When all that's left is the petty stuff

[TriedTooHard]

Does anybody struggle with this with uNPDs?  Especially the ignoring types?  I am struggling because after years of LC/MC and grey rock, I'm taking a stand on issues, but these issues are petty compared to the physical/emotional/financial abuse and neglect of my childhood. 

I don't have much to do with these people, but because I was still connected with a lot in their circle, I was hearing about it - the botched invitations, the snide remarks, etc. 

The last thing that upset me was seeing my uNPD FOO selling a deceased relative's hobby items on an online yard sale site for a very small amount of money.  My uNPD FOO is not poor.  Years ago, when the relative died, I asked for the items for my young son, who is the only one in the family that likes this hobby.  We were told yes,we could have them when they found the items.  Knowing my place in the FOO, I backed off and gently reminded them from time to time, but eventually gave up. 

Maybe I'm being too hard on myself for being delayed in dealing with the more serious issues of my youth. 

[SunnyMeadow]

All the petty things I see with my mother added up to big things for me. I guess because they look petty but are meant to slap you upside the head.

As far as your FOO selling the hobby items instead of passing them on to your son as they said they would, how terrible of them! To me that's not petty, it's a direct hit to you.

Thank goodness you don't have much to do with them. They aren't worth your time or energy.

Have you been seeing a therapist to work through your childhood abuse and neglect? I've been debating if I should find a T or not. Some days I feel I can do it on my own, other days I think it may be helpful.

[TriedTooHard]

Thanks SunnyMeadow.  I have seen a therapist for my childhood issues.  The right one, in combination with on-line resources and  face to face support groups have been helpful. 

I tried ineffective therapy about 30 years ago that slowed my healing.  15 years ago, as the internet started opening up a whole new world of information, I went back to therapy and more effectively stated my needs.  I went on and off for about 10 years.  If the on line resources and face to face support groups of today were available 30 years ago, I don't think I would have needed that much T. 

I recently stopped all the self help and self care.  It lead to my recent set back with uPD FOO.  I thought of going back to T, but self help, self care, and support groups seem like what I need now.

I encourage you to take advantage of all the resources available, you are worth it!  Having the validation of someone knowledgeable about the subject, with a license and an advance degree, works wonders!   

[Dinah-sore]

I like what SunnyMeadow said, it is these things that seem petty but they hit hard, because they were MEANT TO. I face the same thing sometimes, to other people who don't understand abuse they don't see how a little thing can hurt so bad. I think the thing though is that we have been conditioned to read subtle messages, so we know that we were supposed to feel hurt, slighted, insulted, overlooked, not valuable, etc.

Please continue to care for yourself. You are not alone. <3

[LifeIsWorthLiving]

Family know what will hurt you the most, so they do things that seem petty to most people , but might be really devastating to you. My mom makes a big deal about giving gifts and sending birthday cards. You know if you are in her good graces or not by the price of the gift. I don't care about the gift in the sense of material value and don't need money from her, but I can tell she is sending a message when she gives a cheap gift or fails to send a birthday card. Since it is so petty it would be pointless to mention it to anyone. They would just assume I am ungrateful or greedy. Her most recent thing has been to gift clothing that is way too big or send grandkids toys that are completely inappropriate for their age (toddler toys for a 9 year old and choking hazards for the toddler). Someone once asked me if I think she is suffering dementia. I highly doubt it. She has been doing this sort of thing for decades. She just changes which kid she hates at any given time and passive aggressively punishes them.

So no, I don't think you are petty. This is systematic abuse that has probably gone on for your entire life. It is wrong and you don't deserve to be treated that way.