Moving - returning mail to sender. Is it a "contact". Latest NC dilemna

[Sidney37]

I haven't been here in a while, but something has come up and I trust all of you to help me figure out what to do.  I've moved!!  It was a long time coming and it was the best thing I could have done for my C-PTSD.

Here's the question.  I followed everyone's advice and never returned any mail "to sender" for the 4-5 years that I have been NC because that would have been a "contact".  That included mail from my childhood church and local organizations/charities my parents were involved with.  They convinced me when we were totally enmeshed that I should donate money to these small charities they were actively involved with in my home town (where I haven't lived for 25 years) rather than charities in my community because people in my home town "needed the help more".    Now that I am years Out of the FOG I know that they had me donate there so they could get the attention, credit and thanks from the charities for my donations and they could brag that I was donating.  Talk about obvious NPD that I just couldn't' see when I was so enmeshed. 

Everyone said returning mail "to sender" was a contact so not to do it.  Well, now I've moved, all of those organizations got contacted by the postal service with my new address.    Apparently when you get your mail forwarded to your new address, the post office notifies the sender of your new address!!  So after not posting anything on social media about my move, not telling anyone but my closest friends that I was moving, not sending holiday cards with my new address, not allowing my realtor to post photos of us at our new front door on her social media... all of the small organizations my parents are involved with including their small church, have my new address.  That means THEY have my new address. They are on the little church newsletter committee.  They are close friends with the person who does the mailing for at least one of the small charities.  They will know I moved and have my new address. I'm kicking myself for not " returning that mail "to sender" for all of the organizations even though everyone recommended not to.

Should I care that they/my parents have my new address?  They used to claim they were going to show up to "resolve this" and I figured that would be much less likely if I had moved.  Should I now return these solicitations, newsletters, updates, etc. "to sender".  I was hoping that I'd just stop getting them once I moved like advertisements and catalogs for companies I don't care about, but now I'm getting these constant reminders of home/my PD family here at my new house.  Is it a "contact" to return mail to sender of a church, organization, charity my parents are actively involved with/officers of?  Should I just keep throwing them away?  I hate the reminder, but I didn't want to stir them up by having someone tell them or them see the envelope with "return to sender" written on it. 

What's the best way to remain NC and stop getting all of this mail?

[bloomie]

Sidney37 - hi there. I am sorry this is happening and understand well how disappointing it is to feel we have been able to shut the door on further contact only to find there is an open window we didn't know about.

I am wondering... could you contact these organizations via email, etc., and request to be removed from their mailing list bypassing your parents altogether? It won't take away the possibility that your parents now have your new address, but it could help with the reminders of them arriving at your mailbox on the regular.

Regarding return to sender and being NC in general: my view is it is different than sending return to sender mail back to the individuals (your parents) you are NC with and sending return to sender back to organizations. I don't see that as contact with your parents, but a way to avoid them 'seeing' your return to sender in this case you could email or phone.

Either way, you have every right to opt out of non profit organizations mailing or emailing you. I hope you will find the way that works best for you. Let us know how it is going. 

[moglow]

could you contact these organizations via email, etc., and request to be removed from their mailing list bypassing your parents altogether? It won't take away the possibility that your parents now have your new address, but it could help with the reminders of them arriving at your mailbox on the regular.

I second this! And no matter what their response may be, no one needs an explanation for your request. You did what you did while you did it, now you're not. What others choose to do with that information is not your stuff.

And no, this isn't breaking no contact. You're not contacting the parents, you're contacting senders of unwanted mail.

[Call Me Cordelia]

That's frustrating, I'm sorry. For me, it wouldn't matter so much about it being technical contact or not, as long as you were taking care of yourself. I'm sure it's normal for mass-mailing organizations to receive requests to remove someone from their list. I agree with Bloomie directly asking via email would possibly be more effective than the return to sender route. If you are no longer giving, sending you mail is merely a waste of their resources. If they get stirred up by a not-uncommon request.... Those are people with too much time on their hands. It's perfectly fine to wish to be removed from Save the Possums of Podunktown when you haven't lived there for 25 years. You're moving on and cheers to you!

