If you went NC with an elderly parent, what did that look like?

[Tribe16]

I'm 63, mom is 83. I'm vvvvlc. I think after this week it will become NC. What did that look like for you? Did you write a letter, send an email? Do nothing? I have the letter written. My husband is saying "why bother sending and poking the bear? Just do it if you want." I may or may not send. That's my self-doubt trauma response rearing it's head.

I know all the associated taboos with going NC with an elderly parent. I know that the FMs will start coming out of the woodwork. I want to do this. Just want the best possible outcome for myself given the circumstances.

[blacksheep7]

Hi Tribe16,

I went nc at 55 a first time in 2010 two years after NF died. M is a covert narc and I had enough!

She got up and left new year's eve at my sister's house following a heated argument, defending longtime family friend before her own children. Always criticizing her own. In the snow and cold she walked back to her house, a twenty minute walk. We didn't run after her, my sister begging her to stay. She was/is unable to discuss any problems.  NF was the Boss, she sat in his shadow all her life.

I didn't say anything, no letter, no nothing.  She understood when I wouldn't return her calls. I got an answer from her saying that since I didn't want to talk to her anymore, she would not speak to me any longer.  Way to go M    I'm too complicated for her.

I hadn't found this site yet, nor did a seek T when I should have and it took a toll on my health because of the rage I had in me. 
Three years later I reconnected, Big mistake, nothing had changed except for the day I decided to go nc for good when she told me about her revenge (giving away a promised item)like we were discussing the weather. No regrets!

I did go through the guilt trip for a while thinking she's eldery and so on. I have three siblings who are there for her.

As for the taboos, it is people who haven't walked in our shoes.  Just chosse people who you can open up with that will understand.  For the rest, you do not have to justify your actions.   None of their business.

M is 93 still alive, kicking and frivolous in her own home.

[moglow]

@Tribe16, I hope you write that letter for yourself, and keep on writing to get the poisons out of your system as they rise to the surface. *But don't send or share them with her.* I don't doubt you've tried for years to say those things to her and she's turned a deaf ear. We want to believe that this time will be different. This time she'll listen and try to make things right. This time you'll actually get an apology, etc. That soft hopeful self down inside is great but she's nor very realistic.

Know that for everything you say, she'll likely have a convenient reason or excuse for herself, or some way to cast blame on you for the problems. That's fine, you just don't need to hear it yet again. For every question you answer, she'll find two or three others to muddy the waters. And honestly? All that would do is stir you up and make it worse.

Consider backing off then backing off some more and just going silent when it feels right for you. Let her do with that what she will, she's going to anyway ya know?

But that's just my $.02

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I went NC with elderly parents. Mom had early dementia and dad severe COPD. It seemed like they both struggle just to make it through the day. I do not think there are any perfect conditions to go NC. Sometimes you cannot choose the timing, it picks you. For me, I had no feelings of anger or resentment, it was a calm resolve that "this is over".
                 
I did not announce anything. I did not send a letter. I just stopped calling, emailing, returning calls, texting, or communicating to flying monkeys about my decision.

There was an incident however that triggered it which was at a family function where my FOO triangulated me and it was literally them all standing over me as I sat in a chair and they hurled accusations at me. That was the moment I knew had 'picked me'. I calmly stood up from my chair and walked out. I never felt such relief and freedom in my entire life.     

It took my parents roughly two weeks to call me. When I never called back, a barrage of calls and emails began that lasted months. I listened to a couple of voicemails from my parents, and they ranged from swearing angrily at me to asking if I was ill or had died. They claimed no knowledge of what they did wrong. They left messages that they "were praying for me". They just never got it. I recommend not listening to messages they may leave as they can be triggering.

This was just my experience, but do what you need to do for your own peace of mind. I do not believe you owe anyone an explanation. I knew I tried my whole life to explain, and nothing ever got resolved. I thought one more explanation would just make things swirl, so I did not let my NC decision rest on them understanding. I believe NC is something you do for you and your own wellbeing. 

[Tribe16]

As for the taboos, it is people who haven't walked in our shoes.  Just chosse people who you can open up with that will understand.  For the rest, you do not have to justify your actions.   None of their business.

Thanks BlackSheep. Yeah, I guess that is the key - if you came from a relatively healthy family, they can't fathom how someone could walk away from a mother.

