How to handle mom's hallucinations

[Sneezy]

I went to my mom's last checkup with her, as I have been concerned about some of her stories regarding seeing mice in her apartment.  After I expressed my concerns, my mom indignantly told her doctor that she was indeed seeing mice, and she told the doctor a crazy story about a mouse that clearly wasn't true.  At this point, Mom's doctor told her that he wants her to see a neurologist, as her hallucinations could be a sign of Parkinson's and/or dementia.  Unfortunately, it may be a couple months before mom actually gets in to see a neurologist.  In the meantime, she has now shifted to spiders.  She claims to see spiders in her bed and in her carpet.  I feel really bad for her, it must be terrible to go through this.  But at the same time, she is so mean and awful about it.  She acts like it's somehow my fault, and when I try to calm her down she says I am accusing her of lying.  She is very angry and crying all the time.  She is in full-on misery mode on steroids, with no thoughts about anyone other than herself.  I am having a hard time staying patient and not JADEing. 

I'm not a doctor and I have no way of knowing what exactly is going on.  My best guess is that mom is seeing things out of the corner of her eye that she thinks are mice or spiders.  That part is probably a true hallucination and there may be something neurological going on.  But then her covert NPD takes over and it becomes a full-blown three-alarm "help me, I'm overrun by mice" catastrophe that she expects me to solve.  And, weirdly, she often claims that if I would just come over and take her out shopping, it would make everything better.  So, yeah, I feel sorry for her, but I also feel like I'm being played.

Any suggestions???

[FromTheSwamp]

When my mom started having bizarre delusions the assisted living medical staff put her on antipsychotics and something sedating.  I'm not sure it helped.  It was a miserable time. 

[wisingup]

Hi Sneezy - I just wanted to offer some support.  My mom has a history of delusions as well. Most recently, she believed there was a bird in her apartment.  She gave it a name & said she was leaving food out for it.  When I came by to pick up her bills, it turned out to be the smoke alarm needing new batteries!  She'd been living with that horrible high pitched squeak for a week.  There were other stories about people trying to get into her apartment and some of her neighbors "yelling" at her that I don't believe are true. 

She has had a history of urinary tract infections, which cause delusions.  They also cause her to forget to take her meds and to lose interest in eating and drinking.  Which causes dehydration, which causes urinary tract infections.  It's a self-feeding cycle.   My brother is reporting a fairly dramatic improvement in her mental state now that she is in assisted living, where she is supervised in taking her meds each am and pm, and 3 meals a day are prepared for her and are part of her new routine. 

Your mom's issue may be something totally different.  But I understand the frustration of having problems placed in your lap that you cannot solve.  And the additional frustration of being made responsible for the happiness of someone who cannot be made happy.  Your mom is not in her right mind at the moment, and you don't have the know-how to fix this.  Are you able to put it out of your own mind & pursue your own happiness when you're not with her?  I had a hard time doing that (FOG...) but your fretting won't help her and will hurt you.  HUGS!

[Cat of the Canals]

Oof. This sounds so frustrating, and I think it'd be hard for anyone to stay in "no JADE" mode in your situation.

I think like wisingup said, there's not so much you can do in terms of the hallucinations aside from seeing the neurologist, so it's mostly going to be more of the same old, same old boundary stuff. If she has a tendency to call every day, perhaps a new rule of "I only take mom's calls on even days of the month." Or if it's multiple times a day, "Mom gets ONE phone call a day."

[Sneezy]

Thanks all - I think at this point there is very little that I can do.  I have tried calling the neurologist to see if I could speed things along, and mom just got angry with me for interfering.  I think there's a good chance she will ultimately refuse to go.  Mom has a habit of canceling medical appointments if she doesn't want to deal with something.  She has had appointments set up for several different MRIs to see why she has so much pain in her back.  The last time I was all set to take her and she called me the night before to say that her insurance company had canceled the appointment (yeah, right).  Same with physical therapy.  Mom could really use some PT to help with her mobility.  But every time her doctor refers her to PT, mom makes up some story about how the insurance company won't approve it because she is "not in that much pain."  It seems that mom wants the drama associated with medical problems, but she doesn't really want to work on improving anything.  She is already balking at the neurology appointment, before it has even been set up, by saying that her symptoms aren't that bad.

