Possible eviction

[Believer]

Hello. I was here years ago and let the sign in lapse. Well, I'm back. So first I want to express my gratitude for this forum.

Have been NC with uNM (and whatever else) for about seven years, with the exception of brief written messages via internet chats. Until about six months ago she chose to not reveal her whereabouts all these years, although someone had told me the most likely location which turned out to be correct. Well, I should have gone totally NC because now I've been contacted with news of a likely eviction while living with a friend. I cannot help, she cannot live with me, I don't have money to give (but did give $ in the past). In the past, I also researched for her to find services and she refused to meet with the person. Nothing I did was good enough. I even helped sell some of her things and got her some money.

Today a third person contacted me to let me know she called them. She is clearly trying to get to me and I have thus far not replied to her recent messages. She doesn't know if I've seen the messages or not.

I am reeling with this new development after six plus years of peace. I am worried, but for my own health cannot engage with this person. She needs professional help. I just keep thinking there must be an adult in this world who can help her. What happened that she's in this position? What did she do? I keep wondering. She is in her 80's. I'm afraid for her but also for myself. She's not nearby thankfully.

My worry and guilt are at an all time high. But I keep reminding myself she has not changed one bit. A rageaholic victim. Other people are always, and I mean always the problem.

And I am officially the bad uncaring horrible daughter. Meanwhile, it goes against every instinct to not help someone. I'm a do-er.

But I can't this time. I would most certainly go down with the ship.

Thank you for listening.

[Starboard Song]

We are listening. Let me tell you, there are many thousands of old folks struggling this day. And you didn't say a word about any but this one. You know why? Those thousands of old folks aren't your old folks.

We don't know your history here. But it sounds like she is also not your old person.

She is not your person. I know it is hard. I know you feel a need to provide humane help. So do that. Do that in your own community for people in need. Be kind to someone, or even help out at an old folks' home. But don't get confused and believe that this one person is your special charge.

It is terrible when this happens: when someone needs care and doesn't have it. But it does happen, every damn day. And none of it is your fault or charge.

Be good. Be strong.

[Srcyu]

Hello,

A 'likely' eviction? So not definite then. It's possibly her being dramatic or attention seeking?
The guilt is understandable and contact with the 'third person' may need to cease in order for you to continue as you were.

[Believer]

Srcyu - you are right to question. I only know what she has said to others and I don't know the full conditions of this eviction. So, yes, attention seeking is very possible but I do believe something serious is going on. That said, I am not her social worker and I'm hoping there is an adult in the room who can help her.

[bloomie]

Hi Believer! Welcome back!

It occurs to me that your mom has made it into her 80's somehow, some way. There is very little more compelling than an elderly person professing their need. What is really easy to forget about elderly people is that some of them are not trustworthy and are experts at working the compassion and caring of their adult children - whom they have abused and taken advantage of, and of others they encounter.

Stay the course. You have feelings of guilt, but that doesn't mean you are guilty of anything. Acknowledge those feelings and work through them in a way that does not put you in a position of risk.

Your compassion and concern for her, or any human in this situation, speaks of your good character and kind heart. Just don't forget to guard that kind heart and be wise and careful when you offer that compassion.

[Believer]

Starboard Song, thank you. Well, she is my old person in that she is my M. I am her only child. But we're all grown adults in the same world and she has decided that I am the only person who has a responsibility to fix her problems. She has sent me messages with the obvious goal of wanting to cause me to feel guilty.

Thank you for your suggestions. I have indeed volunteered my time for people in need and have felt very appreciated for it. Isn't it sad and ironic that because of the toxic levels with "my old person", I cannot do the same for her. Her destructive nature has been felt by many. It's the hearbreak of my life.

Yes, I've learned to be strong. People I'm close to who know my story comment on how resilient I am. I'm thankful for that.

It is times like this that I must remind myself to focus on my own health, get extra sleep, eat well, talk to my therapist.

[Believer]

Thank you Bloomie. So helpful to receive your kind message.

[blacksheep7]

Welcome back Believer,

I can relate to your story although I am nc for seven years. I understand your wanting to help but do not want to get burned. They don't change, believe me. I also agree that it is  better for your well being,not hear about her.

I've always had some feedback about my covertM.  Before the holidays, 92 years old, she had her uterus removed due to cancer. I have three siblings, two brothers and one sister to which has taken my place as the black sheep. She gets the passive-aggressive jabs.  Now M is triangulating with all of them.

I wasn't always comfortable hearing about her, I would feel anxiety at times.  My niece always asked me If I wanted to hear about her but as of last night I said that it would be best that we wouldn't talk about her anymore. Mainly because she is old and alone and very negative............not doing well, kind of giving up on life.

Best wishes 

[Believer]

My update here is that I have to stop looking at her messages because there is nothing I can do and have no intention of communicating with this person. I realized I took the bait about 6 months ago when there was a dramatic message and although I have not replied to anything since the new year, I stayed open and now have information that is extremely upsetting.

Kicking myself for falling for it - the thin thread of connection really does have to completely disintegrate and although it's been my wish since childhood, even as a full grown adult, it's still hard.

