Out of the FOG

Hi everyone,

It's my first post here but I've been lurking a while!

I've finally decided to send my uNParent a letter detailing my anger towards them for their behaviour during my childhood. I am telling them that I'm going NC temporarily while I focus on myself, do therapy etc. I am so looking forward to being free of the obligation to call, visit etc, but I know it's also going to be hard.

I'm going to send the email tonight... I have been working up to this for years. I don't know how they'll respond: things have been on an even keel for years, but this is the first time I've ever really confronted them and I am going in! I think my insistence for NC alone would be accepted with indifference and perhaps some martydom; but once they read the full letter there's the potential for rage and blame and invalidation, because they certainly have never shown any capacity for self-reflection or taking accountability for their actions.

I wanted to start a post to say hello, and invite some support from people who know what this feels like, and share the inevitable ups and downs. I'm lucky to be working with a fantastic therapist who supports my decision, but sometimes that week between sessions feels real long! :)

TrueRefuge

Welcome, TrueRefuge!

I'm glad to know you're working with a therapist who supports you fully. That can be a huge source of support. And I remember the days when 7 days between sessions seemed way too long :)

I've done what you're about to do. With my parents, I was hitting a point in therapy in which the worst and ugliest stuff was bubbling up, and the thought of making small talk with my parents at a sporting event while internally processing the abuse of childhood was unthinkable. I requested 3 months NC, which turned into longer, and we really didn't recover from there.

But, I did recover, as I had complete silence in which to do the heavy trauma processing I needed to do, without interference or interruption. It was a long tough winter and it was the final valley before starting to climb back up the mountain again.

I'm happy to share what you think might be helpful, or simply listen to more of your story if you wish to share. Each of our journeys are different, and yet there are often so many similarities.

I'm glad you've found us, and sorry you need to. Best wishes!

Sending you all the very best as you begin this journey! Having times of NC can truly help clarify the situation in ways you can't when caught in the maelstrom PD can create.

I do have one small caveat - if you've not sent it yet, I'd suggest removing any mention of therapy. I say this because you may not want to give them any future ammunition, and frankky it's none of her business.


Mine would take that and run with it, claiming all manner of deficiencies on my part, throwing it back in my face with a vengeance, and yes, repeatedly and emphatically insist that I'm out of my mind. She's blamed all and sundry every time I've stood up for myself and done what I needed, never yet looking to herself and how "all this" truly came about. I've lived to regret it every time I've made myself vulnerable to her - factual and detached have been my only saving graces on my way to acceptance.

We're here with you, standing by your side. Welcome  :wave:

I agree with moglow and wasn't clear enough--you certainly don't owe your parents any details you don't want to share.

Hi TrueRefuge!

I did a similar thing not long ago. Sent my reply to my uPDmom's email and told her I couldn't talk to her for a while. That time of NC was glorious and empowering, I felt strong for the first time ever. I thought about her and our blow up constantly but eventually thoughts of her receded and it was wonderful. The guilt got to me and after she managed to get around a phone block by using another person's phone, I talked to her.

We are vLC now and she can't help but pull out all her usual waif, tears, guilt and more. I shut her down the last time I saw her and told her I will not talk about the event that caused NC again. I was very forceful and could feel the fire in my eyes when she brought it up with tears threatening to spill  :bawl:  You should have seen the look on her face! I rarely do that, I was so angry that she told me she didn't know whyyyy we had this blow up. Just a cautionary note, I listed out everything I thought of her belittling and moaning about me and my foc. She had the nerve to say I never told her the reasons why I stopped talking to her. I've read this is a thing that others have experienced with their PD people. You tell them in a letter, on paper, in no uncertain terms and they still say they just don't understand and you never told them the reason. Really strange phenomenon.

I agree with reconsidering adding the therapy part. Whatever you write will most likely be thrown in your face or spread around as gossip. They don't deserve to know too much about you.

Best wishes and enjoy the NC. Glad you're here with us, vent whenever you need to!

Thank you everyone! Your replies are so welcoming and supportive - thank you thank you thank you!

