The pain from hoovering

[Believer]

At first I felt so stupid for falling for it. With just one form of communication that had remained open, uNM reeled me in so slowly and then hit me with the big chaos that was bound to come. N's are the most clever type of evil. I've had to learn this over and over, apparently.

So, lately I've been doing a lot of reflecting while also (still!) worrying about uNM. I have some documents of saved communication from years back and I re-read them. Painful as it is, and slightly obsessed these days, I have been thinking about all of it. I needed to read it to remind myself that year after year, decade after decade, it's the same insane story.

I'm now in a state of such sadness. The recent hoover brought up so much crap and now I need to heal once again. I'm in weekly therapy again and it has been helpful. But every day I have to force myself to function. I'm taking things slower, not putting any extra pressure on myself. Getting more sleep. Trying to make sure I eat enough and properly. I just want to crawl up in a ball under the covers for an entire month.

This time around, it is truly the end because I cannot and will not go through this again. And what little relationship I had left with some family members is possibly gone as well. It's ok, but there is grief and sadness.

I'm on guard because there could be more flying monkeys. I've worked so hard to live in peace. I know this setback will pass.

The narcissistic abuse cycle really does not end for the N. It's taken me a lifetime to understand and see the patterns. Right now I feel like a shell of myself but I know that in time, with self care and the small number of people who know what I'm going through and support me fully, I will rise again. And I will be stronger, wiser, happier.

I don't know if I would have been born an empath regardless of my circumstances. But I feel such injury for anyone who has gone through the insidious abuse of an N. The flip side is the wisdom that comes from those experiences.

Peace.


"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

- Maya Angelou

[bloomie]

Believer - there is so much sorrow woven between your words and I am so sorry!

This time around, it is truly the end because I cannot and will not go through this again.

This is a powerful statement for your life! Coming to a place of what seems to be healthy hopelessness with your mom is a difficult thing to move through. Such a profound paradigm shift!

If it is any consolation at all...I don't think there is a single manipulative tactic that I have not fallen for (usually more than once) with loved ones whose behaviors and way they view the world is toxic for me. 

Like you, there came a time when I couldn't survive another round of chaos and being discarded. I only had enough strength to save myself and turn from the ruins of the relationships and heal. I no longer had enough strength to attempt to ever rebuild something with someone who didn't know how to even reasonably love me.

From the ruins will come a new beginning for you. When we finally accept what we cannot change and grieve I have found that in time we begin to experience something breaking open that feels an awful lot like freedom.

Keep taking it one step at a time and know you are not alone. Keep up that great self care and come back as you are able and share!

[moglow]

Sucky way to gain wisdom, but not so much when you consider the friends you have here with you as a result.

Ya know, there's not one thing wrong with curling up in that ball for a little while, finding your comfort. As an old friend told me when I was slogging through ugliness: Get up and bathed, every day. Wear whatever feels good, but do get dressed. Get out of the house at least once a day, and have some conversation [however mundane] with others. Eat something nutritious and eat something else because you want it. Drink plenty of water. Do one household chore that needs doing, for an hour. At the end of that hour decide what to do next, whether to continue that one or something else. And if you need to crawl back in that bed for a while, do that!

It's easy to get overwhelmed when you're there already but taking those baby steps will help, even with a step back here and there. I tend to think of it as a cha-cha or two-step, where I'm still at least moving forward and out of the bog.

[Believer]

Thank you so much bloomie and moglow. Yes, I'm taking baby steps and pretty much exactly what you described moglow.

The tears come without warning. Slogging through. Definitely a paradigm shift.

Grateful to come here and be heard.

[moglow]

And it's Valentine's Day, go get yourself something tempting. 😉

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Believer,

Being the child of a narcissistic parent is a hard thing. You wrote something so true "it's the same insane story". Emphasis on same. That's because the N parent doesn't change. It's been the same moves by them, since we were young. It's the same narcissism from them, over and over.

What changes is us. They can't change (or won't). You are changing. You're changing your relationship to the whole drama of it. And grief is a big part of that. Or at least it was for me as well.

Focus on what helps you to feel safe from those potential flying monkeys. I think the anxiety of worrying about an FM attack causes us a lot of extra stress during this part of the healing process. Anything you can do to feel safe from potential FM's (block their emails etc...) might help relieve some of the anxiety.

Hang in there,

Trees

[Believer]

Thank you Trees. Yes.

Decades ago I had hoped my uNM would redirect. But of course after all these years I know it's impossible. There are so many flash points of insanity throughout my entire life. Although they are painful memories, they are also helpful reminders to stay the course I'm on now, and have been working so hard to achieve for so long.

The latest very aggressive hoover, particularly at my unM's advanced age, was really stunning. I'm wondering if there is some dementia mixed in now as well.

Anyway, yes the anxiety is terrible. I'm terrified if my phone rings with an unknown number. My unM is clever and I feel like I'm constantly looking over my shoulder figuratively and literally.

But I get up each day and focus on how I want to be in the world.

Cheers.