Getting sucked back in

[Morocha2015]

I've been NC for a little over a year but my parents figured out how to get around my number blocker and can leave voicemails. Last night my HPDM left a message but I saw it was from her so I deleted it. A few minutes later I got one from my ASPD dad so I asked DH to listen to it. Dad says M's brother died of COVID19 and M is working out of state, and tells me I need to call her.

What angers me is this has always been his response to everything. Whenever M is upset, he sends me to go take care of her. There's no regard for how much I've been hurt, and no understanding of the fact that I shouldn't have to parent my parents. He mentioned that my uncle's wife "didn't even bother to tell them he died." I've heard this "didn't even bother to tell me" my whole life. They just can't connect the dots that no one wants to talk to them. What makes me the most angry is the gut response I have is that I have to call and take care of her. It's such a weird, strong impulse. I wonder what state she's working in, I really hope it's not where I live! I'll just keep wracking up the "terrible daughter" points while they refuse to look at their own behavior.

Thanks for reading, it's helpful to vent these frustrations. I hope you all are staying safe!

[Starboard Song]

You had a poignant line for me. We went NC due to a crisis that began with us "not even bothering to tell them" something. And it was another family member withholding the information while they prayed about a major decision.

I realize now how many times we heard a version of "not even bothering to tell," and how often they were right. People avoided topics and issues with them because of their style.

Congratulations on seeing and naming a pattern. And thank you, because you helped me. Now you have to get busy reprogramming yourself, so you no longer take ownership of issues that are not rightfully yours. It isn't easy.  We are all on your side.

Stay safe.

[Morocha2015]

I'm so glad we can help each other out! Glad you got something from my post, and it's very relieving for me to know someone else has had a similar experience! Thanks for the reminder about "reprogramming." It's amazing how deep abuse can go.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

What resonates here is the statement "not taking ownership of issues that are not rightfully yours". Let's remember that one. I too have a gut response that I have to take care of things when I sense something going wrong for the PD's in my family. It is a strong inner pull. I grew up with my mom getting upset about something, then dad telling me I better do XXX to make things right. When she's not happy life is not good and hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, etc.
I believe these feelings are from years, mostly decades, of behavioral patterns and expectations set before we were too young to even realize it. Now we can see it for what it is and choose new actions to the triggers that serve us, not them.