Moglow, thanks for that feedback - I haven't sent it yet and I have gone through and removed references to therapy. It would probably be very easy for them to write it all off as a mental breakdown and therefore completely invalid! PS I went through your profile and just wanted to say sorry to read about the current situation with your brother. I hope it resolves itself as best as it possibly can.

all4peace and SunnyMeadow - your experiences are really reassuring to read and I love that you both felt strong and like you could heal using that time apart. That is what I'm hoping for and just feel I need to finally do this for me. I am trying to take a detached observer role in this, and see how it affects my day-to-day anxiety and whatnot. And I hope it will be a great step in my healing to have the strength and self-esteem to finally say "No, those things you have done are totally unacceptable." I don't see how I will ever build my sense of self-worth if I don't ever say that to the person who needs to hear it.

all4peace, how long have you been NC now? Do you still feel generally more at peace?

I'm sure I'll be back online tomorrow when the fall-out has hit the fan... In the meantime, thanks again so much for your support and friendly welcomes and I hope I'll see you all around on other threads too :)

Truerefuge, I asked for 3 months and didn't see them for a total of 6+. For me, I did feel the need for VLC and eventually facing my fears again, but those months NC were necessary for me and sent a message to the whole family that I was serious.

We're now basically at weddings and funerals level of contact.

Quote from: TrueRefuge on August 20, 2019, 02:36:01 AM
...there's the potential for rage and blame and invalidation, because they certainly have never shown any capacity for self-reflection or taking accountability for their actions.

My wife and I did this. Our crisis began almost exactly four years ago. Remember in the Christmas Story, when the kid bypassed "double-dog dare" and went straight to "triple dog dare"? My MIL bypassed the Silent Treat and went straight to "no longer want to interact with you other than to see our grandson." After a 6-month battle we acquiesced and declared NC, to include our DS.

You are doing so much right! You have a therapist. You are being clear and direct, and including that this is a limited-time NC, to help them accept it better and not explode.

I hope you also have something you didn't mention: a FOC to work with on this. You have this great online community, and it helps, believe me. But you also need a real-live friend who knows you and your history, to provide you confidence and safety.

One other angle is worth mentioning. They will not react well, and shouldn't be expected to. If you are asking for a time-limited NC, you presumably hope to restore some version of contact in the future. Doing so will require that you separate your justifiable hurt and scars from the current frustration. Try to express yourself clearly but kindly. Try to be above the fray: telling them facts about what you need and are doing, but not justifying it constantly: no JADE.

Remember to take care of yourself. Your goal -- I suspect -- is to overcome the damage they've inflicted and to be better than they have been. Think of that goal throughout, because going NC -- even temporarily -- is hard. So do the positive things you need to do to keep your heart soft, for all the great, loving people in your world.

So much good strength to you.

all4peace, I hope VLC is working for you as much as it possibly can.

Starboard Song, thank you so much for your thoughts! I do have a great FOC - no children (by choice) but a fantastic partner who knows everything about me and supports me whatever I choose to do, and is there to pick me up when things fall apart, as they inevitably do :)

I'm not surprised to hear MIL forced your hand - one of the most frustrating things about the whole PD parent thing is how you (the good person) ends up looking like the bad guy to anyone who's not intimately involved with the full history. That FOG is thick and they know it... How are you and your wife faring after 4 years?

I'm choosing temporary NC for a couple of reasons. 1) because the therapy I'm doing is pretty deep (schema therapy for anyone interested) and this is built on the idea of the therapist "reparenting" your inner child, with the aim of building up those skills in the client eventually. So I feel I need to step away from my existing parental relationship so as not to confuse matters. And I really trust my therapist who has created such a safe space for me, full of warmth and compassion and acceptance. 2) Because I've never confronted my parent until now, and things have been on the surface fine for a few years, I feel like Schrödinger's cat: am I alive (NParent isn't a terrible person) or am I dead (they are and I just haven't had a reminder in a while). It's driving me a little mad to be honest, making me doubt the past even though I know it's all true. I need to know what reality I'm living in and the only way to do that is to expose my reality and test what the reaction is... I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else! 3) I actually am not committed to an outcome either way - if after 6 months of intense therapy and NC I still don't feel "healed" (or at least on the way) or I still feel I want NC for a longer amount of time, I can make that decision then. I don't want to go NC forever if I don't have to, but I know that I at least need it for now.

