They are grateful.

[Love]

I would love to know what people think, please.  My Dh has recently answered the phone if PDmil or fil call.  They have said "sort of" the right stuff. 

For example they "now know how blessed they are",  "they miss him so very much (and our children)", "they pray to restore their family", and "they are willing to call me "if it helps". 

NO - sorry, no work of reconciliation, just blanket gratefulness for all things, my mil said she went to a spiritual counselor. 

This all really scared me.  My Dh is Out of the FOG but it is difficult and sometimes he doesn't want to over-analyze his parent's words.

What is all this?  The inlaws always kind of say "some" stuff that is right but in my mind never all of what is needed to reconcile, in my mind it also makes me angrier.   

[SweetTea]

It sounds to me like hoovering attempts. It only sounds sort of right because they are not sincere and are only saying what they think they should say to get full access to their supply (which is your FOC), IMO.

[Leonor]

 

Get out the carpet cleaner, dear, it's Hoover Time!

[bloomie]

Love - maybe your DH doesn't want to overanalyze his parent's words because he recognizes they are just that. Words. Nebulous, non specific platitudes that sound good to them and potentially make them look good that could FOG the atmosphere just enough to get them back in the door. Thankfully you and your DH are Out of the FOG.

The biggest indicator I know of sincerity and true contrition is to observe what someone chooses to say and do consistently over time. Especially when they are experiencing the natural consequences of their toxic behaviors. Your in laws have shown you who they are and you have responded accordingly.

Interesting the anger response you feel... I love the work of Karla McLaren around emotions and here is an excerpt regarding anger as the 'honorable sentry' that seems to be a perfect fit for your response to these emails:

ANGER: The Honorable Sentry

GIFTS: Honor ~ Conviction ~ Self-awareness ~ Healthy self esteem ~ Proper boundaries ~ Healthy detachment ~ Protection of yourself and others

ACTION REQUIRED: Anger arises to address challenges to what you value: your standpoint, your position, your interpersonal boundaries, or your self image. Your task is to restore these things without violating the boundaries of others. Your anger will also step in when others are being challenged or devalued, and your task is to address the offense and restore the boundaries of all parties. This is the sacred practice for anger, which I very intentionally call The Honorable Sentry.

THE INTERNAL QUESTIONS: What do I value? What must be protected and restored?

https://karlamclaren.com/understanding-and-befriending-anger/

[Phoenix Rising]

I agree with everyone else that you are being hoovered. I am not sure about DH's response... perhaps it is some kind of defense mechanism or avoidance? Not necessarily in a negative way but to protect himself from the BS. Sadly, the whole "I'm going to a spiritual counsellor" kind of reminded me of an abuser who claims to go to anger management before actually going/completing the program in an effort to keep/control the abused person around. 

I can understand why you feel the way you do. It seems like they want something out of you both and will say almost anything EXCEPT a true heartfelt/accountable statement that acknowledges THEIR behaviour and how it's impacted YOU/FAMILY. I think this is a really important aspect to remember as they will most likely continue to say and try all sorts of things to get what they want. Stay strong

[Leonor]

Yes, I think the tip-off in these "apologies" is: "I feel bad so I want *you* to do something."

Example: "We miss you and would love to talk things over."
Meaning: "I feel bored so I want you to call me."

Example: "We just want to be there for our grandchildren."
Meaning: "We feel bored so we want you to drive your children over and entertain us."

Example: "We know we're not perfect but we do love you."
Meaning: "We are aware that we are abusive and want you to allow us to continue to do so."

Your anger is your honest response to their real message. Anger is an honest response to a reality. Guilt (is this really such a big deal? What if they mean it this time? Am I horrible?) is a trained behavior determined by social norms.

Salute your honorable sentry!

[Hopeful Spine]

This all really scared me.  My Dh is Out of the FOG but it is difficult and sometimes he doesn't want to over-analyze his parent's words.

It seems that I have a different sort of situation than you but I wanted to share something I learned recently.  My husband deals with siblings that ban together and sort of exclude him.  It's been very hurtful over the years and it. Burns. ME. UP.  I have a lot of forgiveness and letting go to do.

Anyway, every once in a while DH will read to me, some of their texts or social media posts.  And it Burns. ME. UP.    We usually vent a little about whatever topic is at hand.  Then rehash old wounds.  DH and I are on the same page on how we feel - however, we spend FAR too much time discussing it and then I end up comforting him.  Then he says, "Whatever, I don't care what they do/say." 

One day when I was comforting him he said, "By the way, I'm totally serious when I say I don't care.  I'm really only sharing this with you so that you realize what is still going on and then you know why I don't "try" with them anymore."

And I realized that OUR issues with his family are sort of MY issue.  My husband has come a long way in his personal development and sometimes I'm terrified that he will relapse.  I want all of us to be "happy family" so I encourage him to be the bigger person.  To maybe reach out with a birthday text to a brother or swing by his sisters house to say hi.  I keep thinking that this will soften their hearts, bridge the gap and everything will be "okay".  They will start to like us and it will feel good. 

In reality what I'm doing is encouraging him to accept their crappy treatment and to invite more of it into our life.  The exact opposite of what need need.

While I do believe that my husband still hurts I'm starting to believe him.  I think he's accepted his family for how they are and is acting accordingly.  Meaning he keeps in contact and makes appearances when family duty dictates and draws himself closer to those in his family who are consistently appropriate.

So when your husband doesn't want to over-analyze the words - maybe he's accepting their efforts without any real investment into them.  Maybe it's enough to him that they are "trying" and he's want to appreciate that without admitting that he knows it's an act.

You know your husband best.  I now know that when my husband shares certain things with me - it's just information that he's sharing - not information that he needs to discuss at any length.  I need to have faith that he's dealing with his family the best way he has learned how.  Best wishes to you.  None of this is easy!

[all4peace]

I could have typed hopeful spines post, verbatim. Sometimes it's FOG, and sometimes our mates are genuinely past it all.