Lockdown and guilt

[Ladymm]

Hi all,

Even though I feel the health emergency of the virus is a big preoccupation, in my small life, I really enjoy this lockdown time. Lockdown means no contacts with toxic people and no interactions with coworkers i dislike and also a time to revalue some other relationships.

The following may seem cruel, but I want to take this emergency as a practice. I want to take it as a practice for when life will need choices, like when maybe socially i will be expected to take care of my mother and father.

My toxic grandma called me today and i called her back. I wanted before i call her to put myself in the position not to ask her if she needs some kind of help, for example to bring her groceries. I expect my mother to be the one who in effect takes care of her. If i had an ok relationship i would go to the store for her, but i dont want, since she was a factor in my emotional abuse. But fog crept in and i asked her. Also she said she will saw herself a mask from some material cos she doesant have. I have 5 masks but i need them for us and most of all i dont like to be open to help with my family because thwn they become ultra invasive. When they see u want to help them they suck ur blood like vampires. My gm said my father told her he has no masks, which is a lie.. he has masks in the office where i work. Also he said they shop for my gm but she shops by herself she said today.this sent mw in bigger fog, like now so much depends on me. I feel they will get the virus just because i am inventing myself shit and die because i didnt take care of them.

F- my feelimgs of obligation really. I feel guilty ah my dad is 60 maybe even he needs help with shopping this is also more advanced age in terms of the virus..ah my grandma poor.. And i am such a bitch for my critic. I have these 5 masks and i feel like i should give them to anyone who mentiones they dont have masks. But i need them. They are surgical masks and who knows how long this lockdown will last. We are two people here with my husband. I also have two other masks but those are not as good.

I dont want to take care of them in this time. None of them. And never take care of them. Never give them questions if they need something.

Also also this lockdown is making me brave. Im considering quitting the job after it finishes. I cant work for my dad anymore. I hope i put this in practice.

In lockdown at least it is so so so nice not to have to have the thoughts ah wait should i visit them this weekend... Or i skip this weekend.. One month passed.. Should i go visit them now maybe? Really i want to make my skin tough and my life fog free in this time of seclusion.

And believe they can take care of themselves and also my toxic gm. Having put the fog in me is a crime really. It is debilitating. But i can overcome it with decisions, i know.

[Free2Bme]

Ladymm,

I can hear the tension when you describe your situation.  What I also hear is that you have answered your own question.  It seems you don't really want to give assistance at this time, and that is ok.  Know that if a member of your family gets this virus, that would not be your fault.  The reality is, you could give all the help in the world and they could still get it.  Give yourself permission to not be involved if you feel it is too much.

I would say that if later on you think about it and feel you can give help to a family member that has a need and can keep a boundary so that you are not sucked into toxic family drama then you could consider helping.  However, I don't think you should help because of guilt, manipulation, obligation, pressure.  So, if you decide to , do it with a clear mind and fully in charge of your decision, meaning you can walk away from it at any time and not feel like you need to do more or get sucked into being involved more than you are comfortable with. 

This lockdown is giving you a chance to have some distance and think clearly about your life and relationships.  This is great for you !  I would encourage you to journal and write down these thought and feelings, and what kind of change you might want to make; job change, limiting visits with family, etc.  Later, you can reflect on what you wrote and it will strengthen you.  This helps so much when things get confusing.  You are right when you say you can overcome these difficulties with "decisions" and "putting this in practice". 

It sounds to me like you are on the right track Lady !          -take care

[Ladymm]

Free2Bme,

thank you for your wise words.

What made me reflect was when zou wrote that in future if someone toxic from a family has a health/old age involved need, one can decide to help but with a strong sense of self boundaries. I was also thinking about this, but this makes me scared. Something in me doesn't want to have anything to do with my family. I respect this feelingnow as much as I can, but some voice in me says I exaggerate. I feel like this small child who had no option to go away back in the day is trying to escape now.

But if I process al in my head I have no idea what impulse/feeling rather then F/O/G could make me decide to help them when they will be ill/old.

[LoverofPeace]

Hello Ladymm,

Listen, I hear you on this. Free2Bme (love the name!) made good points about helping as long as you have cultivated healthy boundaries, while I hear you saying that you would rather take this time to heal in order to move on for good! And that's perfectly fine.

Everyone has their own measure of contact, i.e.; full contact (every day, can't believe this used to be me, yikes!), frequent contact (every week), once-in-awhile (once per month or couple of months), once-in-a-blue (once per year or few years), or full no contact (never again!). Guess which one is wrong? I was going to say none is, as this is what freedom of choice for a grown and healthy person is about. But actually, one or two is wrong if you're talking about being healthy; and that is the every day, or even every week contact, because we all know being in contact with a narcissist only results in F-O-G. The rest of it can help to clear things up, especially no contact! But what makes it harder, is that family and society say it's the other way around!

But you have every right to choose the way you want your life to go. I am learning this myself, as the daughter of not one, but two narc parents (my Nmom has it bad and my Ndad did too but has passed and it's like I was able to exhale when he did; wasn't even in my life like that either), a malignant narc sister (she has put hands on me before; full no contact with her), and I am finding out that my grandmother has it too, albeit she is more slick about it (a passive narc).

I am also not running out there to 'rescue' them, as I have posted about it. Like you, I do not want to due to all of the violations already leveled against me that they care not about. And so, my everyday contact became very low contact, to no contact for months. Unfortunately, the virus brought me back in somewhat, via yelling at my narc mom to not threaten me about it via text. As of last Friday, she tried to go full throttle with it by having her doctor call me; still turned them down for the sake of my sanity and busy schedule.

Bottom line: You are grown and don't have to do what makes you feel like an abused child ever again! There may be some hiccups, but as others told me, just know your boundaries, set it, stick by it, and if you fall off, get back in there and try again; the freedom of it is you can always reset it until you get it! You will have your setbacks and it's okay, as long as you're safe. Try turning from having the fear of it into having fun with it--not cold fun (I don't care about any of them, ha, ha!), but as in going easy on yourself and actually praying for them--from afar. This thing is bigger than us anyway, and I pray for myself and them every day--both before and after this crisis. Seems like one crisis after another!

But thanks to God, we are still doing well!