My first flying monkey!!

[LavenderLime]

I received a strange call today. I don't usually answer the phone if it's not someone I know, but when she started speaking, she said she was a nurse at a medical center near where my mom lives. So I picked it up during the message, thinking there was a medical situation. It turns out, this nurse is my mom's neighbor. She said my mom didn't know she was calling, but had my number in case there was an emergency.  This woman starts telling me how I really need to call my mom, how she is worried about her state of mind, how I'm her only child and it's in the Bible that we need to love our parents. I told her that I hoped that she was encouraging my mother to get some help and that there were many things that she didn't know about our relationship. I thanked her for her concern and ended the call after 10-15 min. of her trying to get me to commit to calling.   My young adult sons were there watching me through this and couldn't believe it!

I haven't responded to an email that she sent a week or two ago with the theme of "why haven't you called" "you are upset with me" "I don't ask for much" "you're my only family". I just haven't felt like responding. I don't want to call. She says we used to be so close and doesn't understand what happened. Umm, no, we haven't been close and she still treats me like I'm 16 instead of in my 40s.

I'm so angry that I picked up the phone for this woman!! She may have meant well, but I can't imagine calling someone's daughter and telling her she needs to call her mother because her mother is on the verge of a breakdown.  Actually, just writing this, I recall my stepfather and grandmother acting in a similar flying monkey style, so maybe this wasn't my first    but this was someone I have never met before. Ugh!

[Starboard Song]

Welcome to the club.

What I have come to believe is that (1) most flying monkeys are innocent, and that (2) they are nonetheless very hurtful.

What I mean by innocent is this: outside of the world of, say, personality disorders and substance abuse, most family breakdowns could use a little flexibility, compromise, forgive-and-forget. Family cohesion is critically important to our society, and to our seniors at the end of lives. So in normal situations, this neighbor would be engaging in a bold act of compassion, though it is admittedly a bit aggressive in this case.

Within our weird world of PDs, everything is turned upside down. We are 5 years NC from my in-laws. As far as I am concerned, they have a son who can help them when they need help, or they can buy their help: I will never be there for them. And if someone called me to tell me I needed to forgive and forget, it would spring up the old guilt and doubt feelings, and I'd spin so many cycles feeling hurt. So I am totally with you. I just will try to not add to the anger and hurt of the universe by feeling angry at the (possibly) Good Samaritan.

Most of us ourselves took years or decades to go NC, and we know these people best. I can't fault someone on the fringes for not getting it after a few conversations. There are of course fully knowing, reallio trulio evil flying monkeys. They simply aren't on our sides, and are acting maliciously for another. Those people do exist. I agree.

I wish for you the strength to remember that you made your choices for Good and Decent reasons, and they haven't changed. There is no need to re-litigate that in your head. Spending 10 to 15 minutes with this neighbor was more than gracious. Good luck letting this go and fall behind you.

Be good. Be strong.

[LavenderLime]

Thank you for understanding what I'm saying.  Your response is so beautifully written!

[Psuedonym]

LavenderLime,

The face I made when reading your post was  In my opinion, this nurse/neighbor is someone with zero boundaries and unhealed issues of her own. Anyone with any sense of boundaries would say to themselves, 'is it my place to butt into a situation I know very little about, to call a woman I've never met and tell her what SHE should do in part based on MY religious beliefs and in part by what an unreliable narrator told me?'

...and it would take them about three seconds come to the conclusion that no, no they should not do that.

I'm really sorry that happened to you. I will give you an example of a healthy response to a very similar situation that happened to me shortly after uPD M died.

I too got a call from a lady I'd never met (but knew of at least) from a number I didn't know. This lady, I will call her E, didn't know of my mother's death and was calling to see if she was okay. I told her the news, and after a few minutes of discussing that she said 'I know your mother and you weren't talking' and I thought...'ooh boy, here we go.' This lady said the reason she had my number was because M had given it to her so she could call me and basically deliver the message you got. Instead, this wise lady said to M (paraphrasing here): I have seen what you're like and I only can imagine what that's like at your worst. I'm sure you think that none of this is your fault, but if you want to mend things with your daughter then you can start by calling and apologizing to her because I can guarantee you you've done things that are hurtful and your daughters view of the situation is just as relevant as yours."