It's all so complicated and I guess ultimately I just want to heal those wounds, as you say, and I have tried so much in the past and I just can't carry this around anymore. I'm equal parts excited for the relief I will feel, and petrified of the consequences. But that's ok. I've been petrified most of my life :)

I've sent it. I paused over the "Send" button for  10 minutes. I hate the idea of upsetting anybody; I also hate the fact I'm even in this position in the first place. But I remembered my therapist's reactions to the stories I've told and how awful my NParent has been to me in the past - and reminded myself that I'm doing this for me and I'm the only person who can look after my little inner child now, and she does deserve protection and needs someone to stand up for her.

Blah. What a feeling of adrenaline release  :stars: :blink: I'll update you all when I have news.

Warm wishes to you all,

TrueRefuge

The waiting can be hard. I hope you're able to focus on good things and good people and let the universe react as it will, including your parents. Strength and peace to you.

I've recommended this a zillion times now on the forum, but when I used to face existential dread that was hard to cope with, I would sometimes use something called tapping (EFT). You sound pretty solid and calm, but just in case (and if it wouldn't interfere with your schema therapy), here's a link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tul6U4D9CRg

all4peace, thanks so much for that - I have not tried tapping before, might have a go at this later.

I've had a reply: NParent is shocked, and will not reply at the moment as they are too upset. Will respond properly in a few days.

I am now overcome with self-doubt that it's all been in my head, that I've built it all up, that I expect too much, even though I know for a fact all that stuff happened and the letter is completely honest. I think from here it will all depend on whether their upset turns to rage or self-pity, or, heaven forbid, a hint of empathy... And of course how my next few months of therapy goes.

All I do know is that I will be doing a lot of mindfulness for the next few days!

Thank you all again for your support :)

TrueRefuge

You've got this! You have what sounds like a great therapist, and the support of this forum. Healing ahead!

Of course she's shocked! You have probably stepped out of your assigned role and someone did this to her! I'm assuming you didn't ask for or need her response - you told her you're stepping back and doing what you need for yourself. I'm guessing she'll run the gamut of emotions, and hoping she doesn't dump it all on you - but understand that anything could happen.

Keep reminding yourself - Her response isnt the goal here. Your letter wasn't about starting that conversation, it was you speaking what you'd hidden all these years. What she thinks or how she feels about it isn't your stuff. This is *your* choice, your life, your stuff to work through. You might want to consider an email filter that any/all from her is moved to a folder, marked "read" so you don't notice it's there until you're ready to actually read it.

If you've chosen NC, even for a while, use it well. Don't be goaded into repeat performances of the past. Don't pop off a response based on hers, try to step away from the keyboard and continue to do what you need for as long as you need. Maybe journal or write a few Unsent Letters instead - you know, get it out without anyone's interference.

This is the best time to change the trajectory and find your own direction. When/if you resume contact "later" you really do get to decide what you're comfortable with and go with that. You can think through and establish whatever boundaries are best for you, and decide how to enforce them. It doesn't have to be a war but may be a huge adjustment for you. If you're like many of us, the mere thought that we *need* boundaries is a daunting thought! Just remember, you've been using boundaries every day with every relationship, without even thinking about it. She's really no different in that respect - you're just leveling the playing field.

We're here with you!

Thank you all4peace - healing ahead! I do feel like I've woken up in a different world today - a world where NParent knows all the things I feel about their parenting failures. I thought I would go to my grave with that information. So I feel a bit like I'm having an out-of-body experience. But I know it is for the best and needed to be said, for me, even if they see it as a hateful attack on their soul.

Moglow, thank you for such an in-depth reply!  :) You're right, they will be feeling all the emotions under the sun but actually all I've done is hold a mirror up and say "This is how I've felt since I was 6 years old." I know they will dispute it all/claim they don't remember, which will just be super infuriating but at least I will know what I am working with. Someone else has said to me "It's interesting there's been no "I'm sorry you've felt the need to have to write this letter, I understand your needs right now". No, they are incapable of that and I doubt their reply in a few days will be any different.

