They can dish it out but can not take the return

[InTheDragonsDen]

My spouse has been shooting out the hurtful quips and sarcasm  which she thinks are too clever for me to notice.
For the first time, I am replying in a firm way which shows she is not pushing me down. Standing my ground on being abused verbally.
My npd spouse is confused, showing her insecurity and not hiding her anger.
They NEED to put us down because they are unable and unwilling to pull themselves up.

As always she views me as the problem.

[rockandhardplace]

I highly recommend the "It's all your fault" podcast by Bill Eddy and Megan from high conflict institute. I'm working my way through the shows but listening to the latest episode was so helpful. The try to explain the difference between mental illnesses and personality disorders and a major difference is that PD's are interpersonal / relational disorders. This helps to explain how they can function pretty well in so many areas of their lives but destroy their inner circle. They call high conflict people "blamers" and suggest not all people with PD's are high conflict and vice versa but many are. So they often have a target of blame, it's always our fault. I still don't understand how they only apply this thinking to small circle of people but maybe that's because we all have a slightly different way of interacting with our partners and families and that is how they generally avoid the blaming and abusive behaviours with other people? i also think a lot about the book controlling people and how some abusers kind of feel merged with their partner so abusing them is like trying to change things they don't like about themselves and can't handle any personal criticism so when things aren't working out or they feel bad about anything they assume it must all be our fault? But also I think there's such a desperate need to win at all costs and be better than everyone that they have to put us down to make themselves feel superior cus if they aren't superior they are losers.

[InTheDragonsDen]

Hi RaHP, they must win at all costs. Thanks for the heads up on the podcast.
Often picture my spouse as a 3-4 year old and suddenly, it makes all sense. Adult body. Maturity of a 3-4 year old.