Narcissistic Statement of the day...

[freedom77]

I'm an RN in the U.S.

COVID-19 is sweeping through where I live, and as a healthcare provider it's an understatement to say that I am scared.

If I die, my DD has nobody. She will spend the next 8 years in foster care as a ward of the state.

This.Terrifies.Me.

I almost don't want to go to work.

But I do.

Because I have to.

I need to make a living.

Patients count on us to take care of them.

My DD is more important that either of these above facts.

Still...I get up at 0430 every morning I'm scheduled to work, and I go.

I went NC with BPD/N mother almost 2 months ago. She persists in stalking me, and attempts to continue to abuse me in any way she can. I'm convinced she's a malignant narcissist. She has a formal diagnosis of BPD/N, but I believe she is of the worst sort out there.

Well even though she is blocked on my phone, her voicemails, oddly still come thru. (I reason that if you block someone, the phone should not allow VM to come thru, but nevertheless, it does)

And when her VM comes thru, my phone just shows a VM it doesn't show what numbers they are from, and since I'm working the floor, I'm not looking at my phone all the time. So I listen to my VMs on break. Point being, I am vulnerable to inadvertently listening to one of her VMs because I don't know what phone numbers the VMs are coming from, could be her, could be a friend, whoever...and her number wouldn't show up on caller ID anyway because she is blocked.

So she leaves a gem yesterday. Immediately she hisses into the phone, "You're probably hoping I die from corona, aren't you?" Followed by a tirade of how at risk she is, and don't I care at all about how at risk she is for the virus, and as a nurse what example am I setting by not coming over to at least make sure she is not dying from corona...

Not once during the message (I opted to listen to the whole thing just to see if she referred to anyone else's welfare aside from her own--usually I just hit save for evidence without listening to the whole rant or waify whine)...so not once did she ask or even make mere mention of MY or DD risks...oh I don't know as a nurse working in a hospital...you know I might be at a disadvantage here in the wake of COVID-19.

Not once. It was all about her.

[Spring Butterfly]

First, thank you for your sacrifice caring for others. Several of my friends are in the medical field and despite risk you're on the front lines.

Second, I'm sorry you have to deal with such messages when you're working and stress levels are already high.

As a side point it sounds like you want to save the messages for evidence. If not then it might work to block the number through your cell service provider. Sometimes that would block the number entirely as opposed to at the phone level.

Sending lots of thoughts for peace and good health and strength. Lots of strength. Lots of peace. Stress hits on the immune system and right now you need it as strong as it can be. Do you have a good self care routine in place to restore and calm?

[TriedTooHard]

Thank you for all you do Freedom77.  It must be very scary. 

That is a very sick way for your m to treat you.  You made the right choice 2 months ago. 

Please remember its not you, you're doing the best you can.

And when times improve for you, she sounds like the type that will not relent.  You have every right to focus on yourself and DD.

[SunnyMeadow]

Thank you for going into work each day freedom! We all depend on nurses, doctors and all hospital staff. I'm sorry you have to make this stressful decision to work or not every single day. Being an RN right now is so stressful.

I'll bet you have plenty of disgusting and alarming messages from your Nmother saved already. Please fully block her at this point. You can unblock later if you need to and I sure hope you don't. If I feel anxiety at reading your mother's messages, I can only imagine what it's doing to you. Please don't subject yourself to her verbal filth and vomit. Block this woman.

A thought occurred to me reading your post. I'm sorry to even mention it but is your mother specifically written out of your will as far as caring for your daughter? If she's your nearest next of kin I wonder if this is a possibility.

When my kids were young, I had my uPDmother written out as a person to raise them.  This was iron clad in my will even before I knew about narcissism and personality disease. I knew I didn't want my mom raising my sweet children. My uPDmother always thought she'd be the one but there was no way that would be happening.

As Spring Butterfly wrote, stress hits on the immune system. Boy does it ever! I have a stress related disease that has caused me permanent damage. The only person who causes me stress is my mother. Year after year of stress and my body reacted in a bad way. Minimize your mother from your life. She isn't worth it.

**editing to add** I re-read about your phone allowing VM even though the number is blocked. Call your carrier to see if this can be changed. If not, I'd consider getting a new number.

[freedom77]

Thank you guys.

I became a nurse to help people, and to have a stable career to support my child with.

Unfortunately the empath helpers that most nurses are is being weaponized against us, much like how an NPD will weaponize things we say and do to manipulate us. Last week the nurse manager went round to every room and took away all of our PPE (personal protective equipment: gowns, small and large gloves, and face masks).

Now we must ask the charge nurse for it, as they are rationing it. Only medium gloves are available in the rooms. If you need another size for dexterity or have big hands...you get a baggie with 10 pair. I get it...we might run out and want to save it for when we really need it. Yet...I've not been fitted for an N95 mask, though the expectation sooner or later will be that I not only have the potential for encountering a known COVID + patient, but will be expected to care for one.

And let us not forget about code blues. Another horrible issue altogether. You may have heard there is a medical ethical question being asked: should all COVID + patients be automatic DNRs (do not resuscitate)? At first I was like no way, what if it were me?? I would want to be resuscitated.

