Am I being ungrateful?

[Sneezy]

Be honest with me, folks.  I'm just not sure about this one.  My FIL (who has many covert NPD traits and also enabled my histrionic MIL for years) wants to do something nice for DH and me for all the help we've given him.  Ok, that sounds nice.  His idea, though, is that he will take us on a trip to New York City to see a Broadway show that he wants to see.  As soon as he mentioned this, I got a pit in my stomach.  Because I will be the one booking the flights and the hotel and the show tickets.  I will have to plan the itinerary and all the meals.  FIL can barely walk, and NYC is not the best place for an old man with a walker to get around.  We will probably have to get a wheelchair, which means DH will be pushing FIL around to all the sights.  I feel like this is less of a vacation for us, and more of a free tour guide/travel agent/nursemaid arrangement for FIL.  It's his "dream vacation," not mine.  I'm perfectly happy to wait for this particular show to come on tour near us and we will see it then. 

FIL is well into his eighties.  He has Parkinsons and some cognitive decline that is getting worse.  I suppose this could be a fun trip, but it really feels more like work for me.  I'd rather pay for my own trip and go somewhere I want to go.  I have absolutely no desire to try to make NYC into a fun trip for an old man.  A cruise?  Sure, I'd do that.  Or any other trip that is easy.  But planning a successful trip to NYC for an old man sounds more like a nightmare than a gift.

I stewed about this for a couple weeks and finally told DH I didn't want to do it.  If DH and his dad want to go and make this into a guys trip, they can do that.  As it turns out, DH isn't real keen on the whole NYC idea either. 

Why does my FIL think that entertaining him is somehow a reward for us?  Am I being an ungrateful DIL?  And in either case, how do we say "thanks, but no thanks" without hurting his feelings?

[Poison Ivy]

I don't think you're being ungrateful. My reaction to this "offer" would be the same as yours. Would your husband be willing to respond to what seems to be the implicit message (dad wants to spend time with your husband and you or at least wants to be taken care of for a few days) truthfully and kindly? E.g., "Dad, no thank you. It seems you'd like it if we spent a few days together. I suggest that we meet at X place and do Y and Z."

[Cat of the Canals]

I feel like this is less of a vacation for us, and more of a free tour guide/travel agent/nursemaid arrangement for FIL.  It's his "dream vacation," not mine. 

DING! DING! DING! We have a winnah!

The fact that you'd have to plan everything says it all. That's easily the worst part of any vacation, in my opinion. And I doubt he actually think it's a reward for you. He can make it sound like a reward and get what he wants. (My own PDmom is a master at this technique.) He might even tell himself he's doing it "for you," but this is clearly for him. 

I like Poison Ivy's suggestion of flat out suggesting some alternative outing. You could also say something like, "That's such a generous offer, but I really don't think a trip like that will work with our schedule." You could tack on "at the moment" and/or "maybe another time" but only if he's the type to take a hint.

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

He's letting you choose everything! What a generous guy! Yeah, sorry, nice try. I too second the suggestion of offering an alternative that DOES work for you. I would never go for navigating an octogenarian in poor health around Manhattan. That is definitely not a vacation. That's nuts. Without sarcasm, I think the suggestion is a reflection of that cognitive decline and some of that covert narcissistic grandiosity. He probably has himself convinced that he is capable and you will love it. Oy vey.

[Leonor]

How about a simple, "Thank you for your offer, dear FIL, but there's no need to do anything for us."

End of conversation.

I bet he'll start sighing at intervals.

"I never got to travel much, you know. Too much responsibility at home."

"I would have liked to take your mother to a show, but we just didn't have the money then."

"These days the airlines really make it easy for families with seniors to travel."

Thanksgiving, if you're in the US, is peak covert narc season. You stay strong in your "hmmm" and "is that so's"!

[notrightinthehead]

You are not ungrateful. You are realistic.
You already have excellent suggestions and I wish you the serenity and strength to protect yourself and do what is good for you.

[wisingup]

How about a simple, "Thank you for your offer, dear FIL, but there's no need to do anything for us."

This is perfect!

[moglow]

Ungrateful - for not wanting to nursemaid and do "something (more) nice" like navigate NYC with elderly needy mobility-limited fil? No, and clearly you're not alone in it. Doing something nice would be sending you and dh on a getaway,asking what you'd like to go, where you'd like to go and then making it happen for you. This honestly feels like something else. 

How about a simple, "Thank you for your offer, dear FIL, but there's no need to do anything for us."

That sounds lovely just as it is!

[Sneezy]

I think the suggestion is a reflection of that cognitive decline and some of that covert narcissistic grandiosity.

I think this is it - FIL truly doesn't see his decline.  He thinks he's "slowed down a little," but is otherwise fine. 

