Deciding to Permanently Go No Contact

[Kittenkatboots]

Hello everyone. Hope you are well. It's been a while for me. Maybe a few weeks.

I recently unblocked my family. I thought I was mentally in a place where I knew my boundaries and could defend them unapologetically. I blocked them all initially in June 2023 to sort out myself and really figure out what it was that I needed.

I try to walk with a reconciliatory disposition, however, I'm realizing that my family may not ever change.

My mother said the same old horrible things she used to say last night. She previously left a voicemail crying about wanting to do anything to make things work (she didn't say make things work because she stopped herself short in the voicemail). Then after those horrible things no one should ever tell their daughter, she sent an email to the family about joining her for a cruise.

Business as usual.


I think I'm just becoming more aware of my humanity. I know now I really don't have any business retraumatizing myself.  It would be hard for anyone to thrive in an environment where they are constantly put down, mistreated and abused.

I am fully convinced now that it wasn't that I "needed" to be stronger to withstand the blows from my family.
I needed the courage to walk away.

And I think I'm really to lean into that now. I have to own what is best for me and do so without apology.

[xredshoesx]

gentle hugs to you today kittenkat-

i too had to try ONE LAST TIME to make sure it really wasn't just me being an immature teen.  went back and had to beg to be forgiven at 20 (that should of been the last straw there) but made a valiant effort to be a good daughter/ granddaughter for about 2 years and decided enough was enough........  this was 30 years ago.  it hasn't been easy but i always say my worst day on my own has still been better than any day i was in contact with my mother and her family.

[bloomie]

Kittenkatboots - just wanted to add a note of support to you!

I am fully convinced now that it wasn't that I "needed" to be stronger to withstand the blows from my family.
I needed the courage to walk away.

And I think I'm really to lean into that now. I have to own what is best for me and do so without apology.

There are years and years of struggle and hard work to reach the place you have and remove yourself from harm. One day at a time on this new journey!

[escapingman]

I am VLC with my FOO, I miss the fantasy of having a healthy FOO, but I don't miss the passive aggressive behaviour from my mother and sister. I am only recognised if I play their game and accept everything they do/say. I haven't figured out potential diagnoses for them and I frankly don't care, but they are immensely immature and make me feel sick around them.

I am not sure if I have any advice for you Kitten as I don't know myself how to handle it at times. But the less contact the better, can you keep it at VLC? I don't want to go NC with them, but I don't initiate contact anymore and respond with grey rock which has taken away almost all contact. 

[Srcyu]

Kittenkatboots

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you.
No contact is the last resort and most times, there is no going back.
Unblocking them was the final last chance that you were able to give them and sadly, they provided the evidence all over again of why you left them behind in the first place.

Despite being your foo, they are not your tribe and not your people.

[Kittenkatboots]

But the less contact the better, can you keep it at VLC? I don't want to go NC with them, but I don't initiate contact anymore and respond with grey rock which has taken away almost all contact. 

I have tried grey rocking. I have tried VLC. It's too much of a strain to be frank.

I have a large immediate family and they're all in on the game. If I set boundaries, flying monkeys appear to wear me down. This isn't a scenario where there are people genuinely trying their best to change. They're not changing at all.

There is no benefit for me to allow them access to me anymore. Every communication is riddled with demands and expectations on their end of how I should be, how I should act, and overt disrespect.

I really wish it didn't have to come down to this. I relate with you in that I wish I had a good family. I wish I had a mother I could talk to about womanly things. I wish I had a big sister that wasn't jealous and weird with me. I wish they could accept me. But doing so would be a reminder of all of the things they've decided not to do.

If I went to VLC at this point, it would be to maintain their appearances and preserve their reputations, not for my benefit.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hugs, Kittenkatboots. You are in good company here. I have definitely been at that point, too, of admitting that even the most tenuous contact was just too much of a strain. It's a painful and lonely place, most of the time. But truly, letting go of the false hope there that just will never be fulfilled, does make room for healing and for joy.

[Hopeful Spine]

I really wish it didn't have to come down to this. I relate with you in that I wish I had a good family. I wish I had a mother I could talk to about womanly things. I wish I had a big sister that wasn't jealous and weird with me. I wish they could accept me. But doing so would be a reminder of all of the things they've decided not to do.

If I went to VLC at this point, it would be to maintain their appearances and preserve their reputations, not for my benefit.

Thanks for sharing.  This is the path I've been walking for several years now.  "I wish, I wish, I wish".  That is my story too.  I've slowly replaced my wishes with new relationships.  This has allowed me to more easily "grey rock" and move on.  Keeping things intact just enough so I can be around my sweet nieces and nephews and the few people in my husbands family that I do enjoy.  For myself I know I need to gain strength and boundaries. I'm getting there and am starting to view things from a different level.  I'm glad you did the hard work too and are able to feel confident (if not still sad) about going NC.  It's an inspiration to me.