[Rebel13]

This is frustrating!  I agree with Cordelia that you should handle the "return to sender" question however it works best for you.  I just wanted to add that there is a service from the Direct Marketing Association where you can opt out of getting bulk mailings:

https://consumer.ftc.gov/articles/how-stop-junk-mail

It takes a while to process this request, and it might mean you don't get mailings that you actually want, but if you don't care about that, it's a good option.

Good luck!

[lkdrymom]

What about writing on the news letter "no such person at this address" and putting it back in the mail.  It will make them think they sent it to the wrong person.

[Sidney37]

Hi all.  Thank you.  I've been reading over your suggestions.  I was hesitant to put "not at this address" for fear the post office would decide I wasn't actually here at this address and my real mail would go elsewhere.  I'm not sure I even got my usual Christmas cards this year.  The new people at my old house might have marked them return to sender.  I don't want to miss any fun mail!   

I thought about contacting the church and some of the charities but they are friends with the secretaries and volunteers at these places.  I definitely didn't want to call.  I might get one of their friends or them on the phone!

Bloomie - It definitely was one of those not expected open windows when I thought I had closed the door.  Being in a new house that they had never been in (and won't) was such a stress reducer.  This mail threw me for a loop for sure.

Moglow - You are right.  It is to an organization not them.  That does make a difference.

Cordelia - Yes, it feels like taking care of myself is more important than the contact.  And returning it and removing myself from the list is taking care of myself.  I hated the mostly reminders when the mail arrived in the box.

So... here's what I did that not only took care of myself, but brought me some unexpected joy!!  These past few years of therapy are paying off!! 

I ordered several "return to sender" stamps.  One is just return to sender, one was return to sender/remove from mailing list and one was just my new return address.  When I was a kid, my great aunt had a drawer of stamps and stamp pads for herself and an organization she was the secretary of.  I was dying to use them and stamp papers and envelopes just for fun.  Nope.  My aunt was strict, mean and probably one of the other PD family members.  You could only use those stamps for their purpose and they had to be stamped carefully and straight on the envelopes. No crooked stamping.    

Well, I got these self inking stamps this week and I was like a little kid.  I stamped the envelopes on the front and back and not straight.  I stamped some mail of mine before I tossed it in the recycling.  I stamped some of my husband's work papers that he didn't need.  I think this is the inner child work they talk about in therapy and boy was it fun!  So yes, thank you all for your help.  It was just the answer I needed.  I took care of myself and felt good about it.  Waiting to see if there is a response from any of the nosey possibly flying monkeys back in my old home town. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

I love it, Sidney! Way to turn around a stressful thing into a positive.

[Rebel13]

Well, I got these self inking stamps this week and I was like a little kid.  I stamped the envelopes on the front and back and not straight.  I stamped some mail of mine before I tossed it in the recycling.  I stamped some of my husband's work papers that he didn't need.  I think this is the inner child work they talk about in therapy and boy was it fun!  So yes, thank you all for your help.  It was just the answer I needed.  I took care of myself and felt good about it.  Waiting to see if there is a response from any of the nosey possibly flying monkeys back in my old home town. 

This is truly awesome.

[NarcKiddo]

I just loved reading about you doing all that stamping!

[Generic_Username]

Well, I got these self inking stamps this week and I was like a little kid.  I stamped the envelopes on the front and back and not straight.  I stamped some mail of mine before I tossed it in the recycling.  I stamped some of my husband's work papers that he didn't need.  I think this is the inner child work they talk about in therapy and boy was it fun! 

I couldn't help but grin when I read this. I hope that the stamps (and maybe emails) have worked their magic and you're not getting any more postal reminders!

[Sidney37]

Thanks all.  I'm still getting a few and I stamped again this week.  I'm not sure they know yet and maybe they won't.  It certainly makes me feel better.