Mom just wants non-stop attention.  She wants everyone to fuss over her, but she doesn't want to take any responsibility for her own health.  The more I think about yesterday, the more I realize she called me just to pick a fight.  She was feeling bad and those bad feelings had to go somewhere.  So she called me and started crying about spiders in her apartment and when I tried to say that everything was alright and she shouldn't worry so much, she launched into accusing me of calling her a liar.  When I tried to explain that I wasn't calling her a liar, I just wanted her to calm down and not get so upset, she cried even harder.  It was cathartic for her.  She got all her bad feelings out on me and most likely went on to have a pleasant day, leaving me to feel bad all day and then toss and turn all night.

DH thinks I should never answer mom's calls.  Let them go to voicemail and then call back a day or so later. That way, she will have time to get her bad feelings out somewhere else, before I talk to her.  That may be a good plan.

[moglow]

DH thinks I should never answer mom's calls.  Let them go to voicemail and then call back a day or so later. That way, she will have time to get her bad feelings out somewhere else, before I talk to her.  That may be a good plan.

He may have something there. IF it's an emergency she really needs to call emergency services then you, but no. She calls to gripe and whine. How are you to ever know what's an actual problem and what's a pigment of her imaginary? The boy who called wolf, ya know?

I kinda did that a while back, stopped responding to md's mindless half assed texts. Know what? She doesn't follow up with any further information. She throws it out there and it drops like a stone, she refuses to call me and I'm okay with that. I know and you know that I'm supposed to get all upset, call in a panic and press her for more, but I don't. Drama is dead in the water, barely a ripple.

[Fiasco]

DH thinks I should never answer mom's calls.  Let them go to voicemail and then call back a day or so later. That way, she will have time to get her bad feelings out somewhere else, before I talk to her.  That may be a good plan.

He may have something there. IF it's an emergency she really needs to call emergency services then you, but no. She calls to gripe and whine. How are you to ever know what's an actual problem and what's a pigment of her imaginary? The boy who called wolf, ya know?

I kinda did that a while back, stopped responding to md's mindless half assed texts. Know what? She doesn't follow up with any further information. She throws it out there and it drops like a stone, she refuses to call me and I'm okay with that. I know and you know that I'm supposed to get all upset, call in a panic and press her for more, but I don't. Drama is dead in the water, barely a ripple.

My life improved drastically when I realized she doesn't even remember leaving me crying screaming voicemails by the next day. I guess she's sundowning pretty bad but it means the best thing for me (ignoring it) is what's best for her. Why spin her up even more about something she won't even remember.

[Cat of the Canals]

I think your husband is onto something, Sneezy. I used to JUMP to answer my mother's phone calls. It took several years to undo the habit, but it's done wonders for my anxiety levels. And the bonus is that since she knows I don't answer my phone, I kind of doubt she'd ever try a fauxmergency with me. It'd be kind of pointless.

[Sneezy]

I finally got mom an appointment with the neurologist, although it is a couple months out (when did specialists get so hard to see?).  Anyway, I'm really not sure this is going to be a very useful doctor visit.  How does a doctor accurately diagnose someone who frequently lies?  Another interesting thing is that mom's symptoms seem to have disappeared.  As soon as her doctor referred her to a specialist and said that he thinks mom may have Parkinson's, every single symptom went away.  Even her hands, which have been shaking for over a year, no longer have any tremor.  I can't believe that my mom is capable of making symptoms like a tremor come and go at will.  So what is going on?  Well, I will take her to see the neurologist and let him know my concerns and we will see what happens.  Sometimes I think I'm going crazy when dealing with mom.  She seems to have a magical power to create reality the way she wants it to be.  And she's good at it. 