I told NParent if our relationship is to move forwards after my 6 months NC, I will need them to have a conversation with me about the contents of the letter, because I am worth more than the ways they've treated me and refuse to have anyone in my life who thinks differently. I am their child for Christ's sake. I shouldn't have to be explaining this! It also goes to show how easily they can just white-wash the past and they probably think these incidents are completely meaningless... That to them our relationship was absolutely sound. Laughable.

But, regardless of their reply, you're right - I will not be getting into an argument, or JADEing; I won't be replying to them, whatever they say next. I will use my time in therapy and free of obligation to work on myself and heal, which is the most important thing to me now.

What annoys me most is images keep flashing in my mind of how upset they must be, how they're reacting today, and that hurts me because I know what that hurt feels like.... I want to go and soothe their pain and take it all back. It's so twisted, considering they have hardly ever shown themselves capable of soothing my emotional pain when I've needed it.

Quote from: TrueRefuge on August 21, 2019, 09:10:45 AM
What annoys me most is images keep flashing in my mind of how upset they must be, how they're reacting today, and that hurts me because I know what that hurt feels like.... I want to go and soothe their pain and take it all back. It's so twisted, considering they have hardly ever shown themselves capable of soothing my emotional pain when I've needed it.

I understand. It doesn't feel right to stand up to a parent. I sent myself into weird mind places over the years dealing with my mother. But you are a fully grown person who gets to decide how to live your life and you've decide not to put up with poor treatment.

You are a caring person and worried about how they will feel after reading your letter. Sad that our PD parents have never been worried about how their insults, silent treatment and mean games have made us feel.

Expect all kinds of denial, blame shifting and other horribly mean things to be written. I blocked email and phone after sending my reply. I could NOT have dealt with my uPDmom's quivering, waify, BS reply so I blocked. They don't change, they don't take responsibility because they are always RIGHT.

Deep breathing and being glad that you're protecting yourself from crap treatment is enough for today! I'm very proud of you and know how hard it is!  :hug:

Thank you so much SunnyMeadow - I appreciate the support (and the hug :))

TrueRefuge, good on you for standing up and recognizing what you needed to do!
I did this 4+ years ago, without the support of my therapist (made it very hard) and...crickets chirping. Nothing from NM. On the one hand, I am relieved, but it was very hard for other reasons. It's hard not to second guess your decision if it's not being reinforced by continuing bad behavior on their part. Also, as much as we need this, it would be nice to think that we are worth fighting for.
If they don't respond at all, even after what one would think of as a normal Silent Treatment interval, realize that that, in itself, is a form of response.
I would recommend that you not be wedded to the idea of talking to them about this in six months, or a year, or ever. It might happen, but you also might rethink if you even want to.

Sending you all the good thoughts, this stuff is really hard and you are brave to take action.

Thanks so much Fuzzydog (great name by the way!) ;D

So are you now NC with your NM (if you don't mind me asking)? Or did you get to a place where you felt you've said your piece, she knows how you feel, and if she's happy to pretend all is normal then fair enough?

I agree, it's those conflicting feelings of "I am not expecting anything good to come of this" to "I am your child, how can it have come to this?". And then the circle of self-doubt, guilt, grief, blah blah blah. But at the end of the day, I've felt rubbish about our relationship for ages, and I still feel rubbish about it now, so nothing has got worse and at least I've said what I needed to say. It's early days though. And yes, as you say I'm trying not to commit to anything, but felt 6 months is a fair amount of time to work on myself and gain some clarity (which I definitely don't have right now). Things are complicated as my sibling is getting married next year, so I wanted ideally to work towards some closure before then, while still giving myself a good amount of space to heal.
I think what happens next will depend on a) how my therapy and healing goes and b) how NParent responds - but those things could both go off in many directions, so I'm not committed to a particular outcome right now.

It's so great to have a community of people who understand, I'm so very grateful for this space.

Thought I'd share a quick update, 36 hours in...

