To all those separated and divorced...

[HotCocoa]

Hello, I just wanted to start a thread for all those separated and divorced. 
I've been reading the hardships of all those still in PD relationships and I can certainly relate. 
However, I wanted to start a thread that if you could name one blessing you are grateful for after getting out.
There may be many, however, I will start with this...

I am so grateful that I have the power over my decisions now.  When I was with my ex, I was paralyzed to make a decision for fear it would be the wrong decision.  Always.  I'm talking about even the smallest things, such as going to the grocery store and worried about what hot sauce I would buy, would it be the right one?  What if I took it home and he didn't like it?  What verbal wrath was coming my way?  Or would it be just subtle, degrading comments?
I am so, so much more self assured and grounded and do not second guess myself any longer.  The fear of always doing the wrong thing has subsided and I feel so much more confident and in control of my own life without someone to tear me down about things that do not matter.

I also no longer have chest pain and anxiety over the holidays so that is a bonus.

[capybara]

I am so grateful that I have the power over my decisions now.  When I was with my ex, I was paralyzed to make a decision for fear it would be the wrong decision. 

There are so many things... I am grateful that I look forward to the weekends now. I am happy to spend time at home.

[Kat54]

Hotcocoa-  Wow, you have described exactly my married life so I can completely relate. The grocery store, I would get anxiety picking things out or even how long I would be gone for. Some times there were no repercussions but many times there were. He was a beer drinker, and you would think I know what he drinks...nope.  I go to a cardiologist  for a valve issue. But I've had many episodes of chest pain and a visit to the ER because I was worried i was having a heart attack. Since I've been gone, not one chest pain and I feel great!

What I am most grateful for is my freedom and I'm becoming my own person, and spending time alone!  Its OK to be alone sometimes. Everyday is enjoyable and stress free.

[D.Dan]

I am grateful to not have to live in constant daily fear and anxiety anymore.

That I can do all the things me and my kids need to progress and live comfortably.

That I have energy instead of being exhausted all the time!

I don't have to worry about bills!

My kids are not living in terror anymore.

I can safely sleep through the night.

I can be sick without any worries!

If I've had a hard day, I can actually be lazy if I feel like it.

Seriously, there have been a lot of changes in my life and all the upsides have obliterated any guilt I had for leaving him!

[clara]

The biggest and most important gratitude I have for leaving my uNPDexh is in how it taught me to take care of myself.  I was scared of living alone, of being totally responsible for my financial and emotional well-being, and I didn't know if I could do it, but I did it.  I learned to stand on my own two feet. 

[Poison Ivy]

What Clara said and also that I'm now protected from my ex-husband's financial neglect and wrongdoing.

[Whiteheron]

Peace.

I can come home at the end of a hard day to nothing but peace. No one is going to berate me, no one is going to pick a fight (well, maybe teenage DS...),
no one is going to call me names. I can come home and just...be.

[Associate of Daniel]

Ahhhhh!  All of the above.

I have more money in the bank and less debt than we ever had when we were married.

I can take as many goes at parking the car as I need without him criticizing.  Our car had very poor sightlines. Even he couldn't park it straight.

I can now attend social events without worrying what mood he'll be in and I can arrive on time. He was perpetually late.

But best of all is the PEACE. My home is my haven. My safe place.  The peace is almost indescribable.

AOD

[Mitchy]

Like everyone else...the peace.

To know that no matter what decision I make, good or bad, that I'm the only one I'll have to answer to.

[pushit]

Peace, just like everyone said.  And the freedom to:

1.  Make decisions and be me
2.  Raise/discipline/encourage my kids without someone interrupting or interfering
3.  Allow my children to explore their interests
4.  Not tense up every time I hear the garage door open
5.  Not wonder if I'm doing what I'm "supposed to be doing"
6.  Sleep uninterrupted
7.  Not have to play mental jujitsu and stay one step ahead of her constant mind-screwing.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Thank you HotCocoa!
Oh my goodness YAAASSSSS! I am looking forward to all those things!!!



I am keeping a growing list of these on my phone. I need it to get through harder days like today and some of the coming days that are going to be extremely difficult too.

~BC

[notrightinthehead]

Everything that you all said and most of all the feeling of safety when I open my flat door. For the first time in my life I have a place where I feel completely safe. Nothing to prove, nothing to defend against, my own little cave where I relax and feel safe.

