a different pace

[Pepin]

I've been simmering for some time -- could be me approaching mid life crisis, idk...but I feel like because I have spent so much TIME in my life on self care and rebuilding the foundation I never had, that I might be a little bit behind?  Some of my peers have been working toward big career goals and making transitions in their lives that will coast them into both retirement and beyond.  They have firm roots in the community and a presence for having participated when called upon.  Uh....

I haven't had the time nor the headspace to attempt any of that.     I have become a day at a time survivor.  If I can make it to the end of the day on comfortable terms, I have succeeded -- and for the most part, I was content with that.

But now I feel as though I have missed out on so much.  I cannot make up for some things.  And while I know that every day I can start anew, when I look back over all the days, what have I accomplished other than staying grounded?   

The last number of my years have essentially been spent in self care.  That doesn't mean a thing to the community, the town I live in or my neighborhood.  I am viewed as a nice person that keeps to themselves.  I take care of what I have and I am a good listener to anyone that asks me to listen.

I worry as I age that opportunities will dwindle.  Many of my peers have long histories with each other....and I don't have the courage to jump in and be a newbie.

In my youth I knew my family was different and messed up....and I desperately wanted to fit in and be accepted.  As a wife and mom I also for some time wanted to fit in.  And then I said screw it because I just couldn't relate to anyone and just let go of everything and focused on myself, my marriage and my kids.   

As a soon to be empty nester, now I want to somehow fit in with my peers.  But I realize how exhausting an undertaking it is!  I don't know if I have the strength or the energy to do this.  I have a few friends but we actually don't have a lot in common!  My past and ongoing self care has kept me from opening up as much as I want to.  I get tired easily in any sort of group setting....and I think it is because people around me just are not like me!

Nature has kept me going outside of everyday life.  I also enjoy having a dog in my life very much.   

It never occurred to me that self care would be so time consuming.  Sometimes it feels like one step forward, two steps back.  I dealt with my abuser for 30+ years and there have been others that I have had to deal with as well in the last number of years.  While I have been NC for quite some time with my childhood abuser, it still hasn't seemed like enough time -- especially since they are still alive and find ways around the NC.  The other emotional abusers I cannot remove from my life and it has gotten to the point where the tiniest thing really becomes an annoying trigger.  I feel like I am watching my abusers with binoculars....making sure that I can set a boundary or escape before they cause harm.   

IDK....I apologize if this is a lot of rambling.  It isn't really a rant or a question.  I think I am frustrated that while I am moving on with my life, it is a bit different than those around me.    

[Amadahy]

Hi Pepin!
Very insightful post. I am 50 years old and live in a town with lots of extroverted activist type folk (who I admire).

Through my 30s, I too, was in the thick of things — busy, busy! When I reached my 40s, I sort of crashed. Seemingly suddenly, I felt the generations of trauma before me and I was beyond exhausted. It was all I could do to mother my kids, work and just roll out of bed each day.

Finally, late 40s and passively suicidal, I began practicing self-knowing and self-care. I utilize energy and alternative healing, have an awesome counselor and exist in the woods behind my home most days. I'm sure it doesn't look very active, but I'm healing a broken heart and recovering from c-ptsd due to Nmom's abuse.  Lots of same aged friends, as you say, seem to be at a different place, one more widely lauded by our society, but I am just so thankful to finally begin to know who I am that I just give myself lots of grace and space.

Somewhat related to your post is an article about friendship that I found helpful. Perhaps you will find value in it as you navigate your healing and pace. 😊 https://medium.com/@joshuaburkhart/traumatic-bonding-why-relationships-fall-apart-1abbb6c2b9ca

[Free2Bme]

Thank you Amadahy , very timely for me to read this today :
"Somewhat related to your post is an article about friendship that I found helpful. Perhaps you will find value in it as you navigate your healing and pace. 😊 https://medium.com/@joshuaburkhart/traumatic-bonding-why-relationships-fall-apart-1abbb6c2b9ca"

Ouch    ....... I see a bit of this article in myself  - not so much a need to monopolize another persons' time, just a desire to "go-deep", and it ends up feeling superficial.   


Oh Pepin... you are not rambling,  I can relate to much of what you articulated, and I too find the outdoors to be medicinal, and my pet menagerie. 
Sometimes it's hard to measure ourselves against where we would have hoped to have been vs. reality, then when we take inventory of the limitations of life ...    Yours' is a success story, as you said.  You possess an inner strength to survive 30+ years in addition to maintaining NC, I'm guessing there is at least one person that would benefit from your wisdom and experience, is there someone you could mentor?  If that is not a good fit, then stay close here. 

[1footouttadefog]

Perhaps these folks around you are aquantences and not peers.

If you have a hard time connecting or feel you have to try hard or feel the need to tire your self out to fit in with them maybe they are not as close a match as they seem on the surface.

I would seek out opportunities to interact with people who have more in common.   

As far as worrying about where you are in life, I can relate.  I felt very behind after coming Out of the FOG.  Like decades of time I should have been progressing in life  had been spent in survival mode and merely keeping afloat.

I have for the most part grieved that time and am happy to plan a future starting where I am now.

Some people are traveling on wider smoother roads than I am, however some of the tough rocky paths have the best vistas and people have great experiences while traveling them, even of they get a late start.  I imagine I am hiking in the Alps while some who have had it easier are driving one way streets in a crowded urban downtown.  Sure they are in a BMW with A.C. bit I am going to see the Matterhorn soon, and I enjoy hearing cowbells and seeing wildflowers, and buyj fresh cheese  while I struggle along the path. 

And things are not always as they seem in the other person's life anyway.

To have found ways to "experience" life
and luxury in the everyday activities. Like cooking.  Just a few dollars a week properly spent can upgrade our meals from blah to gourmet and learning to cook ethnic cuisines with my kids is a super experience we all benefit from. 

Homebaked goods, fresh from scratch meals, hot baths, good music, learning new things, trying new hobbies that don't require an upfront investment have all been beneficial to me in feeling caught up.

For example cheese making is a micro hobby I started into with a gallon of milk, and a plain Greek yogurt cup.  Sushi making cost a box or bag of sushi rice and a bamboo mat. The rest was regular grocery items. 

There are groups for almost any hobby and you can meet people at the meetings.  My DD and I are attending a mushroom lecture in another town soon.  I like the idea of going foraging with a group and having my findings inspected by experts afterwards. 

Keep getting out there and find what and who brings you joy. I hope you start your journey right now  where you are and enjoy it with out looking back.