[Poison Ivy]

The health-care system in the U.S. (I don't know where you are), imperfect as it was before, is continuing to be affected by the COVID-19 pandemic. I live near a city that has three hospitals and thousands of physicians and other health-care providers, and many of them are scheduling appointments several months out.

My mom is almost 95 years old. Although she doesn't complain much, it is clear that she is unhealthy and that she has declined in functioning, particularly mentally, in the past several months. She did not want the topic of her increasing confusion to be mentioned at her most recent appointment with her primary care provider. Fortunately, the physician directed the conversation toward the brain-related symptoms, and my sister and brother (who went to the appointment with Mom) were able to share and receive information about the symptoms.

[Cat of the Canals]

I would write a letter outlining some of her issues that you can hand over when you check in at the appointment -- that way you don't have to worry about offending your mother by bringing it up in front of her, but you can inform the doctor of what's really been going on (whether it's fabricated or not) and also give some background re: the Cluster B situation.

And it's not uncommon for people in the early stages of dementia to try to cover it up. I wonder if that's what's going on now. It's like her first inclination was to go full waif mode: "I see mice! I need Sneezy to fix it!" But you can't fix something that isn't there. Now she's earned herself a trip to the neuro, and realizing her manipulation tactic backfired, has gone into "cover up" mode.

[Poison Ivy]

 

[Psuedonym]

Hi Sneezy!!

Another interesting thing is that mom's symptoms seem to have disappeared....I can't believe that my mom is capable of making symptoms like a tremor come and go at will.

I was withholding judgment (and it still could have a physical underlying cause) but ooooh yeah they can make symptoms up. Negatron used to fake being sick all the time. My DH didn't understand the extent of it until he fully experienced it himself. He went over to her apartment once and at first thought she was on death's door...10 minutes later she forgot she was sick and dropped the feeble, lost her voice act. Still not convinced? At one point she was diagnosed with macular degeneration, which immediately turned into 'I can't seeee!' She would literally sit on one side of the room and say 'is that you? I can't see you'....and yet could magically read the renewal date on her Xanax prescription bottle. Have you tried to read the renewal date on a prescription bottle recently? It's difficult for me to make out. Also, with everything else she constantly lost or couldn't find because she 'couldn't see', magically, not one Xanax ever went missing. Not a one. Finally, when she really went off the rails in what DH dubbed 'the protest that failed' we thought that she might be having a psychotic break. At one point we talked to the director of the assisted living facitiy and when asked if she'd ever seen any behavior like this and her answer was 'no'. We thought she might end up in a mental hospital. Nope! She was throwing an enormous fit, and after she got tired of it she went back to her version of normal and pretended like nothing happened. So to sum up, I can't tell you if your mother's symptoms are physical or not, but I can tell you that PDs are capable of faking pretty much anything that gets them attention, and it seems like the invisible mice are pretty effective at that. The letter idea or trying to talk to the doctor separately (if you have authorization to do that) are both good ideas.

[Sneezy]

Now she's earned herself a trip to the neuro, and realizing her manipulation tactic backfired, has gone into "cover up" mode.

I think this may be exactly what's going on.  Attention is all well and good until the doctor starts saying scary things like "Parkinson's" and/or "dementia."  Mom wants attention and fuss, she doesn't want a serious medical problem that would make her appear less than perfect or that would require some action.

[Sneezy]

Finally, when she really went off the rails in what DH dubbed 'the protest that failed' we thought that she might be having a psychotic break.

Hi Psuedonym 

My mom had an incident last fall where I really thought she was having a stroke.  Her behavior was just so off the rails.  We called 911 and when the EMTs arrived, it was amazing how quickly mom changed her tune.  She went from completely bizarre, almost incoherent, behavior to rationally explaining to the EMT that she would be absolutely fine "if my daughters would just give me a phone call."  The EMT then asked me how long it had been since I had seen my mother.  I told him it had been about 36 hours since I had flown back with her from a long weekend at a family reunion where mom's family had spent four straight days with her.  At that point, the EMT told me that mom likely has extreme anxiety.  Hmmmmmm, you think?

