Recovering people pleaser

[Spirit in the sky]

I wanted to write a positive post because I am very grateful to everyone who has taken time to reply to my cries for help.

I've always been a people pleaser, I know it comes from being the Adult child of two dysfunctional parents. I've struggled with self sacrificing my whole life, I've been the victim of narcissistic abuse at the hands of my nMIL for 18 years.

It's only within the last few years I made the connection between my childhood trauma and how my nmil's behaviour effected me. I was suffering from low self esteem, anxiety, depression, I felt empty and numb inside.

I have been hiding my feelings all my life, and I hide the narcissistic abuse, I knew she had abused my hubby since childhood but he wasn't ready to open his eyes to the truth. Six months ago an incident wit his stepfather was a catalyst for major change, we decided to go low contact with his mother.

It gave us both time to evaluate our feelings and we started becoming more and more aware of the nightmare we had been living in for years. We are now no contact and my NMIL hasn't taken it well, to put it mildly. I have always be terrified of her and upsetting her to the point I was ill if I spent time on her company.

When she turned up yelling at my house something in me finally snapped and I knew I would never be free until I faced my fear. I've never stood up for myself, so I texted her and told her I had enough, I'm done, I felt my own power.

I felt like a prisoner who had been freed, like seeing the daylight after being in the darkness. I know it's not going to be an easy ride but I'm prepared to fight for my right to live the life I want. There is hope, if I can finally break free from the chains at 47 anyone can.

Knowing I wasn't alone and sharing my thoughts here has been a blessing. I'm taking control of my own future, she may still try and poison me with her toxic behaviour, but I truly believe I have the courage to defend myself because I know I am worthy of happiness and inner peace.

[P&K]

You are most definitely worth it! I'm so glad to hear how empowered you are feeling, that step can be a real challenge.
Cheering you on, you are not alone!

[Spirit in the sky]

You are most definitely worth it! I'm so glad to hear how empowered you are feeling, that step can be a real challenge.
Cheering you on, you are not alone!

Thanks P&K

I still have moments when I wonder if NC is the right thing. The old fear feelings creep up on me when I'm not looking and I start overthinking. Thankfully most of the time I'm positive and I know I needed to do something, I couldn't stay trapped in victim mode. I just feel we are always waiting for nmil's next move, which is unsettled.

[GentleSoul]

Fabulous post, Spirit in the Sky.

Very well done.  I love what you say about could not remain trapped in victim mode.

I am a recovering people pleaser too. 

[Spirit in the sky]

Thanks Gentle Soul,

Most days I'm ok but occasionally I still feel guilty and wonder if we were too harsh. Should we have continued vlc, could we have found a compromise, as there is still a fear of bumping into NMIL.

It's my birthday soon and I wonder if she will make contact, I don't want her to but I suspect she might use it as an excuse, or maybe I have been written off completely. I'm sure my hubby is going through a grieving process which he doesn't admit, to be honest I think he's running away from the problem and not confronting it or his mother. But that's his choice.

So many unanswered questions and I do feel nc isn't achieveable long term, I'm waiting on things to find their level.