How to deal with monthly payments

[Anjulie]

Hello there,
This is my first post here. I am so grateful I have found this forum.

I have a long story of childhood abuse and have been trying to heal from it on my life. My current situation is that I am retired from work due to my CPTSD. My husband also has CPTSD and is retired, we are both in our 40s, we have no children (due to our trauma).

10 years before I went no contact with my patents (narcissistic father, cold mother), but after two years we started contact again and at first, it went well. The last years, however, the old abusive behaviour was surfacing again and getting stronger and stronger.
Before Christmas, there was a situation when I knew I had to go no contact with them again to protect myself. They, of course, think they are innocent, and I am to blame.

The thing is, they started years ago to send me money monthly (350€), it's the rent of a flat they own (they live in a house). I don't know yet, what they are deciding according to this. We can live without this support, we have done it before, although it's not easy. But I don't know what to do if they continue to send the money, which I think they probably will.
I suspect that they send the money because it makes them seem generous and caring. I also think they do have a desire to do the right thing because they know we are poor (not because they feel guilty). I don't know what grade of selfishness is behind it.

Now I ask myself, should I refuse it if they keep sending it? Does taking the money make me paticipate in the family system? What about them thinking they still got a bond with me? On the other side, there's the thing that if I really write them and ask them to stop sending it I will have contact with them again, and they can again say that I'm so brutal to them and they are so good. Another opportunity for them to hurt and destabilize me.

I would be grateful for any thoughts and experiences from you.
Thank you.

[NarcKiddo]

They can think what they like, and they will do so regardless of what you say or do. So you need to confine yourself to what you feel right doing.

I don't see anything wrong with continuing to accept the money if it truly comes with no strings attached. I think you are probably right they are giving you the money for their benefit more than for yours, even if they do not recognise that. But if accepting it makes you feel worse then there is no value in accepting it if you can manage without it.

My parents long ago bailed me out financially when I got into debt due to a disastrous marriage. I was in contact with them, and deep in the FOG still, but I was never grateful for that money, although I accepted it. Over the years I wondered why I did not feel grateful to them, although they have not thrown it in my face since. I realised it is because they did it for themselves. They did not want to have a daughter in debt. They made a big fuss about how I would be thrown into debtor's prison if they did not help me, which even I knew was utter nonsense.

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG. I am thankful you have found us and joined the community at the difficult transition to NC with your parents. I am so sorry things have deteriorated to this point.

In my own experience, in some family systems the giving and accepting of money has great significance and can be an avenue for further confusion when someone is attempting to cut ties with parents whose behaviors are hurting their adult children. Only you can know what is best and right for you regarding this with your parents. I don't think there is a right/wrong answer as so much is dependent upon if that money will become, or has become, weaponized against you.

It doesn't seem like this is a decision you have to rush, but that you have some time to figure things out. Often, holding steady and taking such a big change as NC one step at a time is wise.

In the meantime, you are now part of a community that is here to listen and support you as you process this change in contact and the experiences you have had in your family of origin.

Keep coming back and sharing as you are able. Make good use of the resources you will find at the drop down menus above and throughout the site. Join the conversations taking place on the forum boards and know we support you as you continue your healing journey! Again, welcome!

[square]

I just wanted to point out something, though I have no direct experience here.

You are receiving money for rent.

You get to decide if that money requires some sort of hidden payment or not.

You get to decide if you owe loyalty or guilt or anything else.

I'm not clear whether this money is rent owed to you or merely a gift to help you.

If it's rent they are paying for use of your property, well, it's a simple transaction. You provide the property. They pay. The end.

If it's a gift, sure, they might attach strings. But you decide if you want to hold those strings or drop them. They can't make you. All they can do is either keep sending the gifts, or stop.

You can say to yourself, "they sent me this check of their own free will. I could use it. If they want to stop sending me the checks, that is their right. For now, they apparently are satisfied to send them to me."

So cash the checks and refuse to carry the burden. If someone (your parents or a flying monkey) says that you OWE them and are TERRIBLE and AWFUL and TAKING ADVANTAGE, flick that away like a gnat because they are grown adults sending you a check of their own free will, and it would be weird and silly to play games when you could just accept the damn money at face value.

Put another way, if someone gave your parents something - anything at all - and tied some hidden price to it, would they feel like they had to pay that price? Or would they feel indigant that someone would have the audicity to try to demand it?

That price is a game and you don't to play it. You don't even have to wonder about it. It's a check. You cash it. The end. You can drop the burden and not look back.

[Anjulie]

Thank you so much for your replies, they help me so much. I feel so grateful that you can understand!

NarcKiddo, I can so relate to your feelings when your parents bailed you out... such things happened to me before I quitted contact the first time. But when I now listen to my feelings, I don't feel so bad accepting the money. Maybe there has grown an inner distance from my parents in all the years. Maybe because it is not about saving me from a financial crisis. And you're right, I cannot control what they think of me.

Bloomie, thank you so much for your kind words of welcome! My hand went to my heart.
My parents are very generous giving money to their children (I have two older sisters). Especially they want their children to have a house or, in my case, at least a flat. They have supported my sisters in buying houses and have repeadedly offered to do so for me ( for buying a flat). But I always refused because I didn't want to own a flat, it was too much of a rope tying me to one place. Then, at the time when we had a relatively good relationship they offered to give me the rent of a flat they had bought (it is theirs, and someone lives in it) and told me they put it in the testament that I will inherit the flat before the other inheritance. At this time, this was an offer that I could accept, because they didn't expect anything, they just gave it to me. And again, if I listen inside, it is still something that I feel is okay to accept.
Thank you for saying that I don't have to rush things, one step at a time. Yes, it is a big change and there are so many feelings, relief, anger, confusion... Thanks for reminding me to take it slow.

Square, thank you for your clear words! They help me so much! It is so easy to get confused. Yes, they are grown-ups and have got a free will. And I decide not to play any games. Really, I will keep your words in mind.

[TimetoHeal]

Hi, anjulie,

I know this post is a few months old, but I just wanted to reply because this one hits so close to home for me. I hope I might add something to the conversation. 

My mom has a long history of holding control over me with money and gifts.  Earlier in life, I didn't even realize this was what was going on, I just thought it was normal family affairs.  And in a healthy family, the giving of money might be just that.  But for my family, it was a way for my mom to wield power, influence, and authority.  Not even necessarily "strings' in the way we usually think of "strings" as in, "I did this for you, so you have to do this for me", but more, "See what all I've done for you, you'd be lost without me.  You are an incompetent child".  The really confusing thing is that I actually needed her to help me in more than one instance.  I went through a divorce from a narc husband, and had no job and no way of immediately getting one because of some health issues I had and still have to an extent, as well as two small children at home.  I could have never left him without my mother's support.  So, at the same time I was both grateful and resentful of her financial help, if that makes sense.  Now I am much more financially independent and working again.  But my mom still tries to give me money all the time even when I say no.  I have learned, like NarcKiddos experience, she is doing it for her, not for me.  She has even made comments like, "Don't take this away from me" (giving money), which I find so bizarre!

In my own personal case, I found that I felt I had no authority or ability to speak up for myself or set boundaries until I stopped accepting money from my mother.  That is just me. Your situation may be completely different.  But I knew as long as I was dependent on her, I would alway be "the child" and she "the adult".  It sounds like you aren't dependent on this money, and that's great.  If you are still in the phases of thinking this through, I would encourage you not to take the money indefinitely for this reason.  But like bloomie said, this is one step at a time, and one decision at a time.  Best of luck to you!