Know that for everything you say, she'll likely have a convenient reason or excuse for herself, or some way to cast blame on you for the problems.

You are right Moglow. I know. The last 2 weeks have shown me how venomous my mother can be, but damn, the last 24 hours shocked me with a whole new level of malevolence. I'll keep the letter. It was a really good letter though!  I think walking away into the sunset is my best option at this point.

This was just my experience, but do what you need to do for your own peace of mind. I do not believe you owe anyone an explanation. I knew I tried my whole life to explain, and nothing ever got resolved.

Blueberry Pancakes, I realize now how many times she has twisted my words into something unrecognizable. Like she's really committed to doing that. I still have the letter. It felt good to write it. It would not do any good to send it. She would not be hurt by it, she'll just use it to become the godzilla of victims. I'm in her city right now, for the first time in my life knowing I will not go visit her and being totally at peace with that.

Thanks all for weighing in, I appreciate it so much.

[moglow]

Tribe, mine [and her sisters] was infamous for sharing letters from way back, always behind someone's back and to make them appear "wrong." The triangulation game was strong in that bunch, and not in a good way - one was forever pitting one against two others and God help you if you agreed with anything with whoever was on the Out list. I learned that much at least, made it a point to put very little in writing - giving some people ammunition is just not a good idea, you never know when or where they'll use it. If yours is like mine, she knows just when your more vulnerable and will gaff you even harder while you'd down.

I'm reminded that sometimes no good deed goes unpunished. There was a point several years ago where md was insistent that I tell her *in writing* where "things went wrong between us." She  wanted it all spelled out, no doubt so she could pick it apart and shoot holes in me yet again, point out all the things she saw differently or I omitted. All I could see was when were things RIGHT??! No responsibility whatsoever for anything. We've busted her obv forwarding texts to others, where she accidentally responds to the original sender - and I'm sure she doesn't always provide whatever might have provoked our own response.

[discarded]

I went no contact at age 38. It wasn't the first time but it was the last.
I predicted that by removing myself and I'd be giving giving her no fuel to burn, that she would burn her bridges. She essentially didn't have me as her favourite thing to harp about to everyone, so she became everyone else's headache essentially. It played out predictably.

[traumakorma]

Udnpd parent was 79 when I finally got it and like previous poster said although you'll still ruminate for the rest of your life there is often a moment when the clarity pours in and that nudges you towards your need for self protection. There had been many, many other incidents that really should have been the death knell. I just wasn't ready. Parent died some time ago. My abiding thought is always 'if I could go back I would have got away decades ago'. There's collateral with siblings. They're vlc but I have let them know I am here if they ever want. It hurts but it's just the reality of a disordered parent, everyone always loses.  What is so much better is my relationship with myself and I have more peace and understanding than before which is what it's all about!

[Big Bear]

I'd say that *not* sending "the letter" is the best course of action.

You don't owe anybody an explanation.  You don't have to justify your decision.  You don't have to defend your right to peace and well-being.

I do believe that writing "the letter" could be a therapeutic exercise as long as it's only for your healing.  It could be a good way to work through all that went into the decision to reduce contact.  Perhaps it could be helpful to read it in the future as a reminder, perhaps it could be helpful to throw it away and move on. 

I wrote a letter that I never sent to a disordered relative who I am now effectively NC with.   For me it was therapeutic to put it all down into words.  Until that moment I just couldn't move on.  Something was holding me back.  Then I wrote my letter and I really got clarity.  It really was a turning point for me.

Just my 2 cents worth.
Big Bear

[Call Me Cordelia]

Tribe, I don't necessarily think self-doubt about sending the letter or not is necessarily a trauma response. Or at least, even if it is, it does no good to subtly put yourself down for having it. This is an unnatural situation. It doesn't make sense. You've been in situations that don't make sense your whole life with people you had no choice but to trust. So... why would you not feel self-doubt here? You're preparing to take a HUGE step in being a fully developed human being. You're basically poised to jump off a high dive here going NC. You're entitled to feel unsure of yourself!

[Tribe16]

Thank you everybody for your thoughts about my letter. I didn't send it. I am profoundly sad at how things have turned out with my mother - it all seems so unnecessary and strange that she has behaved the way she has. But I know that the short-circuit in her brain will not have a "come to Jesus" moment and my letter will not serve me, but just create more negative behavior from her directed at me. I've had enough.

