Grandmother in the hospital

[lotusblume]

Hi everyone,

I have recently gone NC again with my parents, VvvvvvvLC with the rest of FOO. I haven't spoken to my grandmother in a while. I have posted here before about the situation, but she is toxic to say the least, and I have distanced myself enormously from her.

My whole FOO is going wild with anxiety and enmeshment and hoovering me in this time. I spoke with my uncle about her medical situation, but remained pretty objective and emotionally detached... Until I listened to some voicemails from my parents about it. That, along with my uncle using the guilt trip (if you want to call her, I'm sure she would be happy). My uncle has however been the only person not to become a flying monkey otherwise, never said anything about my parents and I to me, and has remained neutral. I think he may even related because he is what I could have been if I did not come Out of the FOG. Living for his mother, shackled by guilt, unable to find the courage to escape so far.

That being said, I have been wrestling with the idea of calling her. I know she is going to FOG me, and I know part of my reason to call would be to absolve myself from guilt. I also wonder if it's just the right thing to do, and that maybe I should just go in there grey rocking for a couple of mins, if maybe it could make her happy. And I know, this is not a good thing! I see it would be me giving into FOG, doing it for her emotions, emotional care taking and all of that...

But part of it, which is hard for me to tell, maybe something I would like to do for myself. I am afraid it would all just be to absolve myself from guilt and I would feel relieved in the instant but crappy later.

I am digging to see if morally it aligns with my values, or if it is just recycled poison from my upbringing working it's subconscious voodoo.

Any thoughts or similar experiences are definitely welcome. Thanks for listening.

[SunnyMeadow]

or if it is just recycled poison from my upbringing working it's subconscious voodoo.   

I think this is very astute of you. I could see myself responding to subconscious upbringing voodoo. It's that ingrained "oh no, so and so is in the HOSPITAL"      I saw so much of that growing up that it spurs me into action even though I don't actually care about the person because they've harmed me and caused so much drama.

If you can remove all the extended family noise and think about you having some sort of contact with your grandma. Is that really beneficial to you, not her? Will seeing her cause you any harm? Is this purely guilt about it being GRANDMA, was she the grandma that makes you care deeply about her?

I think there could be some benefit to a phone call or short visit when no one else is there. If it alleviates some ingrained guilt in you, I think I'd do it. But that's just me, I live with guilt that's not mine to own. I'm trying to break free from it but it's hard to do.

First and foremost, do what's going to be of the biggest benefit to you. If she FOG's you, say what you want to say and cut the visit short. Please update when you can. I always learn from people's experiences here. I can see that I'll be facing this sort of thing in the near future.

[lotusblume]

or if it is just recycled poison from my upbringing working it's subconscious voodoo.   

I think this is very astute of you. I could see myself responding to subconscious upbringing voodoo. It's that ingrained "oh no, so and so is in the HOSPITAL"      I saw so much of that growing up that it spurs me into action even though I don't actually care about the person because they've harmed me and caused so much drama.

If you can remove all the extended family noise and think about you having some sort of contact with your grandma. Is that really beneficial to you, not her? Will seeing her cause you any harm? Is this purely guilt about it being GRANDMA, was she the grandma that makes you care deeply about her?

I think there could be some benefit to a phone call or short visit when no one else is there. If it alleviates some ingrained guilt in you, I think I'd do it. But that's just me, I live with guilt that's not mine to own. I'm trying to break free from it but it's hard to do.

First and foremost, do what's going to be of the biggest benefit to you. If she FOG's you, say what you want to say and cut the visit short. Please update when you can. I always learn from people's experiences here. I can see that I'll be facing this sort of thing in the near future.

Hi SunnyMeadow,

Thanks for your reply, I appreciate your thoughts and support. I wanted to respond to you since you said it could be helpful to you as well.

I have decided not to call her. What you talked about in the first paragraph is spot on. The crazy enmeshment and call to action. Truth be told, although they are observing my grandmother in the hospital last time I checked, there was nothing that was imminently life threatening. I kind of suspected that she was in there initially for attention, sad to say, and may or may not be true. But even if that's not why she first landed there, you bet she will be benefitting from that attention profoundly. She always talks about herself and her health issues, her doctors appts, etc. And I know I shouldn't think about it, but me not running over there or even calling is probably a massive source of gossip and playing the victim card, for more than one person in the FOO.

It was the guilt that was pulling me in. I disagree with you there, about doing something to absolve myself of (false) guilt. I spent my whole life doing that, and it never worked out for me or anyone else. I used to do things that would make me feel like a "good person", good daughter, deep down still yearning for that good old love and approval to give me some outwardly sourced (fake) self esteem. Now I purposely try to fight against that, because absolving myself of false guilt by trying to people please and caretake are enabling and codependent actions that I am trying to shed myself from. Even if sometimes it seems like the hard road before making that decision, once I drop the rope, it is surprisingly easy. That is when I feel good, respecting myself, taking care of myself, making the right decision for me.

When it gets to the point where she may be dying soon, whether that is in 5 days or 5 years, I will have to evaluate from there what feels best.

For right now, it feels like self love. Its also love for her. I'm letting her be who she is and I'm not going to let her pretend everything is okay and proceed to FOG me and drag me back in. I give her space to take responsibility for herself, maybe even think about things and find some clarity and peace... Who knows. It would be a blessing. But it's still not my responsibility nor in my control. I can still pray for her, and I have.

I'm acting out of self-protection and love, and just making this difficult decision feels right to me, and feels like a great step in the right direction.

Wishing you the best,
Lotus

[SunnyMeadow]

It was the guilt that was pulling me in. I disagree with you there, about doing something to absolve myself of (false) guilt. I spent my whole life doing that, and it never worked out for me or anyone else. I used to do things that would make me feel like a "good person", good daughter, deep down still yearning for that good old love and approval to give me some outwardly sourced (fake) self esteem. Now I purposely try to fight against that, because absolving myself of false guilt by trying to people please and caretake are enabling and codependent actions that I am trying to shed myself from. Even if sometimes it seems like the hard road before making that decision, once I drop the rope, it is surprisingly easy. That is when I feel good, respecting myself, taking care of myself, making the right decision for me.

Thank you Lotus, this is exactly what I mean by learning from other people here. I like how you're choosing to handle this event with your grandma. I have a lot to absorb from your paragraph above. I am deeply codependent and an enabler. Receiving love, approval and feeling like a good person rank high on my internal list of good girl behaviors. False guilt is a new-to-me phrase but wow--does it ever apply!

As far as self love and letting your grandma be who she is and not pretending, I'm impressed and hope to get to this point in myself. Getting to the point of realizing that their actions aren't our responsibility or in our control is such a new concept. I've been feeling it more and more but it's something I need to work on daily.