I think we just need to wait and see if FIL even brings this trip up again.  If/when he does, we will thank him, but say that it's just not necessary for him to spend so much money on us.  And I checked, and the show he wants to see should be touring near us next year.  There are a lot of places to go to see a show that don't involve an expensive trip to NYC with a mobility-impaired elderly person.  I'm sure we can find a smaller, easier trip that will work.

Thanksgiving, if you're in the US, is peak covert narc season. You stay strong in your "hmmm" and "is that so's"!

Until you said this, it hadn't really occurred to me, but you are so right.  I think the crazy season starts on the day after Halloween nowadays.  DH and I are going away for both Thanksgiving and New Years, but I haven't found the courage (yet) to be "unavailable" for Christmas itself.  That day may be coming, though.  Different topic, I know, but my covert NPD mom has already starting wailing about how "everyone else's daughter" has been planning fun Christmas activities with their mom.  I like the holidays, but am starting to look forward to January 

[Sneezy]

The other problem I have with all this is that my FIL, and my mother for that matter, regularly complain that they never got to travel anywhere.  So now that they are in their eighties that is somehow my problem?  They both claim it is because their spouses never wanted to travel.  This is untrue.  But it's an easy thing to say because neither of their spouses is able to defend themselves (MIL has dementia and my mother is a widow).  In fact, in looking at my mom's life and my FIL's life, they both did quite a bit of traveling.  They just seem to have forgotten all the fun trips and good times they had.  And now they both have this angsty wanderlust that they expect their children to fix.  Ridiculous!  And a good lesson for me to take to heart - if there are things I want to see and places I want to go, I should do it now.  And if I don't, I shouldn't expect that to be my kids' problem twenty years from now. 

[Poison Ivy]

This morning, my sister said, during a discussion in our sibling group about our mom's ongoing care needs, that she (sister) feels "a very strong and agonizing sense of responsibility for mom's happiness and well-being." I responded to that specific comment as follows: "If my recollection of family history is accurate, Mom first experienced debilitating depression at least 70 years ago. It would be great if she were happy, but I don't think any of us have it within our power to make her happy."

[Call Me Cordelia]

Denial about their actual abilities seems pretty standard issue for aging narcissists. My uN grandmother famously refused to use a walker, at the age of 85, because they are for "old people." This after multiple falls. Lots of stories along these lines.

[SaintBlackSheep]

Oh gosh, not only are you NOT ungrateful, you are also NOT insane!! Just for some perspective, my teen has been a lover of musical theatre for years and has been dying to go to Manhattan to see a Broadway show. It has been a logistical and financial nightmare to plan this trip with just my able bodied, mentally stable family of 4. PD aside, I would Never EVER EVER even try to take an 85 year old using a walker.
And why are you the "lucky" person managing that "plan" at all? Your husband can manage his relationship with HIS father, right? Including breaking the news that this plan is untenable? If it were me, I'd just blow the whole thing off and shrug, like "oh gosh, that plan just doesn't work for us!" The end.
Trust your instincts here, you are not ungrateful or anything else other than reasonable here!! Don't do it! Don't even consider it!

[Cat of the Canals]

They both claim it is because their spouses never wanted to travel.  This is untrue. 

Even if it was true, who cares? Blaming your spouse for "never getting to do XYZ" is a cop out. If it's that important to you, you figure it out.

(This post brought to you by my PDmil, who always complains that they "only went camping 3 times this year!" and blames her husband for this, despite the fact that he still works full-time. She's the one who's retired. She's the one who has all the time in the world to go camping or do whatever she wants. She chooses to sit at home and whine instead.)

[sunshine702]

New York City is also not the glittery thing with an excellent transportation and fun shows it once was.  I hear the subways have gotten 70's level dangerous again.  The hotels are expensive and all over the map, The food is expensive and a lot of shopping stores have gone out for various reasons.  It just not the same dream trip is my warning as well - I might help to mention this to him it might not. 

An analogy you may want to make  is Vegas.  In heyday of the 50's it was one thing with the star studded shows and the rooms and the food. It was tiny and fairly safe. Today it is $40 a night resort and parking fees. Run down hotel room and $40 Guy Fieri burgers.  And also a lot of epic random awful crime.

[lkdrymom]

As someone also said...you are not ungrateful, you are also not insane.

I saved for years so I could take my kids to Disney World.  My 80 year old father wanted to go too.  He had been on many trips with my cousins so I figured he would be ok to do this and I'd have someone to share costs with. OMG what a disaster.  He could barely get though the airport.  I was a nervous wreck trying to keep eyes on two excited preteens and an elderly man.  Half the time we left him sitting someplace to people watch and we'd have to run back to check on him.  When I got back a coworker said I should have gotten him a wheelchair.  I asked how pushing him around in a wheelchair would have been a vacation for me?

You made the right call.  This would not have been a vacation for you.