NParent emailed yesterday evening to ask "why now? Who or what has instigated this? We've had all these nice times recently and your sending this email seems very mixed up." I didn't see that till this morning.

This morning they messaged my DP saying we couldn't now all be at a big family event happening next year "due to my horrendous email" so expected us to do the right thing and pull out (it's not their event by the way so no right to invite or disinvite anybody).

I wouldn't have replied if it weren't for the threat to sabotage said event, but I replied saying I don't think it's necessary for anyone to pull out of the event, we are all capable of being civil. And that although I appreciate this has come as a shock, it is simply the right time for me to express my feelings. And that I'd be back in touch next year.

They have responded with the usual and expected response: we definitely can't all be at the event so if me and my DP don't pull out, the organiser (relative) will need to be involved (to choose between us I presume). That they have already spoken to another relative about this (the triangulation starts). And of course, the accusation of selfishness: That their only observation to my letter is that it's all about me, and "something I may want to think about" is that what I decide is right for me might not be what's right for them (threat to withdraw their love if I don't get back into line?). Which is astounding since actually the letter was all about them and their behaviour, not me at all! Ha!

Sooooo  :stars:

I will not be replying to this last email by the way - that's for sure.

I actually feel relieved: because things have been fine for years (as I suppressed all my anger) I fooled myself that maybe they aren't that bad, they were stressed, that I was making things up or blowing out of proportion. I know now that's not the case: they are disordered and have no ability to empathise or acknowledge my feelings at all - let alone care about how I feel. So now I can actually start grieving the parent I have never had, knowing that I have not been making it up.

Wow. I feel your pain and disappointment here. So much like what I've heard from mine and other members here over the years.

People mention "the playbook" and it's so sad to see it come out over and over again.

Questioning "who or what has instigated this" instead of addressing the actual substance of the letter? Check.
Muddying the waters and involving others to "prove their innocence/your guilt." Check.
Implied threat of you "ruining" some future event by daring to think for and take care of yourself? Check.
Throwing "selfishness" at you, as if your first responsibility in life isn't to yourself and your own well being? Check. Check.

I'll be honest, that's why I suggested you remove any reference to therapy. Following a confrontation about our past, my mother's first retort was demanding to know where all this is coming from. I was honest, told her I'd been seeing a counselor and I needed to get that out so I could finally put it down and leave it behind. I was trying to be realistic, open up and share with mother how important this was for me to talk about.

Big mistake. The whole discussion went sideways, she went full on rage, blamed the counselor and claimed I'd attacked her. I left her house feeling much worse than I went in. She then shared her version with every family member who'd listen, and burned down any hopes of understanding or support from them. I was very alone for a long time, my trust in family destroyed.

I'm sorry - I've been where you are and the memories are painful, even all these years later. Maybe I need that reminder myself. You hold tight to what you know to be true. Don't be swayed by their panic, guilt trips and superficial rug sweeping. Do what you feel is right, and keep on doing that. But take your NC for as long as you need it. Don't keep discussing and going over it with them - you need time to sort and think through the realities here, without the distractions and side arguments.

We're here with you. :hug:

I'm so sorry for how this is unfolding, and yet as you so wisely already see it actually helps to validate what you were realizing about them all along. It hurts to be on the receiving end of this kind of immediate lashing out, triangulation and manipulation, but it is also validating. You sound strong and capable!

I am so sorry that you are going through this.  People here understand.  They have been through it before and are supportive.  It's a safe place to keep venting and asking questions.  I went through my own NC in recent months and the help I got here was amazing. 

I agree with the suggestion not to tell about the therapy.  I did many years ago and got accused of lying to the therapist to get her on my side.  I made the mistake again by telling my father that every therapist I have seen in 20+ years has recommended no contact or very limited contact.  Now since I'm the one whose been to therapy and she hasn't, I'm the crazy one.  She's never been to therapy and she's totally fine in her opinion.

Keep posting, surround yourself with understanding friends, keep going to a therapist who gets it, read books about it and take care of yourself.