I appreciate the stories you've shared. Right now I'm not making this a "permanent, never again, you are dead to me" kind of NC. I am just closing the book and putting it on the shelf for as long as I need to which may be the rest of her life - or not. I'm really not sure and I guess I don't have to decide the rest of my life. I'm just deciding for the rest of this year. A little season at a time. Her behavior, her refusal to share info about my dad is nothing I have any control over right now. I have no legal rights as they have never done POA with any of us kids. I'll just check out of the Chaos Motel for now.

[Tribe16]

I know this is an older thread - I am at a crossroads and wanted to give an update.

Since I wrote this post and at the time my dad was in a nursing home/rehab center. He never did leave there - until he did. Dad passed 2 weeks ago. During the time he was there, mom shared very little of his medical information with me. 90% of what I learned was through my sister or my kids, as she would tell my sister or text my kids in great detail. Eventually I called her out on it and she denied it.

I went and saw my Dad in January on his birthday (I have to fly, I live across the country from them). I had a feeling Dad's time was short and I reached out to mom to see if she, sister and I could visit him together. She did not respond but gave a martyr-ish response to sister about how she would stay home and miss dad's birthday so sister and I could go visit him. I wasn't having that. I told sister to go ahead with their plans and made an excuse that I couldn't get there until the afternoon and that I would see Dad on my own. My last visit with Dad was sweet, we said the i love you's, he gobbled up snickerdoodles - it was a good day.

Eventually it got to where dad could no longer speak on the phone. Mom did hand the phone off to him a couple of times so I could talk to him. But towards the last couple of weeks, it was pretty much radio silence from her. My last phone call with her lasted 51 seconds when she called to tell me he passed.

She texted and asked me to write his obituary for which I will always be grateful I got to do that. There will be no services. She has never asked if there is anything special of his that I would like to have. I asked my sister for his western shirts to make a quilt out of someday. I don't know if that will happen.

On Monday mom sent me a gargantuan text. When I saw the length of it, I was floored. My mother has never sincerely apologized to me in my life, but this was an apology. One I always hoped for, but sadly it didn't miraculously change how I feel. Of course I had to over-analyze it and I realized it was an "I'm sorry IF I caused you pain and I never meant to hurt you." There is no if. And I don't really believe the Never Meant, because she did dozens and dozens of times and I think she probably did mean to hurt on most if not all occasions. Because you can be sweet as pie to others, but not to me. She also said she wanted no deep conversations ever again (translate: you may not have any opportunities to criticize) and that she doesn't want to have a relationship, that it's ok for me to move on. She also mentioned things she was proud of about me, but these were also things she told me previously I only did because I wanted to impress people, so that kind of fell flat too. She also proceeded to tell me how much she loved my dad. OK. But I have had to listen to some pretty awful stuff you've said in the past - can't unhear that stuff. But OK. My husband aptly said, "Your mother just sent you a break-up text asking for a divorce!"

One thing she said nothing about in the text were words of comfort, like "Your dad loved you" or "How are you dealing with grief" or anything like that. She did say she has no regrets. That's nice.

I think what triggered this text was I left her a voicemail wishing her a happy Easter and to let me know if she needed anything. She closed her text with a final I love you.

I waited a day before I could respond. I simply said "I will honor your request mom. I love you too." If this is the last thing I ever say to her I will have a clear conscience. So begins my journey of no contact.

I still don't know how this got so crazy out-of-control. Why would an 83-year old woman with little to no friends left isolate herself in such a way. It makes no sense. But I am ready to honor her request and move on. Thanks for reading this far.

[M0009803]

I know this is an older thread - I am at a crossroads and wanted to give an update.

Since I wrote this post and at the time my dad was in a nursing home/rehab center. He never did leave there - until he did. Dad passed 2 weeks ago. During the time he was there, mom shared very little of his medical information with me. 90% of what I learned was through my sister or my kids, as she would tell my sister or text my kids in great detail. Eventually I called her out on it and she denied it.

I went and saw my Dad in January on his birthday (I have to fly, I live across the country from them). I had a feeling Dad's time was short and I reached out to mom to see if she, sister and I could visit him together. She did not respond but gave a martyr-ish response to sister about how she would stay home and miss dad's birthday so sister and I could go visit him. I wasn't having that. I told sister to go ahead with their plans and made an excuse that I couldn't get there until the afternoon and that I would see Dad on my own. My last visit with Dad was sweet, we said the i love you's, he gobbled up snickerdoodles - it was a good day.