[Free2Bme]

Yes, yes, yes, to all of the things mentioned here !

*especially liked pushit's
                        "Not have to play mental jujitsu and stay one step ahead of her constant mind-screwing"   

I no longer feel I have the updxh microchip imbedded in my brain causing me to default every single thought to
"what would unpdxh think/say/want/react if I ....fill in blank....?"  I am the only one in command of my mind, my exH is no longer God.

My personality has returned. Creative thinking. Problem solving.  No longer being surveilled in my own home..... the list goes on.

I'm immensely grateful that I retained the ability to love.  No bitterness.

Thanks HotCocoa !

[noregrets]

Ah yes, the peace at home.  My home is now a haven, not a battleground where every word or action could lead to conflict or rage.  It's a place safe from his constant violations of my emotional and physical boundaries.  It's a place where I can shut him and his hurtful words and actions out.  Every time I feel doubt and feel drawn back into his web, I imagine what it would be like to not have a safe place to be again, and all doubt is gone.   

[Whatthehey]

Last night I went to sleep reciting all the things I am grateful for - everything from my electric blanket on zero degree nights to using the dishwasher.  I woke up this morning feeling a little better prepared for the grey January brings.

Then tonight I see this post and all the gratitude and listing of blessings that parallel my life. 

I am grateful I can organize my finances and budget like a normal person.  I am grateful for dishwashers; peace; quiet; my own place and my own things; filing papers and throwing away boxes; freedom from over thinking or second guessing.  Most of all, the knowledge that I am whole, intelligent, resourceful and a good person.

Great post!

[mdana]

Great post!

It's been 6 years, 7 in August and I had forgotten how bad things were until I read this post!

I'm so grateful now,  mostly for my sanity (regaining it), the clarity of my mind, my peaceful home, no stress ... all of the above!!!

Even buying groceries (because I would buy the wrong deodorant or something dumb) was stressful back then! My kids lived in agony ... as did I. The sheets had to be a certain way, we never knew when he would be home, or where/whom he was staying with when he was away. He hated everything the rest of us liked to do or eat, so when he was home we catered to his likes exclusively (soccer, politics, and his family and friends).

I feel so happy to not live that way anymore and even happier that I had forgotten the dreadful feeling..!!
M

[blunk]

This is a great topic, and there are so many things that I am grateful for.

-My health, mental and physical - not constantly having a knot in my stomach, headache, heartburn, muscle aches...all caused by stress
-Sleep - I always thought I was a light sleeper, turns out it was hyper-vigilance
-Being able to use the dishwasher, use paper plates, buy good toilet paper and not fight about any of it
-Visiting family without stressing
-Not feeling my chest tighten every time my phone buzzes
-Not having to worry about the house being trashed when I get home because he was drunk
-Cleaning and keeping house the way I like

I'm sure there's more, but those are the ones off the top of my head.

[Spygirl]

Officially divorced 7 months now. Separated a little over 2 years ago.

I am most grayeful for my DRAMATICALLY IMPROVED HEALTH! I was stressed to the point of medical problems. I have rarely even had colds in my life. Significant digestive issues, kidney stones, bladder infections, muscle pain, mental anxiety. It was terrible.

In the last 2 months, they have resolved. I may have a lingering appendix issue, but that will be addressed shortly.

I wonder now how much earlier i would have died trying to survive in that toxic marriage. It was literally killing me.

[Jsinjin]

Jealous!!!

[GettingOOTF]

The peace and independence mostly.

Living with my ex was so chaotic. There was always some drama with him. It was non stop. He also, under the guise of being helpful, constantly pointed out everything I did wrong. Which was everything. It was exhausting.

He was also very messy so the place was filled with clutter. It was so stressful.

Over the course of the marriage I accumulated a lot of learned helplessness. I was very dependent on him for almost everything. Which is difficult to explain as I was the breadwinner and took care of things but I gave up all my power.

I come home to a lovely home, it's clean and neat. My days are easy and stress free. I am so much more confident and adventurous. I have savings, no debt and have done so well at my career since I left.

My life looks nothing like it did when I was married. I'm proud of myself and all I've achieved. I feel like I have more motivation to do things and I look forward to things again.

I was scared of everything when I was married. So many things would go wrong and it would be my fault. Now when something happens like I drop something I just clean it up and move along. If I over sleep the whole day isn't "ruined". It's a different life.