Of course my M did not take this advice.

This is the call you deserved to get and I'm sorry you got this bullshit instead. So I'll say it instead. This is a person who either has bad character judgement, can easily be bullied into doing things they shouldn't, someone with a holier-than-thou complex, or some combination of those things. Just like with the PDs in your life, this says more about her than it does about you and your situation.



PS, here's a great article about people who can't seem to MYOB: https://www.elitedaily.com/life/why-you-need-to-mind-your-own-business

[Liketheducks]

I seriously had a flying monkey attack from a cousin who is actually a behavioral therapist who specializes in PTSD.     She told me that M didn't know I was calling and that she couldn't stand how I could treat my mother so badly.   I had a little panic attack and cry over it....and blocked her.   Flying monkeys NEVER get the full story from the PD manipulating them.    They just see someone they care about firmly in the victim position of the drama triangle and are in the dark about how that "victim" own choices keep them in that position. 
Hang in there.   Let go of worrying about what the flying monkey thinks about you.    Easier said than done for adult survivors of this type of childhood abuse.     Take care of yourself.   

[lotusblume]

Flying monkeys are always, either:  unhealthy people who need to rescue and are codependent/fixer/rescuers who don't have good boundaries and end up lacking empathy for you on their quest to solve someone else's problem (which is the breakdown of the relationship with you)
OR
People who spend their time gossiping and are generally quite shallow and not at all self-aware
OR
Abusive people themselves.

In fact, it could be anywhere on that spectrum. I used to be in the first category. I played flying monkey for one of my parents whose sibling wasn't talking to them, blindly taking my fathers side and imposing my view of the situation on my uncle to bring the family together, since my father was playing victim. It gave me an ego boost to think I was such a good person, going along trying to fix my dads relationship with his estranged brother, and at once trampling on the wishes of my uncle, meddling where I had no place. (In the fog)

The next two kind of enablers/monkeys slide more from unhealthy behaviour towards malignant behaviour.

All three kinds are enablers and unhealthy, and all three kinds merit this statement, whether said out loud or with no words at all:

"This is none of your business!"

[moglow]

I've had a painfully similar call to the one described by LavenderLime, and mine was none of the three situations as described by Lotusblume above. My mother well and truly uses others when it suits her purposes and I'm fairly certain this woman had no clue she was being used.

Mother is devious and can be incredibly charming when she wants to be. She'll play the victim or martyr without batting an eye. She'll paint a sad tale that makes any and everyone around her look bad, and it's entirely believable!

A few years back when her cell phone was still blocked, my mother got her neighbor to call me (I've never met or spoken with this person!) and ask me to call my mother back "on her cell phone." I told the neighbor that mother and I had just spoken on the phone and i'd have to call her at home later. "Oh - well she's insisting that you call on her cell phone ..." I understand, please tell mother I'll call her shortly. I called mother's home phone, left a message when she didnt answer. Within just a few minutes my phone rang again from that previously unknown number - it was mother calling from her neighbor's phone, sweetly demanding to know why I hadn't called *her*/mother's cell as requested. [This was after years of "discussion"- read tantrums- on mother's part. She knew her cell was blocked and if told her exactly why when I blocked it.] I'm fairly sure she ran this one right in front of the neighbor, thinking I'd cave in to her whining to save face. Nope.

I couldn't believe she'd drag this person into mother's self-induced drama, and told mother so. An hour or so later the neighbor called me again, apologized for having upset me. I told her flat out that my mother owed her an apology for dragging her off in that silliness. She knew her phone was blocked and knows exactly why. Her home phone works just fine and she knew that too. Neighbor insisted, mother had told her that she couldn't reach me. Wrong again, but I see this for what it is.

That was an innocent flying monkey, operating at mother's request. She didn't have ulterior motives as far as I knew, and if she did I didn't care to know them.

[lotusblume]

That's a great example of an innocent bystander moglow, thanks for sharing that.

You're right, my assessment had some blind spots!

I'm pretty bitter about having flying monkeys around all the time and it's hard to discern if any of them truly are innocent.

[LavenderLime]

Thank you all so much for your words of support! It really helps to know that others truly understand it and that I'm not crazy, selfish, uncaring or horrible.  Your examples and comments help me rise above the guilt!

[Starboard Song]

Rise above the guilt!