Needing support in replying to recent text from parent

Lisa · July 17, 2020, 04:15:35 PM

Hi All!
I have been reflecting a lot on my growing up experiences (what I can remember) and current adult relationship with my Mom. I believe that she sees me only as an extension of herself and that she prefers to have enmeshed boundaries and also triangulates, gossips and says not nice things to one sibling against the other. She often says she can't wait for me to have children as pay back for how awful I was to her and in hopes of my children being mean to me. Whatever I do is never enough, no matter how accomplished etc. I can also never do enough in terms of being close in relationship with her, earlier this year she told me I am her "home" and that is why she misses me so much- emotional incest?

My current struggle that has brought me here for support is this.
I have not seen her since Christmas due to COVID (and she lives in a different city), during this time she has never texted to ask how my week is/my day/work/my family etc. We have not spoken on the phone since I called her at the beginning of May, she has not tried calling me.
On Monday she sent a text "Hello my dearest daughter. I would like to see you, can that be arranged". I have not responded yet. Later in the day she sent a picture of how high the water levels are at home. I knew this was a way to get me to respond so she could ask about seeing me again and I wasn't ready to talk about that.
Fast forward to last night, three days without me responding and she sends me this "Hi.. Your dear mother once again. If I may be blunt, why aren't you responding to me. If I have offended/hurt you, you need to let me know. There is a growing distance between us that I don't understand and I want to know why. So please reach out to me. I love you mom xoxoxoxoxo".

I am at a loss how to respond and feeling a lot of different emotions.
I could not respond
I could respond and give a few honest reasons why there is a growing distance
I could respond and point out she also hasn't been contacting me
I could respond and point out she is only saying this because I didn't respond to a message she sent a few days earlier.

I am sure there would be a few more ways I could respond.

Really just wanting to talk to some people who understand.

Thanks

treesgrowslowly · July 17, 2020, 07:26:10 PM

Hello,

Welcome to this site. There is a lot of info and support to be shared here together.

What is it that you would like to say? There is an area on this site for unsent letters. Or you can simply write out what you would like to say to her. And see if that helps you to see that by now you probably know what she will say to you if you say x. I'm not suggesting you say the things to her that you write.

The section on JADE on this website is really helpful regarding communication patterns with many PDs. You don't want to get into an argument with her. My guess is you have been down that road a lot already.

I have lost count of how many times I was told I had to tell my mother what she did wrong.

I remember how many different emotions it brought up in me. I am sorry you are dealing with this and I am glad you found this forum. Your post makes a lot of sense to me. I was nodding the whole time I read it.

I hope you feel welcome here.

Trees

Lisa · July 17, 2020, 07:46:11 PM

Thank you so much for your words and I am headed over to check out "jade" now!

FromTheSwamp · July 17, 2020, 07:59:00 PM

"Not being able to travel and visit with friends and family is wearing on me too. This pandemic is so awful - it has messed up so many things we took for granted. I wish we could make plans but it's just not possible right now. Try to stay strong! Thinking of you."

Added: The nice thing about messaging is that it gives me time to come up with a response that skips over all the drama they are trying to stir up. I like to answer like I'm talking to a sane person. Also, you'll notice I didn't actually say I wanted to make plans with her, just that I wanted to be able to make plans. It helps my sanity to tell the truth as often as I possibly can.

BefuddledClarity · July 18, 2020, 01:07:44 AM

Hi there and welcome!

Did you respond to her?

I've been in a similar spot, had bad anxiety since junior high to college---especially college. Used to get panic attacks when I saw my parents creeping on campus.

Now that I'm 1,000+ kilometers away and have my own family...I've gained more confidence and don't care what they think.

To be honest, I blocked my mother and pretty much ghosted her and my father doesn't call or text me. She tends to love-bomb via text and if I didn't answer when she wanted me too, she'd act childish and say "I bet so-and-so doesn't treat their mother like this!!"

I've only ever engaged with her if I do see her in person, and I call her out now.

Thru the Rain · July 18, 2020, 02:49:42 AM

This is a tough one. No outreach from her for a few months, then a flurry of texts with a sense of an emotional escalation with each text.