Eventually it got to where dad could no longer speak on the phone. Mom did hand the phone off to him a couple of times so I could talk to him. But towards the last couple of weeks, it was pretty much radio silence from her. My last phone call with her lasted 51 seconds when she called to tell me he passed.

She texted and asked me to write his obituary for which I will always be grateful I got to do that. There will be no services. She has never asked if there is anything special of his that I would like to have. I asked my sister for his western shirts to make a quilt out of someday. I don't know if that will happen.

On Monday mom sent me a gargantuan text. When I saw the length of it, I was floored. My mother has never sincerely apologized to me in my life, but this was an apology. One I always hoped for, but sadly it didn't miraculously change how I feel. Of course I had to over-analyze it and I realized it was an "I'm sorry IF I caused you pain and I never meant to hurt you." There is no if. And I don't really believe the Never Meant, because she did dozens and dozens of times and I think she probably did mean to hurt on most if not all occasions. Because you can be sweet as pie to others, but not to me. She also said she wanted no deep conversations ever again (translate: you may not have any opportunities to criticize) and that she doesn't want to have a relationship, that it's ok for me to move on. She also mentioned things she was proud of about me, but these were also things she told me previously I only did because I wanted to impress people, so that kind of fell flat too. She also proceeded to tell me how much she loved my dad. OK. But I have had to listen to some pretty awful stuff you've said in the past - can't unhear that stuff. But OK. My husband aptly said, "Your mother just sent you a break-up text asking for a divorce!"

One thing she said nothing about in the text were words of comfort, like "Your dad loved you" or "How are you dealing with grief" or anything like that. She did say she has no regrets. That's nice.

I think what triggered this text was I left her a voicemail wishing her a happy Easter and to let me know if she needed anything. She closed her text with a final I love you.

I waited a day before I could respond. I simply said "I will honor your request mom. I love you too." If this is the last thing I ever say to her I will have a clear conscience. So begins my journey of no contact.

I still don't know how this got so crazy out-of-control. Why would an 83-year old woman with little to no friends left isolate herself in such a way. It makes no sense. But I am ready to honor her request and move on. Thanks for reading this far.

If they are alone with no real friends, many older dysfunctional people operate under the basis of "I don't like you, but don't leave me".

They assume that you will take their abuse because they are your mother and you are "family".

They won't change at that age.  My own mother is turning 80 and I know with 100% certainty now that no healthy relationship with her is possible.  Took me roughly 6 years of NC to get to this point but the emotional "peace" you gain from not interacting with them (and understanding why) is priceless.

[NarcKiddo]

Sometimes you cannot choose the timing, it picks you.   

Thank you for the update, Tribe16. I am sorry for your loss and glad to read you were able to have a good final visit with your Dad.

I am interested to read how the receipt of an apology you have always wanted did not change how you feel. I have recently received an apology from mine (not for everything she has done, just for one isolated incident that I objected to) and once I got over the reaction of "OMG! She has actually apologised AND it sounds genuine" I realised it did not change how I feel. I somewhat forced her hand, and I don't think it is genuine. The one you received does not sound all that genuine either, if you are able to analyse it in that way. From what you say, it sounds to me like she senses you might "officially" go NC and wanted to get there first.

The main thing is that you have a clear conscience. I wish you well as you move on from this.

[Sidney37]

I am so sorry that you got this message from your mother.  How painful that must have been.

I went NC 5 years ago when my parents were in their 70s.  For me it's been almost completely NC.  I made the mistake of not blocking them and answering the phone without looking at the caller ID because I was expecting a call from a relative of my husband's. 

I go back and forth between blocking them to reduce my CPTSD and not to have written proof in case I need an order for no contact.  I doubt at 83 you will need that.  In my case, they seem desperate to talk to me still 5 years later.  I'm not sure that would be the case if one had passed.  I think they encourage each other to be wound up about the situation.  If just my vindictive mom was still alive, I believe she might react the same way as yours. 

I got an apology of sorts and thought it was what I had been looking for and wishing for years.  I had my husband and best friend read it and they pointed out all of the digs and mean remarks and how it wasn't the apology I thought I had received.  It took a few weeks for me to accept that. I still have to go back occasionally and read it when I'm wondering if NC is the right thing or just the current trendy thing that therapists are recommending.

