medium chill - did I do this right?

[WomanInterrupted]

How you handle it is to say, when you are told *actual information* BY  your father, "I'm sorry to hear it, dad."

What you say from there is up to you - do you want details?  The prognosis? 

Other than that, *stay out of it.*  Your parents can manage their own care - and if they can't, they can hire *aides* or the doctor can send the Visiting Nurse to their house.   

*NONE* of this is  your problem.   

I say this because your mother is probably going to be an absolute nightmare, because the attention *isn't on her.*  She'll feel snubbed, slighted, and probably start having her own "health issues" in an attempt to upstage your father and put the focus back on her. 

Since *she* will be the one at home, providing care, she'll probably become completely unbearable, screaming how OVERWHELMED she is, and she needs YOU to take her place, because it's just so HARD for her to sit on her butt and do absolutely nothing but *stew* that your *father needs  help.* 

Push it back to  her/their side of the plate - call the doctor and ask him to send the Visiting Nurse.  Call the doctor and ask them which company they recommend when it comes to hiring home health care.   

She'll probably snarl that she doesn't want to "bother" them - calmly say, "That's what they get paid to do.  You're not bothering them." 

She just won't want anybody but YOU to take care of your dad (and her, of course, even though she doesn't need it) because if it's you, they won't have to BEHAVE and can let their freak flags fly. 

No matter how much you're begged, cajoled, pleaded, or *ordered* to help, it is NOT YOUR JOB.  A firm, "I can't do that.  This is not a discussion." is in order. 

[illogical]

As a note, the mods may lock this thread because 5 pages is the limit.  So in case they do, please start another one to address your concerns.

IMHO, you have to decide what level of contact you want with your parents.  It doesn't seem you have decided that.  Maybe you have-- if so, that's great. 

As you have posted, the "medical emergency" was expected.  Many of us predicted this would be the case.

As WI has posted in the past, the only thing you can do in a medical emergency or even medical "situation" is lend emotional support.  I am assuming you are not a doctor or nurse or medical personnel.  Therefore, the only thing you can do is engage (call or visit) and offer your empathy/sympathy or aid in some way. 

I would ask you, "What do you want?"  Do you want to be involved in your parents' medical care?  Do you want to be their caregiver, POA or otherwise?  Do you want to know about medical "situations" or emergencies so you can lend a sympathetic ear?

Only you can answer that question.  Your mother and father are enmeshed in a dysfunctional relationship.  They aren't likely to change.  In fact, the probability of them changing is next to nil.  So given the parameters, do you want to get "involved" with them via being informed and pressured to act in medical situations? 

The reason the decision of level of contact is important is that it will "drive" decisions on engaging with your parents.  And the decision on level of contact, btw, doesn't have to be a permanent one.  You can vacillate between VLC and NC and VVLC as you see fit.

For example, let's say you've decided to go VLC.  Then you would set about constructing a list of parameters-- things you were willing to do and not do.  A hypothetical--

I'm not willing to visit them except on major holidays.
I'm not willing to call them except every couple of months.
I will go to the hospital if it's an emergency.
I won't go to the hospital, even if it's an emergency.
I will only contact them via email and not phone.

Anyway, you get the picture.  You decide your desired level of contact-- what you can reasonably handle at this point-- then set up your own "rules" for what you are willing to do and not do, then go from there.  I think a plan like this would help you when crisis strikes, as it inevitably will. 

[xredshoesx]

hey everyone-
this thread is being locked for length.  feel free to revist/ continue the topic in a new thread.