Just found out my Nsis died a year ago and no one told me....

[MyEyesROpen]

Where to start?

I've been NC with my youngest Nsis for almost 2years following a narcissistic rage on her part, but before that, we'd been good friends throughout our lives, even though her narcissistic tendencies had begun to ramp up as she'd got older and she'd become harder to deal with and be around.

She'd rung me up out of the blue one day and tried to gaslight me into believing that she'd only stayed with me for four days after her second divorce, when she'd actually stayed with me for the better part of a year. It was a ridiculous assertion and since she was on the speaker phone when she said it, both me and my DH told her it was rubbish. Heaven knows why she'd suddenly decided to come up with this crazy idea. But, the result of not being believed.....how could we? It was mad.....was that she flew into an almighty rage and I put the phone down on her. That was in summer 2018 and it was the last time we spoke. We contacted her the following year to let her know that our father had died and where the funeral was being held. She kept in contact with my two children and they went round to visit her occasionally, despite her increasingly odd behaviour.

A year before I went NC with her she'd been diagnosed with terminal cancer and so all this year, I've wondered how she was doing. How could I not? She'd not texted my children since last Christmas. On a whim, I decided to check the local obituaries and unexpectedly found hers. She'd died on new years eve 2019, not long after my children had paid her a visit. I couldn't believe it. Why hadn't her new partner contacted us? He hadn't even contacted my children, even though he had their numbers. I was speechless for a while. She must have left instructions for us not to be told, it was the only explanation.

In her obituary, she described herself as a loving mother and sister.....which I found very hypocritical. She'd had a difficult relationship with her step daughter at best and she'd chosen to hurt the only sister who'd stayed in contact with her most of her life. I found it hard to process, but not all that surprising.

I suppose what I'm asking, is whether anyone else can relate? Has anyone else not been told when a close relative died and felt it was designed to hurt them as a final form or revenge? Why do NPD's do this? Any thoughts on the matter would help me process this. Thanks in advance.

[notrightinthehead]

I am so sorry for your loss. It must be very painful, especially as the relationship was so complicated.

I have found that when I try to understand the motives, thoughts, behaviours of the PDs in my life, I drive myself crazy. It is so difficult to understand myself, and to understand another person especially when they behave so unpredictably and irrationally as many PDs do, might be a futile attempt. When I manage to just accept the behaviour as I experience it, tell myself that they probably have their reasons, not matter how strange they might seem to me, then focus on my own emotional response to it, and try to soothe my own hurt and comfort myself, I seem to be able to cope better with such situations.

[MyEyesROpen]

Thank you for your kind words Notrightinthenhead.

You're right, I'll never understand her motives or thoughts and I'll only drive myself crazy if I dwell on it. Maybe it's enough to know that she probably was trying to hurt me. It's very sad that narcissists spend their last moments thinking how to hurt others, they feel have wronged them. Of course, I wasn't hurt because I wasn't surprised. I was just sad that she'd spent her last days being so bitter.

[sandpiper]

I'm so sorry. When they die, we grieve for all the lost potential and the person they could have been if they'd chosen to make the effort to heal. I remember reading Mommy Dearest and how Joan Crawford used her final illness to find ways to punish her children for loving her.
I agree that it is just jumping on the crazy train trying to understand why they do the things they do. They do things to hurt and punish and inflict as much suffering as possible and FWIW the obituaries are usually just some last-minute gaslighting. I can still remember how hard it was, forty years ago, when our PD father died in an accident, and we had to write the funeral notices for the newspaper. In the end we decided there was a standard set of lines that was used quite often in the newspapers and we just copied from someone else's. It felt totally wrong and I will never forget how we all looked at each other when we saw that nonsense in print. The death notice cut deep as it meant that we were going along with the lie that everything was OK when it was transparently obvious that our father was not OK, and nor were we. All the crazies that showed up at his funeral were evidence of that. The good people were long gone. Lost to his chaos and confusion and his rage and paranoia.
I've found that it helps to write your own farewell to them. Or to use the empty chair technique that they use in T, to say what you need to say to them. Nobody else needs to see or hear that, but it helps for you to process it.
I fully expect to stand in your shoes one day. I have two older sisters who I'm NC with, for the sake of my own sanity. Being away from them helps me to remember who they were before they went down that trajectory.
I'm sorry you found out about it like this. Just remember, it is the PD way. They aren't satisfied till they've pushed away everyone who loves them. It's like self-sabotage is their ultimate life goal. The only way to survive that is to jump ship & flee on a life raft while you watch them scuttle their own ships. It's crazy and it's heart-breaking, I know.

[Adria]

I'm so sorry for your loss and the way it happened. It is truly unbelievable and hard to wrap your head and heart around.

Nobody told me when my mother passed away. Not one person called from either side of the family, either to tell me or send condolences.  I was devastated when I found out she passed and even more devastated when nobody thought I was important enough to call.  But, I sure heard later what a horrible daughter I am for not attending her funeral.  I know my Ndad and Nsisters did this maliciously. That is who they are.  They knew how much it would hurt me, and then went to the funeral and probably told everyone how cold and uncaring I am with tears rolling down their faces. 

It's hard to think that things can ever go this bad because we just can't imagine doing something so hurtful to anyone let alone people we are supposed to love. It's a sad and harsh reality how mean and calculating people can be, even our own families.  I am sooo sorry you have to endure this. You have my deepest sympathy, honey.  Please take care of yourself and be patient with yourself as you process all of this.  Hugs, Adria