Direct Questions

[Lauren17]

UBPDh is starting to use an old technique for picking fights. He'll decide to do something that he knows I don't like, and will ask my "permission."  No isn't an acceptable answer, as that causes a fight since I'm so mean and controlling. Yes condones the behavior.
An example is him going to poker night on our family game night. He's agreed to family game night, but has missed it for poker in the past. I've explained before that it frustrates all of us when he does this. A few months go by and then the day of game night, he'll text "Is it ok if I go to poker tonight?"
This time I responded that it wasn't my decision to make. He then asked if I minded.
Any suggestions how I can respond in the next time without answering, JADEing or providing supply?

[notrightinthehead]

How about: "You are a grown man, you choose your priorities." And if he pushes again: "Asked and answered." repeat. And if he picks a fight, reproaches you of being controlling or angry: " I am sorry you feel that way." And as a brilliant member on this forum used to write "No." is a full sentence. You can use it frequently.

On the other side, I wonder, why can't you express your discontent in his behaviour? You clearly want him to be there. Why can't you say, No, I want you to come, and live with his disgruntlement? You know that whatever he will say, will be unreasonable and exaggerated. His frustration will talk. You can steel yourself against being affected. But he might do what you want. You have a choice!

[clara]

Later in my marriage, but before I stopped responding to questions like these from my uNPDex (because by then I'd given up and was over him and the marriage), I would just say, "I wish you wouldn't, but do what you think best" and leave it at that.  Put the responsibility for his behavior back on him.  What would get me is sometimes he'd start these so-called "discussions" with no intention of following-through on what he was wanting.  He just wanted to get a response out of me and watch me get worked up over nothing.  I knew it was a phony request because he'd drop the subject too quickly, and if I'd say, "I thought you were..." he'd just say, "Nah," and leave it at that.  He expected me to accept his response with no further discussion.

[Lauren17]

I have expressed my discontent. This topic was discussed a couple years ago when I clearly and politely stated my concerns and preferences. He knows that. This is pushing boundaries. As Clara says, he's trying to get a response.
It's not that I want him there, it's that I don't want to play the game anymore.
Last night, since I didn't explicitly say yes or no, he came home. Stood in the kitchen and asked if I was ok. This is his latest response to MC.
"Yes, I'm fine"
Then he locked himself in his room and waited until everyone else was done eating to have his dinner, so the kids didn't get to spend time with him anyhow.  And he left the dirty dishes all over the kitchen. (Standard revenge tactic.)
I really like "You do what you think is best". And "asked and answered"

[GettingOOTF]

I'd just say something like my cites haven't changed, but you are free to make your own choices.

Ultimately it's his kids who he's punishing and speaking as someone who grew up with a father who made it clear he didn't want to spend time with us as a family I'd say they are probably better off spending the time with you who actually wants to be there. They know his his feelings.

[GettingOOTF]

And why can't he ask his poker buddies to change poker night?

This is what gets me. He could could easily do that but he won't. It's not about poker or game night. It's about controlling his family. He wouldn't try that with his poker buddies

[Lauren17]

Ultimately it's his kids who he's punishing and speaking as someone who grew up with a father who made it clear he didn't want to spend time with us as a family I'd say they are probably better off spending the time with you who actually wants to be there. They know his his feelings.

This is so accurate.
When this issue first came up a couple of years ago, I was trying to encourage H to spend more time with his kids. Often less.
I've stopped fighting that fight, but now he's trying to manipulate me in to condoning his avoidance.
With quarantine, he spends about 15 minutes a day with the kids.  Since I'm working from home, I'm spending even more time with my kids. I've learned how much they do understand about his behaviors. They've both said they prefer to not have him at home.
I'm sad for all of us. But working to accept that I can't fix it.