He Showed Up

[Hepatica]

I am NC with my uNPD father going on one year now. At the weekend I was returning home with my Dh and parking the car in the driveway. I turned around and there was my old father standing on my driveway right behind me. It was really strange. I thought it was a vision, not something real. In the moment I prepared myself for something and I went into deep calm and stared at him. I can't remember what he said but within minutes he was telling me about his very bad back.

I just stared at him and listened. That's all I ever do really, is stare at him and listen. If I have ever shared anything about myself it is analyzed by him and there is never any indication of love or care. It really is a strangely loveless family, that requires roles to be filled and duty, minus the compassion.

I too have suffered a terrible back but I've been better for over a year now. I have back supports in my car and I reached inside the car and gave him one. He said thank you and said he should go and then he left and was gone.

I felt strong for the first time in my life, like a woman who was not going to take any more from him or anyone in the family. If they had ever wanted to know and solve the distance that's developed between us, they would lovingly ask and lovingly listen. They would let me explain and really try to understand. If I've ever tried to share anything about the rifts that have developed, my feelings are met with control and attempts to reframe how I view things, basically a management of my point of view. For them to allow me my boundaries and my feelings means they would have to accept that their behaviour is stressful and abnormal and at times it is passive aggressive and cruel.

I felt in the moment, standing in that driveway that my eyes conveyed my strength, and me offering him the back support was me saying I will not sink to your level. I will remain kind. All I really feel is great sadness for my family's unwillingness to take a genuine look at themselves. Instead it is easier for them to paint me the unstable, mean one. It should not all be on me to carry the role of broken one and spend years and thousands of dollars on therapy. It's their turn to take some responsibility for looking at their own behaviour.

[SunnyMeadow]

What an odd visit that must have been but it sounds like you got through it the best you could. So very typical that after not seeing you for a year, he turns the conversation to his bad back. It's always me, me, me.

Sounds like you reacted from a place of strength and kindness. Well done Hepatica!   

[Hepatica]

SunnyMeadow, thank you for reminding me how they always bring it back to them and their issues. Always. This is after he did something incredibly cruel this year which I do not want to go into because I fear the specifics online might identify who I am to family members who actually might be on these boards.

I wish, wish, wish there were twelve step groups for survivors like us, because I need to be "righted" at times as I was lost for a bit in this sense of feeling sorry for him, like the gaze into the eyes of the python. Why do I seem to get amnesia to how cruel he was, even in this past year? Wow. I am strong, but I'm not quite strong enough. Getting there though, thanks to reminders to keep my wits about me.

[blacksheep7]

[quote author=Hepatica link=topic=89657.msg765844#msg765844 date=1634734694

I wish, wish, wish there were twelve step groups for survivors like us, because I need to be "righted" at times as I was lost for a bit in this sense of feeling sorry for him, like the gaze into the eyes of the python. Why do I seem to get amnesia to how cruel he was, even in this past year? Wow. I am strong, but I'm not quite strong enough. Getting there though, thanks to reminders to keep my wits about me.
[/quote]

I agree that it would be a great idea to have twelve step groups for survivors like us.
What about CoDa (Co-dependents) groups?  They are based on dysfunctional relationships. 

I think that you were very strong to not reply or react.  You would have not been able to be stronger than that, imo.  Not sure that I would have had the same reaction. Then again, we never know how we are going to react to a spontaneous encounter.

[Boat Babe]

The spontaneous encounter thing. Happened last Friday. Party in town, walked in and saw him almost immediately. The guy who brought me to this board three years ago. After a very short jolt I was able to briefly, politely greet him and move swiftly on. No feelings whatsoever. No FOG either.

Hepatica, I'm so proud of you. You handled that so we'll, with grace and compassion.   .

[moglow]

I was lost for a bit in this sense of feeling sorry for him, like the gaze into the eyes of the python. Why do I seem to get amnesia to how cruel he was, even in this past year? Wow. I am strong, but I'm not quite strong enough.

May I rephrase that for you? I think you responded with who YOU are, that it wasn't about him at all? None of us are all one or the other, good or bad, etc. We're many many shades of gray within. You showed the compassionate person you are - you saw something you might be able to help and offered it without hesitation or a need for payback. THAT is strength!

[TwentyTwenty]

Congratulations on handling the unexpected visit on your terms! I'm not sure I would have been able to, so maybe it's a good thing that we live in a guard-gated community lol.

Just because I also have some back issues, what kind of support do you use?

[Hepatica]

Thank you everyone for being so supportive, as always.

TwentyTwenty - I got them from the automobile association. They are elastic, netted things, that support the lower back and fit into the shape of the car seat. I don't know if that explains it, but I'm sure a medical or orthopedic supply store would have something??