I know the PDs in my family are having a hard time distinguishing between "I'm staying away for health reasons" or "You live in a city far away and travel is difficult now" with "You're staying away because [insert emotional response here - you don't love me, you've abandoned me, you're offended and hurt]"

So maybe your M is having a similar reaction. "needingsupport hasn't visited, she must be feeling offended/hurt". Only I would layer in the likelihood that it's actually your M who is offended and hurt (at your mean refusal to risk your health to visit her during a pandemic) and is projecting this negative feeling back onto you.

The projecting relieves her of the responsibility of dealing with her "offended and hurt" feelings (by attributing them to you). And she's putting you in a position where communications are now negatively, emotionally charged. This is a form of bullying in my opinion.

I suspect she's hoping for an emotionally charged response from you, and maybe even a fight. Based on my own interactions with my uPDM, she wants you to fawn over her, to dance attendance, to reassure her and make her feel better. But she might be just as happy with some confirmation that you have negative feelings toward her - giving her an opportunity to be the aggrieved victim.

So how to respond.

I agree you could just ignore this mess.

You could play it straight and ignore just the latest message with something like "I got your texts. I'm/we're fine here. Not traveling due to covid-19. Wow that's a lot of water."

I tried to think of a way to respond to the last text in a way that doesn't suck you into a draining and nasty emotional exchange with your M. The whole string of texts from her is just so manipulative. Maybe something like, "regarding your most recent text, I don't always respond to texts immediately. If you want to have a real-time discussion, you should call instead of texting." (Unless you don't want her to call, in which case leave off the last sentence.)

I wouldn't offer her the cookie she wants out of this, which is for you to tie yourself in a verbal knot reassuring her that you're not angry/upset/offended, that everything is OK.

Lisa · July 18, 2020, 07:51:18 AM

I have not responded yet. This is new to me as I would often react and respond right away, I now have awareness of this. I am trying to take some space to reflect on her chain of messages and really think through how I want to respond. Your words are really hitting home and I can see how this could be manipulation, bullying and an attempt for fawning. I am leaning towards a very neutral response.
Feeling sad that this is how I view my relationship with my Mom, I wish so much that it was different.

BefuddledClarity · July 18, 2020, 04:42:38 PM

QuoteI am leaning towards a very neutral response.

There's a technique called "Grey Rock" that talks about replying to PD persons in a "boring", neutral way in order to cut off the PD person's supply(i.e. the supply is a "reaction" from NonPD or trying to cause drama, or PD person wanting info to use against NonPD person, etc). Believe there might be something on this website in the Toolbox that talks about it in more depth. Thru the Rain's response is an example of Grey Rocking:

QuoteYou could play it straight and ignore just the latest message with something like "I got your texts. I'm/we're fine here. Not traveling due to covid-19. Wow that's a lot of water."

I tried to think of a way to respond to the last text in a way that doesn't suck you into a draining and nasty emotional exchange with your M.

In the example, it doesn't give the person too much details about your life, but is also cordial and neutral.

Lisa · July 22, 2020, 04:25:29 PM

I decided to respond a few days ago with a very neutral grey rock text....I am good, busy busy same old, not very fast with my phone sometimes let's chat soon.
Her response was that's nice your busy BUT you NEED to make time for me

I am glad I chose a neutral response

Thru the Rain · July 22, 2020, 05:46:00 PM

Quote from: needingsupport on July 22, 2020, 04:25:29 PM
I decided to respond a few days ago with a very neutral grey rock text....I am good, busy busy same old, not very fast with my phone sometimes let's chat soon.
Her response was that's nice your busy BUT you NEED to make time for me

I am glad I chose a neutral response

Great job!

From the sounds of her message back, she was gearing up for (and maybe looking forward to) a battle.

BefuddledClarity · July 22, 2020, 07:22:01 PM

Brilliant! Glad to hear how it turnt out.

anallusiontothesky · August 04, 2020, 07:06:03 AM

I'm glad your response went well. Something that I've seen work well for very those dealing with very enmeshed loved ones with a tendency toward emotional escalation is firm boundary setting. It sounds like you're really just starting to have the room to sort through some of these feelings. That sorting can be really really good (so don't let anyone make you feel guilty for it).

Examples of things I've seen work well for myself or others:

Setting a schedule for when you will reach out, and holding to this regardless of provocation to keep the contact schedule on their terms. This could be weekly, biweekly, monthly...whatever level of outreach is both feasible and that you are comfortable with. (Yes, even no contact is also OK.) The point of the schedule is to set the expectation that contact will occur--but it will not be based on or prompted by manipulative action or demand. It's meant as equal parts reassurance and boundary setting. For some, feeling bound to this type of regular contact is a non-starter (and that's fine), but even if you don't use a schedule, you can set boundaries.