I also agree that the main thing is that you have a clear conscious.  I'm sorry that you are going through this with her.

[moglow]

Tribe, I'm sorry for the loss of your dad, and glad you had some peace and that good day with him. Hold that part close and when you're able, let the ugly stuff go. You're more than overdue real peace in your life.

This ... just gets me:

She also said she wanted no deep conversations ever again (translate: you may not have any opportunities to criticize) and that she doesn't want to have a relationship, that it's ok for me to move on. She also mentioned things she was proud of about me, but these were also things she told me previously I only did because I wanted to impress people, so that kind of fell flat too. ... But OK. My husband aptly said, "Your mother just sent you a break-up text asking for a divorce!"

One thing she said nothing about in the text were words of comfort, like "Your dad loved you" or "How are you dealing with grief" or anything like that. She did say she has no regrets. That's nice.

She doesn't want to have a relationship and "It's okay to move on" - from a relationship you wanted with your mother?? What parent SAYS that?! And still no mention, no comfort regarding your own obvious grief. She has no regrets? Whoop de damn doo for her. So similar to my experience after losing Daddy then my stepfather a few months later, not even a nod of what I was dealing with, I was expected to take care of her.

But at the end of the day, Tribe, she's all too clear in that text. I hope you kept it, so if ever asked you can forward that bad boy right back to her. Read this. This is what you said to your child two weeks after Dad passed. You could not be more clear, mother, and I told you I'd respect your wishes. That's what I'm doing now, respecting your very clear wishes. Please do me a solid and provide the same for me.

I'm sure it'll take a while for it all to sink in. We're here with you, no matter what.

[Rebel13]

Tribe16, I'm so sorry for your pain at your father dying, and having to receive this text from your mother. I am almost at one year of NC with my 81-year-old mother. I visited her last May for Mother's Day and she behaved horribly. I had been LC for many years, had not seen her in person in 9 years, and her behavior shocked me.  I had learned to expect better in the interim I guess! I didn't make any grand statements, just stopped responding. She has sent a couple of texts and a couple of cards, the last one back in December I think. I don't have many relatives and the ones I do are not in touch with me, so it's been quiet. I have been surprised that I have not felt more guilt or regret. Like others have said, I think I was just done. I don't want people in my life who treat me that way.

I can only imagine how much it would hurt, though, if I got a text from her like the one you got. Even though you were more or less at peace with not really being in touch, seeing her lack of caring for you right there in black and white would be heartbreaking. But at least now you know the reality and you can go forward firm in that knowledge. I wish you the best and thank you for sharing here. Hearing others' stories helps me feel less lonely. 

[Tribe16]

My own mother is turning 80 and I know with 100% certainty now that no healthy relationship with her is possible. 

Thanks M0009803, yeah I don't see how this is going to change either. Not in this life anyway. I'm glad you've found emotional peace, I hope I can get there too.

I am interested to read how the receipt of an apology you have always wanted did not change how you feel. I have recently received an apology from mine (not for everything she has done, just for one isolated incident that I objected to) and once I got over the reaction of "OMG! She has actually apologised AND it sounds genuine" I realised it did not change how I feel. I somewhat forced her hand, and I don't think it is genuine. The one you received does not sound all that genuine either, if you are able to analyse it in that way. From what you say, it sounds to me like she senses you might "officially" go NC and wanted to get there first.

NarcKiddo, I was wondering the same thing, was this a preemptive strike? Who knows. Why did the apology not comfort me in the way I expected? I am so confused by it - I know this must have been insanely difficult for her because this woman has never offered me a sincere apology before. There are excuses that just don't sit well with me. In her apology she said that her way to deal with extreme stress and pain is to lose her temper. The thing is, that temper was only directed at me. And it wasn't as simple as "losing her temper". It was criticism, one-upsmanship (on who has problems in life and who doesn't), dismissiveness, brow-beating, ingratitude, silent treatment, a compulsion to twist my words into something unrecognizable... and dozens of things besides. One of the ways I cope is I'm a journaler. I wrote all these things down. It's how I process and make sense of things. When I go back and re-read these things, many that I've forgotten or maybe blocked out, I'm astonished and wonder, "how could she treat me like that? She's supposed to be my MOM!"

