This is now a strange life but one I've rationalized

Jsinjin · September 30, 2023, 02:16:05 PM

Of the FOG for me, the two biggest ones are Fear and Obligation. I've had my ups and downs. My spouse is scary; she is always willing to take her anger and righteous indignation way past the line of normal decorum. Strange, one time I asked her a hypothetical while watching some law drama series on tv,if as a spouse she would exercise the right to not testify and she said "if I knew you had done something illegal I would have to testify against you". Tells me a lot. To solve the fear, I've learned to not allow myself to be bullied when she is angry. I also face guilt. We have not had a marriage at all in her bags our toward me, our relationship or our interactions since our third child was Born nearly 20 years ago. But as a Catholic and a committed husband I've stayed in and realize in my late 50s there is no where to really go and it's ok to be ok with that.

I don't know how common this life is. I recently upgraded the home we have in the mountains one state over and I simply spend huge chunks of time there. I talk to her very occasionally about mechanical things like finances, the kids, holidays and even what she is up to which is always angry crusades and volunteering her time and energy. I used to get down thinking "this is it?" And then I started realizing and perhaps rationalizing that maybe it's ok. I have meals, hobbies, scenery, activities, books to read, a career that is carrying family and homes and kids and colleges etc and I can help people with the things I care about.

Sometimes I wish that my marriage had had an once of togetherness or romance and maybe there are those for whom divorce is an alternative or a choice they are willing to make. I'm approaching our 30th wedding anniversary realizing that it's just another date and I'd rather not see her and try. The kids still see her as "mom" and I've been approaching retirement happy to travel alone, see things and read and I think I've come to like that idea and even anticipate it with excitement.

Does anyone else live like this?

SonofThunder · September 30, 2023, 02:44:25 PM

I lived like that (rationalized) for 30 years. 31 and beyond I'm living a different way.

You wrote:

"Sometimes I wish that my marriage had an ounce of togetherness or romance..."

Sometimes I wish the expensive airplane I was sold by the talented and wonderfully kind salesperson at the automobile dealership had wings like other planes I see when I look up in the sky.

Maybe thats why my airplane cant get its four tires off the asphalt, but no matter how hard I work on it, I can never seem to get this airplane off the ground. Its frustrating. Sometimes I look around and see vehicles on the road that look just like my airplane.

Im starting to wonder about the salesperson...

SoT

Jsinjin · September 30, 2023, 03:12:45 PM

I get it SOT. I've just realized that at my absolute core I'm committed first to the till death do us part whether that's irrational or not. It's more important to my self worth and inner peace than the potential happiness I would see leaving and finding a new relationship. .that's the obligation part of the FOG. What I have had to do is make sure I'm not unhappy living like this.

SonofThunder · September 30, 2023, 03:50:39 PM

Quote from: Jsinjin on September 30, 2023, 03:12:45 PMI get it SOT. I've just realized that at my absolute core I'm committed first to the till death do us part whether that's irrational or not. It's more important to my self worth and inner peace than the potential happiness I would see leaving and finding a new relationship. .that's the obligation part of the FOG. What I have had to do is make sure I'm not unhappy living like this.

Jsinjin,

Im glad you find comfort and seek happiness, even under the obligation you believe exists, and with which you believe you must adhere.

SoT

Jsinjin · September 30, 2023, 09:41:08 PM

Oh no. Mine can completely not care that I exist as long as I follow the rules to her. For her severe OCPD, the fairness, rules and organizations she is part of are all that she values. Although marriage is a marriage, there are rules; you stay married forever and never cheat and you never consider not being married. The sitting together, sleeping together, spending time on dates, being intimate, talking or being a couple is not part of the bizarre "rules". But this isn't about challenging. It's about the work I've done to accept and be happy with other things. I've accepted that I can write, build things, live my career, travel, exercise and be creative on my own and in my places I can change pictures on the walls and plant a garden and change things and run the dishwasher if it's not 100 percent full. And she doesn't care if I'm there or not.

SonofThunder · September 30, 2023, 09:56:13 PM

Jsinjin,

users questions about your wife's contentment and what you wrote with "at my absolute core I'm committed first to the till death do us part whether that's irrational or not" have created a question as well.

If you, as a "committed husband" who finds satisfying meaning in "self worth" and "inner peace", found out next week that your wife has had an ongoing relationship with another man for 15 years, would you still be committed to "...till death do us part whether that's irrational or not"?

Although the Catholic church and the law would approve of divorce for infidelity reasons, those two outside organizations are not your own "absolute core".

Circling back to your original post, I'm sure there are many here in the committed section, which I was for years, trying to find satisfaction in rationalization, but I had to be very sure of why I willing to accept irrational in my reasons for staying married. There came a point when I knew it was time to bail.

SoT

SonofThunder · September 30, 2023, 10:02:22 PM

Quote from: Jsinjin on September 30, 2023, 09:41:08 PMOh no. Mine can completely not care that I exist as long as I follow the rules to her. For her severe OCPD, the fairness, rules and organizations she is part of are all that she values. Although marriage is a marriage, there are rules; you stay married forever and never cheat and you never consider not being married. The sitting together, sleeping together, spending time on dates, being intimate, talking or being a couple is not part of the bizarre "rules". But this isn't about challenging. It's about the work I've done to accept and be happy with other things. I've accepted that I can write, build things, live my career, travel, exercise and be creative on my own and in my places I can change pictures on the walls and plant a garden and change things and run the dishwasher if it's not 100 percent full. And she doesn't care if I'm there or not.

This sentence:

"there are rules; you stay married forever and never cheat and you never consider not being married."

If you are stating that those are her rules, how do you know they are not projection? My stbx preached as well, and I eventually learned that the very rules she was looking for me to question or break, became the very side roads that I should investigate in her. Still true to this day. Rule preaching PD's can create a drama dust storm that eases their ability to conduct their covert desires behind the cloud.

There is that meme that states something similar to "the very thing thing you are being accused of is the closest thing to a confession that you will ever get from a PD".

SoT

SonofThunder · September 30, 2023, 10:03:07 PM

Quote from: user on September 30, 2023, 09:49:31 PMInteresting. I can't even imagine what that would be like. At any rate, back to your original point. I don't think there is any scenario where life with a PD is going to be truly satisfying. Those who seem genuinely happy are the ones who divorced their PD spouse. But if you can make it work, then good for you. No one has to have a say for the kind of life you live but you ... if it works for you, keep doing it

+1

notrightinthehead · October 01, 2023, 01:02:12 AM

Jsinjin, your path, creating more and more spaces where you can re-discover yourself, heal, even be happy, is similar to the path I took. My background is also staunchly catholic and I am not even aware that I have this dogma, 'til death..' so deeply ingrained in me , but that could be the reason why I struggle so much with the divorce right now.
I believe that you have been deeply traumatized by your wife's behavior and that you need to recover first before you could even think of opening up to another person and trying to trust again. For some lucky people it happens and others have to find happiness in their own company, with friends, other family members, or pets. We have learned to tolerate abusive behavior and we need to unlearn that and get to know ourselves really well. I find this a sometimes sad, mostly enjoyable journey and recently I have felt less lonely in this single life I live than I ever did in my marriage.
I am so glad you continue to share your progress and thoughts with us!