Quote from: TrueRefuge on August 22, 2019, 05:41:41 AM
That their only observation to my letter is that it's all about me, and "something I may want to think about" is that what I decide is right for me might not be what's right for them (threat to withdraw their love if I don't get back into line?). Which is astounding since actually the letter was all about them and their behaviour, not me at all! Ha!

So typical. Same thing happened with my uPDmom and I, my reply to her email of how awful of a daughter I am, was completely ignored. It turned into how hurt SHE was at my reply. No acknowledgement of my statements or feelings. A very caring parent? No.

Quotethey are disordered and have no ability to empathise or acknowledge my feelings at all - let alone care about how I feel. So now I can actually start grieving the parent I have never had, knowing that I have not been making it up.

It's a real slap in the face but it points out in no uncertain terms what you've been dealing with all along. It's all about them and to hell with the hurt they have caused their children. They are hurt and that's all that matters. I'm sorry TrueRefuge.  :-\

Thank you all so much. You empathy and support is so helpful in these times.

I think the next few days are going to be an emotional whirlwind as the seriousness of the situation sinks in. But I just keep reassuring myself that the truth is out there now. My DP said "They've always controlled the narrative, but at least now you can live authentically" which is so true and I need to keep hold of that. I haven't lived authentically with NParent for a decade (for obvious reasons!) and now I need to enjoy that authenticity.

Hopefully the next few days will be peace and quiet and I can just hunker down and take care of myself.

Seriously, thank you for all the hugs and well wishes and shared experiences: they are so helpful, you are an amazing bunch and I hope I can help others once I've sorted myself out a bit! :blink:

Wow, True Refuge, if you ever needed proof that you were on the right track when you took the decision to go NC, that reply from your parents certainly sealed the deal. As Moglow said, it's straight from the PD Playbook all right. Your parents' need to punish you for stepping out of line could not be any clearer. I really liked your reply to them saying you have the right to be at the event and it's not up to them. Their rage at being disobeyed or even questioned is palpable.
I'm sure things will continue to escalate from their side as they soar into a towering shit storm of umbrage at your audacity ;)  and gather an entourage of flying monkeys abounding from all quarters.
You, however, sound as if you have abundant strength and intelligence to see it all for what it is. I look forward to hearing more about your journey Out of the FOG. Best wishes.

I have nothing more to add to what's already been said but wanted to voice my support and congratulations for taking your life back! It was painful for me the first few months but now I feel so relieved to have escaped the chaos! Way to take this brave step! We're all behind you!

Hey TrueRefuge,

Sorry to jump in here late. That Schrodingers' Cat reference you made earlier is very familiar and what I think comes from cognitive dissonance. Your whole life you've been told one thing and known something else to be true. I did something similar to you last December. My uBPD/N M (aka Negatron)'s behavior got so bad that my health started to decline. When I had a genuine panic attack at work I knew I couldn't do it anymore. I wrote a letter which was very unemotional and pretty much purely fact based. Stuff like things her therapist said in my presence. Her response was to tell my BF (who is the only on in contact with her at this point), plus every relative, friend and stranger that she came across that I was a) mentally ill and that there had always been something wrong with me, b) had made everything in the letter up and/or had actually done those things myself, c) was ungrateful, childish, selfish and 'everybody else ' thought so too, and d) has no idea why I'm not speaking to her. She pretty much cycles through these and will still at time call up my BF and ask when I'm coming over to see her.  :stars: I've also found out that before I went NC with her, she would regularly call up relatives and say awful things about me; my cousin, whom I'm very fond of, recently told me 'she really crosses the line when she said you were a bitch'. (This was while I was helping her move - 3 times! - getting her groceries and picking up her medications. And handling my dad's estate - he died a year and a half ago. So I get it.

I'm sure right now your brain is in overdrive trying to make sense of everything that's going on. It is hard to believe in what's real when you're being told that your feelings, memories, etc. are all false. Something that has helped me enormously are Les Carter's videos. He has a new one that is exceptionally good about invalidation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsE_rwL03rE One line that stuck with me as profound (paraphrasing here) is that:

the narcissist's core is built around a false self, and in order to believe the lies they tell themselves about themselves they also have to believe the lies they tell themselves about you.