The other thing she said was that "losing her temper" allows her to push through and do hard things. Like that's an acceptable thing. No. It isn't acceptable. It means you have an anger management problem and you should see a therapist about that. When I suggested as gingerly as I could that seeing a therapist might not be a bad idea, she flew into a rage and said she didn't need therapy because she didn't have self-esteem problems like I do. Can't make this stuff up.

So I know in her mind she has gone over and above her normal way of dealing with problems that she is responsible for. I know this was hard for her, but while in time I will forgive, I'm never going to unhear and unfeel these things. Our relationship is forever changed.

I got an apology of sorts and thought it was what I had been looking for and wishing for years.  I had my husband and best friend read it and they pointed out all of the digs and mean remarks and how it wasn't the apology I thought I had received.

Yes Sidney, I had to have my hubby and son read it and ask what they saw in it, because I didn't want to be simply picking it apart for the sake of picking it apart. Hubby called it and said this is a breakup text. On the surface it is kind, but I see the undercurrents because - I have overanalyzed every interaction with her in the past 5 years when things started getting really weird. Maybe that's a life lesson, that when things get really bad, the apology we wanted so badly doesn't have much of a chance to fix things.

I hope you kept it, so if ever asked you can forward that bad boy right back to her.

I did Moglow - sorry to say I save all those things, I'm probably pathological that way. It was part of my journal entry the next day. I'm not sure why I do, like I already know enough that this relationship is toxic, right? But it's like I need the evidence to prove it's not just me being "too sensitive".

I wish you the best and thank you for sharing here. Hearing others' stories helps me feel less lonely. 

Thank you Rebel, I have struggled with venting about Mom because I feel tremendous disloyalty at times but then venting has helped me to realize other people (like you) get it, and my experience is not unique. There are not that many in my circle that understand why I am distant from an elderly, vulnerable parent. Because most people look at you funny and wonder "How bad can it really be?" because they have normal moms.

Thank you everybody for the kind words about losing my Dad, I appreciate it. Honestly it was wonderful hearing little stories about him that my kids shared with me that they may have told me before, but I'd forgotten them - he was a good grandpa. He was a good dad. He loved me for me and not what he expected I should be - that I realize is a magnificent blessing.

[TimetoHeal]

Hi, Tribe.

I remember reading your original post, and just read your update.  I am so sorry for the passing of your father, and so grateful for you that you got to have that last day.

Although you are probably still reeling right now, I'm actually really excited for you that you are now completely, freely, NC with your mom.  Whether she meant to or not (and I doubt it), she did you a favor and you are now completely free with her "Blessing".  I agree with others that the "apology" is really not much of an apology but a break up text, and probably an attempt for it to look like SHE initiated NC, not you.  Because she has to have the final word and be the winner.    Anyway, what matters is you are free now. Go enjoy your freedom. 

[Tribe16]

Hi, Tribe.

I remember reading your original post, and just read your update.  I am so sorry for the passing of your father, and so grateful for you that you got to have that last day.

Although you are probably still reeling right now, I'm actually really excited for you that you are now completely, freely, NC with your mom.  Whether she meant to or not (and I doubt it), she did you a favor and you are now completely free with her "Blessing".  I agree with others that the "apology" is really not much of an apology but a break up text, and probably an attempt for it to look like SHE initiated NC, not you.  Because she has to have the final word and be the winner.    Anyway, what matters is you are free now. Go enjoy your freedom. 

Thank you Time to heal. Your words are very encouraging.

There's been a plot twist since I last posted.

My mother reached out to my sister, not me of course, and said "what did I do? Why did Tribe respond the way she did? Read my text to her and tell me what I did wrong?" Sis read it and said, "Mom it kind of sounds like you're saying goodbye"... apparently Mom said "Noooo! That's not what I meant..." yada yada yada.

I haven't talked to her yet. I'm sooooo tired of the ups, downs, confusion, exclusion, etc. This week I've been stressing out all week about mother's day this year. I went to an expensive gift shop, looking for a pretty but blank card. I found one card that said "Happy Mother's Day" and nothing else. I can't handle the Hallmark sentiments right now. Wrote a short but not insincere note in it, went straight to the post office, bought a stamp and mailed it. Done, no need to stress anymore. I have no plans to call. I wish I was completely free from the emotional angst and heart tugs, but as many can attest, that will just take good, old-fashioned time.