I've been watching some videos by experts in the area of narcissism and wow, they are so spot on it's ridiculous.

I just feel I've kind of stepped in some poo and need to extricate myself and thought I had already learned this. Time has a way of making you forget what you know. So not only do I feel perpetual guilt and shame, but I also feel like an idiot. There is pain one way or the other. I cannot save her. I've known this my whole life. Watching the destruction has been excruciating. It's hard to shake the sadness. I'm trying to remember self care.

Peace to all.

[Srcyu]

Yes, you can only save yourself Believer.

[bloomie]

Believer - having to bear witness to self destruction of a parent or loved one is so difficult! I am so sorry!

[Believer]

Thank you Srcyu and bloomie. (bloomie I think I remember you from way back when, thank you for being a warrior)

Yes, it is like a slow motion chaotic death. And age does a PD no favors. I remember the moment as a child I stood looking at her and knew something was wrong. Decades and decades later here I am still grappling with it all. So much fallout. So many of us living with the pain.

I thought I had broken loose. The mother/daughter element is particularly difficult. But I'd prefer not to be eaten alive.

[moglow]

And age does a PD no favors. I remember the moment as a child I stood looking at her and knew something was wrong. Decades and decades later here I am still grappling with it all. So much fallout. So many of us living with the pain.

I thought I had broken loose. The mother/daughter element is particularly difficult. But I'd prefer not to be eaten alive.

Truth! And with some it's like being eaten alive then regurgitated and eaten again just about the time you feel somewhat healed from the last round. Vicious cycle. 

Blessings, friend. Do what you need for yourself. You're no good to anyone if you can't put that oxygen mask on yourself first.

[Believer]

don't I know it, moglow. Thank you. (and I remember you too!)

[moglow]

Believer, I do feel sorry for my mother, but for me the guilt isn't so much a thing anymore. Possible eviction? As in she's burned another bridge? That sounds like something mine would do. What comes to me second- or thirdhand isn't my stuff no matter how much they might try to make it so. I can absolutely see mother trying to guilt me through third parties, but that's not real effective either anymore. Were she to tell me directly, my resources are fairly limited so there's not a lot I could do either. She most assuredly wouldn't be living with me.

It was HARD to get to this point, but I'm reminded fairly regularly what a blessing it truly is. Trial by fire [repeated fires!!] has a way of scarring a person and after a while that scar tissue is a whole lot tougher than she might think.

I think the guilt you're feeling is your humanity shining through - you wouldn't wish that on anyone anywhere.

I keep reminding myself she has not changed one bit. A rageaholic victim. Other people are always, and I mean always the problem.

Remember that's no way for *you* to have to live either, with that barrage of spite and negativity, the eternal blamefests. I don't doubt she's possibly hurting, scared, resentful etc but I try to remember that just about every community out there has elder-care services. Yes, she'd have to ask for and accept whatever help they offer, in the form they have available. That's all on her, not you.

Breathe.

[Believer]

Thank you so much mowglow. I am scared for her and don't want her to be in harms way. My body aches with sadness.

But in her version of things it is impossible to know the full truth. A person who could contact me with exact info has not done so which is interesting. And I should probably be grateful they have not.

In the past 5 plus years in very limited communication, she only chose to reveal where she was 6 months ago. And in recent weeks she's suddenly in trouble with multiple (serious) issues and I'm supposed to drop everything to rescue her. She's tried award winning level hoovering and I fell for the little seeds she was dropping, not realizing what was happening, yet again. This is why NC is the only option.

Yes, it is my hope that she has found care. I'm praying for that every day. She needs help in so many ways. You are right, it is up to her to accept that help (which she refused in the past, wouldn't you know...)

I was doing fine for a while there. Now I have that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach but I know each day I'll move forward and continue to heal.

Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I am grateful.

[Believer]

Update: Yes, she's now homeless and in a hotel for three nights paid for by social services. Ok, that's all for now.

[moglow]

Oh Lord. I'm so sorry, Believer. She may have waited too late, when the situation was beyond redemption, before saying anything. If she's like mother, that too will be someone else's fault. It's still painful, I know.

Breathe.

[Believer]

Thank you moglow. I come back here to find balance and I'm so grateful.

My therapist made a very good and helpful point: It is actually best that I do not get involved at all because she is in the system now and they are helping her. If I step in at all (which I cannot do) I become responsible and they are less inclined to urgently make sure she has somewhere to go. Praying for her safety.

Yes, I don't know why she was not on a Sr. waiting list 7 years ago. I don't know why she got kicked out of where she was staying. I only knew of her location 6 months ago. And things have escalated quickly.

All I know is that they are trying to extend the hotel stay and adult services are opening a case. She is going to have to accept the help she is offered.

I can't even imagine if I tried to help and then she refused for whatever reason (location not good enough, etc.).  There are so many unanswered questions that I have as to how she finds herself in this situation but I cannot and am ill equipped to take this on. Somehow she fantasized that I'd go get her and bring her to my (small) home. That she has no one else in the world able to help is so sad and very telling. She has alienated everyone and burned every bridge and that is putting it nicely. It's heartbreaking.

Yes, I'm doing my best to breathe and make sure I eat.