E.g. you can set the expectation that when this person behaves a certain way you will not respond and may further limit contact for x amount of time. You can refuse to engage with them during inappropriate times (not answering at work--even if they call the office), etc.

Perhaps especially with enmeshed PD loved ones there is a tendency for them to try and control the flow of contact and demand it be on their terms directly or indirectly. They may insist that you must contact them first and that you be available to speak to them anytime they contact you, regardless of how inappropriate.

Text is a good example. It is literally designed around the ability to respond as able and not in immediacy. It's not weird if someone doesn't text you back right away and it's honestly much ruder to demand they be available to do so than to actually be unavailable to do so (or just not in the mood). However, such concepts of what is normal are often lost in this sort of dynamic.

When your relationship with a person has been this way for so long, it's easy to focus on feeling guilty for an assumed transgression rather than question whether we even transgressed at all.

Adrianna · August 05, 2020, 05:23:38 AM

Great job on your response! Keep in mind when you first start setting boundaries, when you have the knowledge of what is going on with her, she won't like it. People who violate boundaries don't like it when you stick to them. Expect her to become even more demanding for a while once you set this new dynamic into place. It will be challenging for you to not fall back into that role and be compliant to what she wants because it's the familiar dynamic. Stick with it and keep going. It's worth the discomfort and feels so good to finally value yourself over trying to please someone who can never be pleased.

Sadly most of us only find true peace when we go no contact or very low contact. Gray rock method works but I found, for my own well-being, the less interaction I have with them the better. There just seems to be no peace with them in my life and I don't want to live like that anymore.

Lisa · August 13, 2020, 08:16:29 AM

Wanted to provide an update. Since mom sent that text message she has been silent again, no phone calls, about 3 texts to a family group text just of pictures of some home decor purchases she has made.

No contact is something I have considered for awhile now, yet since it seems she has made the decision I am really struggling with feeling uncared for and unloved. I am feeling very sad, grieving possibly. An anxious part of me wants to text or call, I recognize I feel guilty for not reaching out to her.

GettingOOTF · August 13, 2020, 08:38:10 AM

For me I found that as I started seriously considering NC and then after I finally went NC I really battled with feeling uncared for and unloved. I think that on some level NC made me realize that I was in fact not cared for and not loved.

Once I went NC I still felt those things but I also felt an incredible sense of freedom, that I could finally be who I was instead of who my FOO told me and themselves I was.

You are under no obligation to respond to any text from anyone, including your mother and you can take as much time as you need to respond if that's what you decide to do.

The anxiousness and guilt is natural. For me I decided to sit with the uncomfortable feelings rather then temporarily soothe them by reaching out.

It's incredibly sad but I've done to accept that my family are who they are. Thule will never change and I don't want to live like I was when they were in my life.

Peace Lily · August 25, 2020, 02:55:14 AM

I agree with GettigoutoftgeFOG, it is better to sit with those uncomfortable feelings than get drawn in and suffer more unpleasant feelings and the sense of failure for not managing your boundaries. Your mother sounds a lot like mine. Sometimes demanding and at other times ignoring! (My mother could have written those messages - she often asks what she has done to upset me if I leave it too long before responding). The ignoring part is all part of the manipulation. You wonder if you have gone too far, have hurt her, will she ever talk to you again - should be a blessing but doesn't feel like it!

These days for me, if I don't hear in about 3 weeks I get worried that something has happened to one of them as they are both elderly and starting to struggle. I still feel guilt, but try to stand firm and just keep a flow of medium chill going in a VLC way. I have realised and accepted my mother doesn't love me as she doesn't actually know the real me! I am a projection.

LavenderLime · August 25, 2020, 12:00:36 PM

Hi there! I'm glad you were able to choose a neutral response and then share here the outcome, as well as your emotions. I am going through something very similar right now and it has been helpful to read what you and the others have written. I don't feel as guilty when I view it from an outside perspective. When I ruminate on it though - ooof! - that enormous pressure I feel to respond, to do as she commands, to just call and get it over with - it makes me feel terrible. So coming to these boards and reading similar situations has been very helpful. After all, I wouldn't even think of telling anyone here to do what I have been telling myself to do all these years! Best wishes to you & hugs!