Did I do something wrong

[scapegoatnumerouno]

Im going to try to keep this short. 

Last week my kids (12 and13) spent the week up at my mothers.  I am no contact with her and all of my siblings.  My one rule while they are there is that they do not spend time with my VERY NARC sister alone or at her house.

One day my son asked if they could go there (she has two sons around the age of my kids who they love to play with)  I advised my son that no they couldnt and if I found out that they did they wouldnt be going to stay with grandma any more.  Note, I do not say that my kids cant be around this sister.  She is glued to my mothers hip, believe me they see her a lot.  I also advised my son that this sister has a lot of men coming and going from her home, it is not safe for my kids.  My kids are aware that this sister isnt right.  They have even informed me of some crappy things she has done throughout the years and expressed not being comfortable with her sometimes.

All of this was said in text messages.  Yesterday I got a long nasty text from my sister.  Just out of the blue.  Just telling me how EVERYONE is so happy I left the family and that she knows that my kids will never love her like an auntie because of my "nasty mouth and threats".  This morning I woke up and knew exactly what caused her latest nasty text to me....she had read my sons phone and saw the messages.  Believe me, if anyone is an expert at snooping it is this person!  It is more than clear to me now that she dug through his phone.  There is nothing surprising about this but why do I feel guilt for saying anything in text to my son?  I dont feel guilt that I may have hurt her, I just feel like me talking in a text to my son was wrong.  Why do I feel like this?  I feel just yucky about the WHOLE situation....like I was kind of pulled back into that grossness.  I did not respond to her text.  Made the mistake of sending it to another sibling just to realize that really....no one cares... 

Did I do something wrong?  Even something a little bit wrong?  Such a confusing and gross situation.  I have been nc with my entire FOO for two years now. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

If anything, it's this:

Last week my kids (12 and13) spent the week up at my mothers.

You are the gatekeeper and protector of your children. I am a big believer in "too toxic for me, too toxic for my kids." If you are not there, you can't protect them from whatever abusive and dysfunctional antics go on. I get that it's painful for children to lose relationships. But I've come to strongly believe it's a necessary collateral damage to protect them from abuse. Perhaps when they and the cousins are all adults they can form their own relationship. But under the thumb of an aunt who treats their mother like that? So poorly that you can't even stomach being around her in any circumstances? You're trusting your mother (so abusive you had to go NC with her) to protect your children from another (presumably worse?) abuser. I can't see that working.

I think that's the source of the problem. You're expecting boundaries to work to protect your children when they couldn't work to protect you with these same people. You seem more concerned about your sister's reaction and how you could have prevented it. If NC is your choice, I think it needs to be owned for you and yours. If you are NC, be NC. You don't see or know or react to anything from her as far as possible. I'm glad you see it was a mistake to send sis's text to another sibling. (With whom you also say you are NC?) If you don't truly want NC, you can't expect kids to be safe with more exposure than you're willing to endure for their sake.

One woman's opinion. I'm sorry it is very blunt.

[scapegoatnumerouno]

Call Me Cordelia

Two things you say are very very true.....

1.  If Im not even safe (as an adult) around these people, why would I put my kids there?  I have actually said this very thing to my husband.....sigh......  If I had had any idea that things would go even close to this way I would have kept my kids far away from this group at the start of their lives.  I just didnt see any of it all those years. 

2.  Yes, if I am truly no contact with all of them, why did I forward the text message to anyone of them?  I know why, to show my brother just how disgusting the things she does are.  Did that work....nooooo.  Its like I am in a very different world than they are.  I cant change them or the way that they think or that things that they do.  I felt pulled back in a bit with this text from the sister.  But I believe that I woulnt have felt this if I hadnt contacted my brother with it.  Does any of it matter?  No. 

Thank you for your bluntness.  I know that you are very correct, and I have the gross feelings from this to remind me that this just isnt any form of a comfortable situation for me.  Thank you. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hey I'm glad it was helpful! You are going to rock those boundaries. 

I feel the same sometimes about wishing I had known then what I know now... Then I wouldn't have my kids crying over their lack of grandparents, we'd all be healthier, blah blah blah. Well you know what they say about spilled milk...

Of course we had no idea what we were really up against! It's a lifetime of conditioning at work, and it's by some miracle of God's grace in my opinion that we've been able to see the reality at all. So of course we're not going to get it perfectly. I'm giving myself a pep talk here too since I have tended to beat myself up over mistakes. We're learning and growing and healing through every day and every experience. Lucky us.

It is tough with kids. I've had to eat crow with my older ones and apologize. I didn't see how we were being hurt by the grandparents for a long time. I believed I had to make them happy no matter what, but really that's not my job. My job is to look out for my kids no matter what. I think they trust me even though they are sad and sometimes angry about not having extended family around them. I believe your kids will trust you too.