Mom does seem to have a knack for inventing symptoms.  And then making the symptoms go away when they are no longer useful or when they get her the wrong kind of attention.  I told my therapist that I was afraid that one day mom would have a real problem and I wouldn't believe her because of all her lies.  And he agreed that that is very likely what will happen some day.  And that's not anyone's fault but mom's.

I really like how your DH put it - the protest that failed.  I'm sure I will be using that term in the future 

[FugitiveDaughter]

I don't know if this helps at all but thought I'd share it anyway in case it does. I had a grandparent with NPD who became increasingly erratic and paranoid with age. After he widowed, things got worse as he was forced to live alone in the house where my grandparents used to live. One thing must be clarified, I don't blame my parents one bit for not moving in with him or trying to arrange him to live with them because that would have been an absolute nightmare. Instead, they did all they could to get proper treatment and home care for my grandpa. He would talk to photographs and claim they were talking to him and watching him. He thought he was being monitored through the TV set. He saw tiny creatures running up and down the walls. He called the fire department several times claiming there was a fire when there wasn't. He also called 911 to let them know his neighbours were deliberately stealing and hiding his tools. He forgot how to make coffee. When he was taken to the doctor, he behaved as if my parents were the crazy ones and aced the memory test he had memorized after having done it several times. Sure, UTIs can cause terrible symptoms to elderly people, usually being incoherent and anxious but this was more than that. After his death we found out he had Lewy Body Dementia.

I have no idea how to help someone with these symptoms as it is very difficult, and so much more difficult when they are suffering from a PD. I fear what will happen to my mother when she gets older as I fear I am seeing signs of strange behaviour. Sneezy, I wish you lots of strength and I hope there is a way to find help for your mom. I hope you remember that no matter how she behaves, it's got nothing to do with you. Do not let her take advantage of you and never forget you are a good child to your mother and have done all that is humanly possible.

[Sneezy]

I have no idea how to help someone with these symptoms as it is very difficult, and so much more difficult when they are suffering from a PD. I fear what will happen to my mother when she gets older as I fear I am seeing signs of strange behaviour. Sneezy, I wish you lots of strength and I hope there is a way to find help for your mom. I hope you remember that no matter how she behaves, it's got nothing to do with you. Do not let her take advantage of you and never forget you are a good child to your mother and have done all that is humanly possible.

Thank you for your kind words, FugitiveDaughter.  Dementia is an awful thing, with or without a PD mixed in.  I actually haven't done everything that is humanly possible, but I know what you mean.  I have done all that I am willing and able to do.  But I refuse to sacrifice my mental and physical health for my mother.  She would gladly accept that sacrifice and then still complain that I hadn't done enough.

It sounds like your parents had quite an ordeal with your grandfather.  I hope you don't end up going down the same path with your mother.  But if you do, just remember - boundaries, boundaries, and boundaries.  That's what we need to do to take care of ourselves.

Hugs to you 

[WearyLittleBird]

Hi Sneezy,
I'm not sure if this will help you, but have you considered going along with hallucinations? Your situation reminds me of my uNPD grandmother who had dementia. She vacillated between being coherent/hallucinating and definitely sundowned. My brother and I discovered that agreeing with her made her calm down the fastest.

We also had some good fun calming her. As an example, one evening she was histrionic because "burglars stole her cash and papers". I was visiting and immediately called "the detective to get right on the case". My brother really used his acting skills and by the end of a short call (he told her everything would be returned my morning and the bad guys are going behind bars), she was happy and ready for ice cream. Grandma didn't remember anything the next day.

[Hilltop]

Hey Sneezy if your mother hasn't had these symptoms before it may be medical.  My FIL had delusions when he had a urinary tract infection.  He needed antibiotics and it cleared up. 

However my MIL recently admitted herself to hospital where they found nothing wrong with her and she discharged herself 24 hrs later. I think it was for attention.  She was upset DH wasn't visiting enough.

It's hard with PD's to work out the real from the drama.  I'm sorry you are going through this.