Then I thought about the implications to HCW (health care workers). A code blue is ugly. It's violent. It's why we escort loved ones out of the room. I've broken ribs, big guys have cracked sternums. Patients will gasp, vomit, cough, spit. Huge transmission risk to HCWs. But first, before we even go in THAT room, we will carefully, not hastily, don our PPE. Every second of a code blue counts. By the time we get our stuff on correctly, for we will not cut corners to our own life and health, the patient will be dead. If we try to bring him back, he's likely to be in a persistent vegetative state, crudely known as "a vegetable", or have other types of brain and organ damage with lifelong implications and potential for disability.

Is it worth it? To them? To us as HCWs?

We've never seen times like these in modern medicine. Reminds me a little of The Stand.

I'm very worried about COVID-19.

How do I get a will that states my mother cannot have my child? I know a will usually states what you want someone to have, not sure how to clearly state she cannot have.

[freedom77]

Additionally, who do I name to get my daughter? There isn't anyone I can think of. I mean, sure I have friends and such, but none who are looking to take on the task of finishing raising someone else's child for the better part of a decade, should my name join the COVID casualty list.

I realize I should talk to a lawyer. I just don't know what to say, oh let her be a ward of the state? That's one of my worst nightmares. Awful things happen to children in foster care. This I can attest to. Awful things happen to unwanted children, more so than the wanted ones.

There is one person I think of. I've known him years now. He's smart and kind and a dedicated husband and father. His wife is a little neurotic, but very sweet just the same. And they've got two girls close to DD's age. Only caveat...he's a nurse too....

If we both die, there's no way his anxious wife can care for another kid, let alone her own two she'll need lots of help with.

Thank you for bringing this up SunnyMeadow...it is a realistic issue that should be settled, especially in these times.

[SunnyMeadow]

As far as a will that states your mother cannot have your child, here's what I did. I did an online will and specifically wrote out my mother as an option and named the two people I wanted. I had two friends sign as witnesses.

Now I'm not entirely sure that an online, do-it-yourself will would hold up as a legal document at all but I thought so at the time. I figured I was doing the right thing because online wills and directives were a very popular and new thing.

My mom has a lawyer drafted will and has written in all kinds of things, excluding people and for each specific reason too. If she can have all that in the document, I don't know why you couldn't put that you don't want her as guardian.

What a terrible thing for you to have to think about, on top of all you're going through right now at work and with your mother.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Freedom, I am praying for your safety at work and for you and your DD. You are a heroine, in so many ways.

You can definitely write in a will that you do NOT want your mother to ever have guardianship. We recently updated our will, and we explicitly wrote out both of our extended families, even mentioning that we intend that they should not even have visitation rights. No guarantee that would be upheld by a court should our FOOs contest the will, but it can only help imho. Where we live the named guardians and executors are expected to sign off on the will, but it doesn't have to be in front of a notary or anything. It's more a courtesy to those you named to help ensure that the appointment is not a surprise if they are called upon.

[nanotech]

I read your thread last night, and I realised that anything I'm going through right now doesn't compare to what you are having to cope with. 
I'm really sorry you have this worry and on top of that had to receive a voicemail like that  from the very person in your life whom you should be able to turn to for help and support.
Thank you for your work, nursing the ill and infirm. You really are the stuff of legends. Please keep safe. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
She's a lucky child, to have such a strong, powerful and loving woman for a mum! 🌼

[GettingOOTF]

Thank you for all you are doing. I have friends i healthcare and I know how exhausted and scared they all are now.

While we've never met I think about you and all you are going through with your mother. You are so brave and strong. I don't think I'd have held up nearly as well as you are. Knowing what you do for a living I only admire you more.

I have no advice, just my usual encouragement to stay the course and try not to let her in your head too much. Now may be a good time to stop listening to her messages. You can always do so again once you are past this health crisis. The important thing is to limit your stress.

Hang in there. You inspire me and I'm sure you do  others who have followed your story.

I read a biography of an abused woman. She said that when ever she gave talks for her job she always introduced herself as a victim of domestic abuse. She said you never know who is listening and who will be helped by your story.

[Free2Bme]

freedom-

I would say your mom is way down the list of important right now.  Your health and peace of mind, boosting your immune system (as others mentioned), and your precious daughter come first.  If it gives you peace of mind to have an attorney write this up for you, then do it so you can put it to rest.  Block mom, save your sanity.

I am a student HCW in FT internship.  I was recently sent home from my hospital rotation.  I have bonded with my clinical instructors at my site and are concerned for them due to the direct PT contact we encounter  (hacking, coughing, various body fluids).   Not to mention that not every HCW practices proper infection control.  I have mixed feeling about not being there.  I am both relieved but also feel like I should be alongside in the trenches.  I suggest you pester the charge nurse for PPE's, a N95 at a minimum.

I also have my DD (youngest of 4), at home and share the same concerns that you mentioned.  It is very scary indeed. 

Praying for your safety and well-being during this difficult time.  Please take every precaution available to you.

Thank you for all you do !   

[_apparentlywicked]

Freedom have you poked about in your voice mail settings. My dad's blocked so like you when he calls it takes him straight to leave a voicemail. But I found a setting so that when I call for my voicemails it just tells me the number thats left a message, I have to then press '1' for it to play it.

I've deleted the last few without even listening. I like knowing I don't need to listen to his voice even though his messages are just identical 'how are you sweetheart' which just make me feel nauseous after the way he spoke last time I saw him.

❤️❤️