why my name is neverenoughmary

[Iamenoughmary]

Mom is in a nursing home. It was a relief to not have to run her to her many doctor appointments.  She seems addicted to getting steroid shots. Now she has the nursing home running her.  My husband and I have been taking her out to eat or to buy her things she needs.  My children visit her and buy her things, even tho shes ignored them most of her life.  I feel my issues of feeling not worthy, not good enough come from her. I decided once she got in that nursing home to just do the best I could and be as kind as I could. My husband has been a great help with her.  She uses a walker and Insists on going around the department store on her own. It worried me but husband said if she falls its not my fault.  I was able to deal with it once or twice a month. 

Now heres what has me upset. She has a tablet that she ask for for Christmas. We got it for her.  Her go to always was face book to vent about poor old her or post quotes about children would be sorry when parents were gone

Shes back at it....here is a quote from a  game thing she goes on..  It tells what her name means and such Quote below

"people like (insert her name) will touch your life. She faces many battles alone, doing everything she can to make sure others don't suffer the same like she does.  Shes not a sweet talker and her brutal honesty often confuses people, but shes the most loyal friend anyone could have.  Smart, stubborn, and independent, always sincere, she's the person worth fighting for. But never take advantage of her kindness, because once her trust is broken, she will leave!  She is like the sun, absolutely capable of shining alone! "

well let's see...hummm...not a loyal friend, she will stab you in the back quickly,  is certainly not fighting her battles alone (what the h*** have we been doing for months and months by helping)   She does not make sure others don't suffer, to busy thinking of herself.  The truths in that are, yes...shes brutally honest and has hurt many.  Shes stubborn, but not sincere.  Wow, take advantage of her kindness    Oh she can act kind but beware if you cross her!  Shes like the sun and can shine alone Really!

Wonder how she'd like to shine alone now?  My brother, my husband, myself, my kids....all have worked hard to make sure shes taken care of. When I saw that I thought 'how can anyone do that' but shes done it for years, just hasnt in the last 8 months since her fall and went into the nursing home. .  My family say "that's just her"  I get no understanding from them.  Nope, not to me, that's just rude.  Anything I do from now on will not be because I want to.

I had reached a place of forgiveness and felt good about helping her.  I really had made giant steps.   She always did this to me. Others just say ignore. Nope not when I make and take time out just to help her.  She saw that and thought "i'll show them, and truly believes that is who she is

I had to vent. Thank you for listening. If I'm wrong tell me I am.  My personality just cannot understand her. My name is never enough mary because of her

[Srcyu]

Might I suggest changing your name to Morethanenoughmary or even Quiteenoughmary?
Your mother has an imagine to keep to online. One where she is some sort of saint.

Real life doesn't bother her too much. She is far more invested in her tablet persona. One where she can glow like the sun or whatever.

You're the real star ofcourse. But she is not capable of acknowledging that.



milly

[NarcKiddo]

 

Goodenoughmary, even.

Hugs. They are so irksome.

[moglow]

Let's back up a bit - you know none of that is about you, right? With those games you can easily cycle through and pick the one you want. I know it's just an example really but still. She's just being who she is: Self involved, inconsiderate, unappreciative etc. She's putting that out there with the hopes she'll get pats on the back and more poor poor you. 


I'm all about building ourselves up and very much against tearing ourselves down. What she puts out there is not your stuff and has not one thing to do with you. I suspect she's a lot like several others around here and doesn't even have a clue who you are, mother she may be. She implanted her expectations and that's where she sits, all evidence to the contrary. That doesn't mean you have to.


YOU get to decide who you are. You don't have to accept her limitations or stagnate to her tune.

[bloomie]

Mary - do not fall for this covertly aggressive shaming and manipulation. Do not take upon yourself a single whiff of the distortions your mother lives in and fabricates about herself on SM. It is as grandiose as one can get to publicly share this kind of self assessment. There is no one and nothing that can penetrate this level of self denial.

Your mother sounds like she is not appreciative of the love, time, support, devotion you and your family are offering her and that is on her. What I see here is a colossal lack of gratitude and heart of appreciation on your mother's part. How sad for an elder to have lived some significant years and still be this self obsessed and careless with the generosity and lovingkindness of your family.

When others say ignore... I suggest choose to step away from these triggering behaviors and choose what works for you in terms of how much you engage with your mom. You have made sure her every need is met and she is well cared for. Anything beyond that is absolutely up to you.

It is also possible to adjust your SM settings to not see her posts. Choosing peace instead of the confusion and pain this kind of thing understandably throws you into is available to you. Working through how you identify yourself for yourself will come and that name will change, I just feel certain of it.

You are a loving, forgiving, caring person. Your family sees the beauty of the kindness you have shown a woman who cannot be satisfied and possibly carries around an imaginary bucket of need and expectations that is never filled.

When we offer the best of ourselves to someone and they trample those offerings under their feet we take a fresh look at how we are expending our time and energy. We realign our priorities.  Because we are committed to healing, health and coming Out of the FOG.

[Iamenoughmary]

windmill,   You are so right . She thinks shes a saint.  The image must continue, even at 87 and in a nursing home.  She has never acknowledged me. She can glow like the sun,  Wow, such admiration for herself.  I really should change my name. 

moglow,  I do try to understand it's not about me. Shes doing it to all of us.  I'm calming down now. I just had to write it out. I know all of you listen and care.  She does want the attention. it's always been so.  I guess I get more angry than hurt. 

narcKiddo, Irksome FOR SURE!!

bloomie,  grandiose, a great word for her.   She never appreciates anything.  She complains about things I take to her.  I do see I must not let her trigger me. I use FB to message her. I cannot stand to be on the phone with her. She doesn't have a cell phone to text, so I use messenger  I think I can snooze her for so many days. I will do it!

Thank you each for the kind words.  Like I said I had been doing so well and was probably doing to much for her. We all have our limits!  I know she treats those nurses bad too.   

I think I will change my name. There's no need to lessen myself.  You made me see I am good enough  

[Srcyu]

I will be looking out for that name change!



milly

[notrightinthehead]

And one day, Goodenoughmary, you will just be mildly surprised how delusional and out of touch with reality her self image is. You will raise one eyebrow, shake your head, and turn your attention to more interesting topics.

[Iamenoughmary]

notrightinthehead,  Yes so delusional!  So out of touch with others feelings.   I hope I will raise that eyebrow and move on to other things. I am working at it. 

I don't want to go to the nursing home. and I'm not going as often.   She had been better and not so nasty, but they never truly change,

I'm limiting to once a month. I have a life and with Spring very close, I plan to enjoy it!  I guess we do always have hope they may change but then I'd be delusional

[Srcyu]

lamenoughmary

You've changed your name ......

[moglow]

One day we'll have Morethanenoughmary 

[NarcKiddo]

Mary! You did it!

[treesgrowslowly]

One day we'll have Morethanenoughmary 

Hello Iamenoughmary,

She's very passive aggressive. A person who posts on facebook because that is how she gets to point out how wrong we are and how right she is? Those are the behaviours of a 12 year old (if that).

The work of being an adult when our parents were not grown up is hard work. You are enough.

Trees

[goodenoughmary]

I couldn't get on with iamenoughmary, or that password. I am now goodenoughmary. New account still me.  Not sure why but it said incorrect password. 

Happy Day to all HUGS