Avoidant or Covert N?

[Jumping Juniper]

I am back to this site after a long break..

After a lot of work and research I know that I have CPTSD and I have struggled in life because of my Nfather. Narcissists have always gravitated towards me as a people pleaser and caretaker.

I have had some very, very abusive relationships with men in the past.

I live with my current boyfriend and things have been bad for so long that I refer to him more as a friend than boyfriend.

We sleep in separate rooms. At first I thought I wanted that because of my beliefs (I've become a Christian and we are not married) but I think it is also due to me trying to figure out what is actually happening between us.

I am now wondering whether he is avoidant or a Covert Narcissist and whether there is a crossover with these disorders.

Some of the things that have happened --

• He puts no effort into the home or furthering our relationship
• every time I try to talk about anything serious he storms off or has a meltdown
• one of his last meltdowns included drinking a bottle of whiskey out in the cold, then stripping naked in the house and falling over and breaking three ribs -- he now says that I overreacted about this even when I nursed him better from almost dying after going nil by mouth
• He once brought back bed bugs from one of his friends' houses and let me deal with it all. The pest control etc on two separate occasions. He told his brother that I was exaggerating about that too and his brother actually said I have lied about it
• he won't wash unless I run him a bath
• he won't eat unless I bring him
food on a tray. For a long time he wouldn't eat with me at all
• unless I phone him/message him he never calls me
• never buys presents as he doesn't "do birthdays or Christmas"
• gets drunk at night and spits out gum into his sheets and clothes
• sometimes tells me to shut up when I enter his bedroom and is watching TV
• wanted to include me in his will but now won't because his brother doesn't want me to "get one penny"
• complains about the furniture I buy but would never buy any himself
• self harms when we disagree
• abuses alcohol and painkillers
• complains about spending money on heating but splurges on guitars and books and beer
• said he wasn't bothered about the drug den next door to us despite being paranoid and anxious about it
• puts the phone down when he doesn't like the conversation
• gets drunk when he doesn't like the conversation
• goes missing into the early hours when he doesn't like the conversation

At other times he is very sweet, can be affectionate and supportive of me and my CPTSD but the rest of the time I get this.
My heart has been broken over this so many times I can't even count and I sometimes think I only hold on because I am afraid of the self harming or suicide ideation. I don't know what to do anymore.

I get weekly breaks but only by staying with my parents and my dad is a narcissist. Some times one house is a living hell and sometimes it is the other one. I bounce between two different types of hell. If it wasn't for my faith, I would be long gone by now..

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I read your post and felt for you -

If it wasn't for my faith, I would be long gone by now..

What does this mean?  Do you feel like you owe him?  Your description of your life with him sounds so harsh.  I'd be more honest in my reactions, but I'm not even sure that is what you are looking for.

Please read the tool box information, the posts here, and I hope you are seeking some counseling.

Our lives are so short and you deserve better.  With my dad approaching the end of his life and my dearest friend getting cancer, it woke me up to the fact that  we have one life to live.  One life, so try and live it with some peace and purpose.

I'm sending you good thoughts and strength

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Please reach out to a trained therapist....suicide hot line....emergency services....talk to someone.

[Jumping Juniper]

Thanks for your kindness.

I'm okay and not in any kind of harm from myself. I am strong enough these days to be able to ride things out.  When I talked about by faith I meant that it has literally kept me alive and going but it has also put me in a stronger place both emotionally and mentally than I was before.

I'm sorry I guess I wanted to vent and I also wanted to put down in writing everything that had happened so far because I feel I have been gas lighted over it and also told that I overreact and things aren't that bad etc etc.

I need to look into this idea of a waif. Is that a borderline trait?
My boyfriend acts like a rag doll at times as though he can't do anything for himself and yet I know he can because I've seen him rally and do it.

It's really hard at times in this situation to understand what it is.. Is it mental illness, depression, PD or just pure laziness?
I think it may be a mixture of all of the above but this is an amateur diagnosis as he would never agree to therapy.

I have had severe depression in the past to the point of catatonia. When I got better though I was determined to not go there again and try to improve things so I have been willing to try anything :drugs, therapy, counselling, pastoral care, planning, organising, goals etc

What I struggle with is when a person refuses not only to help themselves but seems angry and contemptuous of those that do help whilst simultaneously self sabotages, self abandons and self harms when you back away.

I wondered if anyone here recognises these symptoms and knows whether it is Avoidant, Bordeline or Covert Narcissism?

But thanks again. I am not in any harms way myself.

[1footouttadefog]

I am sorry you are being treated this way and living like this. I am also sorry to read that your retreat is not a good place either.

I don't think there is anything covert about how he is treating you.  It's up front and in your face terrible.

You could go to the grocery store and pick a Ransome male employee and he would be a better roommate and companion.

Any fellow you meet standing in line at the tag agency or working at the hardware store, would likely be more neutral, polite and even sit and have pleasant conversation over meals even if there was no romantic involvement.


What I am getting at is you are being treated way worse that the default neutral polite way normal humans treat each other.

You see this nice guy side occasionally, it's an act.  Sorry but that is what it is. 

I would not focus on diagnosing at this time.  I would focus on figuring out what you are living with and whether or not you will continue to do so.

There is a 100traits list in this website in the tool box area.  It was very useful to me in putting my reality into words and being able to identify and quantify the various types of abuse I was living with.

The tool box is helpful and there are some simple rules there that help out things in n perspective and bring us to a stronger place. 

Whether you stay or leave , I hope things can get better for you soon. I believe they can, stay strong and take care of you. You deserve better.