Going NC with step-parent - done the deed

[ironsand]

I have been limiting contact with my step-mother since Feb this year after finding out she met my MIL whilst in Japan (she is Japanese and so is my MIL) and was incredibly rude and abusive to her. This was told in confidence to my husband as my MIL was hesitant to ever see her again and this had made her anxious about coming to visit us in the country where we live atm.  This situation made me incredibly upset and angry as I her behaviour has been normalised in our family but seeing it happen to someone I care about was too much for me. I decided in Feb this year I would limit contact with her.

I have responded to her messages (there have been few and far between) and talked with Dad about it (not giving any details) when he called two months ago as he is dealing with her anger and mood swings about me not reaching out to her.

Over the past five months I have thought really hard about my relationship with my SM and how it has affected my life. She married my Dad when I was eight, I would see them every weekend and things were ok at first. But, it became apparent that she had anger issues. I had a pretty solid upbringing before this and didn't understand how to deal with unpredictable, angry people. The arguments between my Dad and my SM were very frightening and sometimes violent (on her part). I often tried to do everything she asked as her rages came from very small things like dropping a few crumbs on the floor or not using a coaster. But, everytime I did everything right there was something else that was wrong which caused her to rage for sometimes hours on end. I was desperate to see my Dad so I kept going over there every weekend until I was a teenager. When their arguments and her rages got out of control and I got upset he would often tell me I was overracting and that she was a nice person and would say sorry soon. 

As an adult our relationship continued to be unhealthy; I was still a child in her eyes and she was very unaccepting of me as a person. She would still rage, but I saw this less as I saw them less often. I saw her chew through relationships and my Dad's few friends become less and less friendly towards her. Since I got married a few years ago and my Husband has experienced her behaviour and ways of dealing with people (angry, interfering and abusive) we have had many conversations around what healthy families look like.

I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and thought that maybe she had uBPD and this was the cause of her emotional outbursts and constant fear of us not liking her or not wanting to be around her.  I began to think that maybe it was time to make some firmer boundaries around contact as she was not likely to get help or change her behaviour (I had asked many times for her to do so in many different ways and nothing had happened over twenty years).

I am a very empathetic and understanding person, I know that if I saw her in person and she wanted to talk things through that I would end up reconciling because I can't bear to see a family member hurting.  I also know that being tolerant of toxic and abusive behaviours has had a major impact on my life and led to many mental health issues, lack of understanding of boundaries and poor choices in friendships and relationships.

So, in a nutshell I sent an email off about 30 minutes ago saying that I would not like to see her and briefly explained why (without revealing what happened with MIL). I have left the door partially open saying that I would like a healthy relationship with her but it will take work on her part.  I know by doing this I risk hurting my relationship with my Dad, but for many, many years I have been loyal to him. It would be nice to see him try a little harder to have a relationship with me.

Over the past five months I have felt this deep sense that I have protected myself as I wanted to be protected as a child. I often have felt guilty over this time as well, worried about hurting her and my dad. But, I know that standing up for my own wellbeing is important.

This turned into a massive post! Sorry everyone, I needed to write this out and get some feedback as sending that email has put me into high anxiety mode.

[Malini]

  for the anxiety Ironsand, it's a feeling  I can completely relate to. In your stepmoms eyes, what you've done is probably worse than dropping some crumbs or not using a coaster! The anxiety about the coming punishment is real, even if we're adults and rationally there is nothing truly terrible our PDs can do to us that they haven't done before.  We sometimes forget that as adults we are stronger than we ever were as children and we have a lot more choices and power too.

It sounds like you thought a long time about this decision and reading your post, it all makes absolute sense that you would make this choice. It's really healthy of you to put half the responsibility of your relationship with your Dad back in his hands.

Over the past five months I have felt this deep sense that I have protected myself as I wanted to be protected as a child. I often have felt guilty over this time as well, worried about hurting her and my dad. But, I know that standing up for my own wellbeing is important.

What a strong and inspiring statement - this work is hard and it's wonderful that you've been able to get to this place of empowerment.

Nobody ever takes this step lightly and it's almost always after years of trying absolutely every else. Your stepmom may rage or she may ignore you, it's never easy to predict which way it will go. Plan some time for a bit of self care in the coming weeks so you can weather whatever is coming your way as best possible.

Take care and hugs of support.