice" response. They just get careening on down the highway and it's hard to put on the brakes.

[1footouttadefog]

If a stranger came up to me on a city sidewalk and sad hateful or condescending things it would not hurt.  They don't know me.  I have not given them licence to effect my emotions.  Their opinion does not matter because I don't respect them or hold them in a place of authority.  We have not bonded emotionally. 

I am guessing that these things hurt because your ex still has some meaning to you.  You still hold him in some regard.  Simply put you care. 

And it's likely for this very reason he attacks you. 

[SonofThunder]

If a stranger came up to me on a city sidewalk and sad hateful or condescending things it would not hurt.  They don't know me.  I have not given them licence to effect my emotions.  Their opinion does not matter because I don't respect them or hold them in a place of authority.  We have not bonded emotionally. 

I am guessing that these things hurt because your ex still has some meaning to you.  You still hold him in some regard.  Simply put you care. 

And it's likely for this very reason he attacks you. 

+1

I believe that further developing the thick skin and steel backbone of indifference, is needed to emotionally allow condescending attitudes and words from others to roll off and away. 

I believe condescension is a form of bullying and I know that bullying is a facade to cover self-weakness.  Therefore i will not emotionally host another's weakness as it is a lose-lose for both parties. I wish you the best in your quest to shed the absorption of condescension, but rather, just observe, understand and release to the gutter.

SoT