Grieving and Trying to Adjust

[nightbird2012]

I have decided to go NC with my BP DD. She has had two children taken from her by CPS, in two different states, over the past twelve years. I helped her fight for her third, who is now 3 years old. Last year she moved back to where her first child was taken from her soon after birth. She has been through multiple case workers, programs, domestic violence shelters, and through it all I have paid cell phone bills, storage bills, (she lost the storage contents anyway) and Uber taxi rides. She is currently being threatened with eviction yet again. I sent her links for legal aid, advocacy (she is disabled) and have tried to be a source of emotional support.

My health is poor. One thing that broke my heart was not ever meeting two of my grandchildren. I have met the current one only once and was horrified at the hours that were being kept and the quality of life the baby was experiencing, overall. Using the tools on this site, I had begun to distance myself from the constant drama and money demands, the constant attention seeking, and her constant crisis making. I had begun to limit time on the phone from hours to minutes. She began to push harder for my time, hoovering and fogging hard. I had begun to set boundaries. We had a few duo calls with the grandchild, but I felt the need to keep myself distant from it all, in case CPS stepped in and took her too. I am sure you can all relate to that feeling of your heart in your throat when that phone rings and you have to hear about the latest crisis, and being powerless to do much about it.

The decision to go NC came last Saturday. I had been feeling worse than usual with recurring symptoms that exhaust me and leave me in a great deal of pain. She called and put my granddaughter on the phone without speaking to me first. I had to cut the call short. DD took the phone and began to scold me, as my granddaughter cried in the background. I couldn't get a word in. I had been going to set up a time for a Duo call the next day when I hoped to be feeling better, but her verbal attack was too much, so I hung up. If I hadn't been feeling so out of it I wouldn't have answered the second time, but I did. She then proudly announced that my granddaughter never wanted to speak to me again. A three year old, mind you. This was clearly meant to hurt and punish me.

I fell into the JADE trap, and then ended up hanging up on her again. This time, I blocked her number. While it has been peaceful, not seeing her number on the caller ID and having to brace myself for the next drama session, I feel that it needed to happen. I am not getting any younger. I have already had to release any expectation that we will ever have a normal relationship, or that I will be able to be with my granddaughter in a significant way. I feel the powerful guilt, that I am turning my back on her and her child, but all that I have been able to do for her is to allow the verbal abuse, answer the demands for money and attention, and for her to waste my time and my precious energy. 

I am grieving but it is time to cut the cord. She will continue to spin her wheels in the rut that she has made, she will continue to blame everyone else for her shortcomings, and to use her child to hurt me. I shudder to think of how this child will turn out. I wanted so much for my little girl. I wanted her to be happy, successful, sheltered and fed. I can do nothing more for her, and must detach with love. But I am grieving. Thanks for reading. 

[moglow]

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how painful this must be for you. You know this already - but that three year old said nothing of the sort. That's the words and behavior of an adult toddler lashing out, not the baby.

Please do whatever you need for good self care while you work through this.

[notrightinthehead]

I am so sorry. Sending you a big hug!

[losingmyself]

You are right to take care of yourself. Adding my hugs to the rest!