I know this is a really tough, really stressful time to go through, but I can tell you that nine months down the road I'm feeling much better and seeing things much more clearly. I hope this helps. Big hug to you:

:bighug:

Hello to new people! Morocha, Doglady, Psuedonym - thank you all for posting and for your support!

Psuedonym, these people are just unhinged aren't they?? I'm sorry to hear of what you've been through with your mother, and I'm glad to hear that 9 months on you're feeling clearer. Thanks also for that link, I just hate invalidation, it just cuts to my soul (I wonder why ::)) so I will definitely check that video out. The excerpt you wrote is so true it's unreal.

There's been one more email since my NFather's last hostile one. He didn't reply to our existing chain and started a new email to me, which he chose to title "Response". Its an ironic choice of subject line: let me explain. In my original email I said I was taking 6 months time out and would be in touch in February. My brother is getting married in May, and NFather's "response" is that he will not be responding to my letter until after the wedding in May. The final line: I think it's fair to leave this and focus on Brother (verbatim).

Not the wedding. Not to take some time out and consider their response. No, to completely ignore my feelings and prioritise my brother over me. The laughable thing is it is my brother, so my Father has literally no involvement in this wedding: no speech to prepare, nothing to do with planning (it's all planned already!).

It is just a transparent power move to a) punish me for sending the letter in the first place, b) remind me how unimportant I am to him, and c) take back some control by lengthening the process. If he does want a relationship with me, he is really going to wrong way about it. At this stage, I really don't see it happening (and right no have no interest in it anyway).

The angry part of me is tempted to email him and say forget it, don't waste your time, we're done because you've already shown me who you are. The other half of me wants to show him that I have patience, not give him the narcisstic supply, let him write his response over a careful 9 months and then when I receive his deluded, "poor-me", accusatory, guilt-inducing reply that completely invalidates me yet again, just reply to that and say we're done. The outcome is exactly the same: I really just do not see how we can have a relationship because he'll likely never change and I refuse to have a relationship with him like this. The only difference is I get to keep him stewing for 9 months thinking that once he's responded to my letter I'll fall over myself forgiving him, when in fact it's been dead in the water this whole time.

Sooooo - lots to discuss in therapy this week!

Any thoughts and analyses welcome! :yes:
TrueRefuge

They are really clever at stating things in a way that only we understand as being really disrespectful! I know it's hard to not respond- but don't. These people feed off this drama, and the worst thing you can do to them is not give them the satisfaction. Can you temporarily block them from your email and phone? You're not truly NC if you're still hearing from them. Your heart needs the peace of truly being free from the chaos in order to heal. Start focusing on things that bring you Joy and make you feel like who you truly are.  ;D

Hi TrueRefuge,

I agree with Morocha2015.  I would not waste any more time trying to communicate with your father.  IMHO, your father wants to be in control, so that's why he's hedging.  He wants to keep you on a string.  No way is he going to accept your "rules" or boundary that you need six months Time-Out.  He doesn't care about your feelings. 

My personal feelings on "truth letters" such as these are they are a waste of time.  I say this based on my own experiences.  But sometimes you have to speak your truth, even though it falls on deaf ears.  So the letter becomes more about you and not about trying to communicate your truth to those who won't hear it.  The letter becomes a way for you to say to yourself, I stood up for me.  And I don't care how they respond.  It doesn't matter. I will not be moved.

In other words, the letter represents your vocalization of how well-grounded you are in your own reality.  Their response is inconsequential.  You are saying to them that they won't be able to persuade to you come into their world, where there is never any compromise, only 100% compliance with how they think you should live your life. 

You've done the work.  Now it's time to take a deep breath and let the chips fall where they may.  You may find that even if you wait until after your brother's wedding to contact them, by that time there is no need, as there wasn't ever much to your relationship to begin with.  What I found in my relationship with my NM and GC brother (both of whom I went NC with) was that our "relationship" wasn't really a relationship at all.  It was all give on my part and take, take, take on theirs.  Not the kind of relationship I want with anyone, even if they are my FOO.  Take care!