Laying out the facts to an older teen after years of NC from g-parents

[Starboard Song]

We are approaching two important anniversaries. It is almost 4 years since the crisis that lead us to NC with my-inlaws, ultimately stripping them of correspondence with my DS, who was only 12 when this began. A few weeks after that, my DS will be 17, and on his glidepath to becoming an adult.

I have been struggling. I know that my MIL has a collection of images of every card she has sent my DS in the last few years: one a month, on average. We intercepted and destroyed them all. Some we read first. My son has known from the beginning that we were doing this: we have never lied to him. I know MIL also has a collection of gifts she is holding for him. And I know she is ready to mourn and cry and ask for a visit, and I know she will be offering money: to pay for airfare to Florida, to make gifts. And this I consider to be an attack on the integrity of my family.

For at the beginning, he was only 12. Most of what went on was not age appropriate. We couldn't explain, for instance, that Mema has called mom whatever, or written whatever condemnation. It didn't feel right to tell him about smears written about us to people in the community. So he is -- unknown to him -- approaching a time when he will be found and contacted, and be confronted with grandparents who love him so much and will be minding their manners so well. He will be confronted with this completely unequipped, because all he knows is that we had a falling out.

Until now.

I told my wife it was time, and she decided she should do it. She sat him down yesterday and layed out the whole thing. Early childhood memories. Multiple periods of silent treat -- 3 to 6 months, usually -- during his early life. And the ultimate crisis, collapse, libel, condemnation, and estrangement. She left no stone unturned. Still using respectful language, but making it very clear why we took the action we did.

She invited him to consider whether he'd like to one day receive mail from them, because his 18th birthday is only another too-short year away.

My wife is a goddamned hero. She did a great job. I go into engineer-attorney mode in such matters. It is not endearing. She was able to flash a little anger, express a lot of empathy, and hug and cry and laugh at all the right times. I feel like a weight has lifted. I am glad he's been read into the details. I feel vindicated.

We, too, are on a glidepath to adulthood.

[all4peace]

I am so, so, so very happy for your family. I know too well the terror of these bonds being threatened, and the agonizing process of re-examining our choices over and over again, and even more fear that our children will not be able to fully understand why we chose as we did. And to have your ILs constantly trying to poke right into your family and reach your son....

We have also gone through the process of trying to find the age-appropriate responses that look very different at 10 or 12 than nearly-adult age.

I love that your wife found her strength and wisdom to do this, and I love that you understand how courageous this was of her to do it, and for you to stand by and let her be the voice.

DH and I are also getting nearer and nearer a more full conversation like this. Life has an amazing way of introducing opportunities for these types of conversations about our values and how we handle it when unsafe people are trying to be close to us.

I am so happy for you, SS. You ARE on a glidepath! I know there has been tremendous pain to get you to the point, but you've made it! I really can't see any way that a stalker-PD gma would be able to disrupt the bond between you, your wife and your DS when your DS has had the benefit of calm, thoughtful and kind parenting for his life. Nicely done!

[Penny Lane]

This all sounds very positive, and I'm so happy for you all!

I think it is so important to be respectful of our children's ability to handle this sort of thing. Coddling them by keeping them in the dark forever just makes them easier targets. Truthful, age-appropriate information is so, so good for kids and young adults.

How do your son take it?

[Starboard Song]

He was great. He understood. He got it. He shared his own eye-popping observations. And he appreciated our emphasis on empathy rather than anger. He also got to hear from someone else how to make sense of me -- the passivist -- still plainly on a perpetual low-boil about this issue. He gets that this was my first rodeo, and so I am far more confused and conflicted.

A few times DW acknowledged that this happened at such a hard age: right in the middle, where it is such a challenge to decide what ago appropriate means. She described all of the counselors and mental health professionals we spoke to, and openly apologized for times we may have shared too much, or not enough.

My DS said we'd done a great job, and seemed to mean it. There was a single point where my wife over-shared and immediately regretted it. But she was on the wall, and did a great great job. I think DS will want to see mail eventually. I think, because he is very sweet, he may one day contact them.

He will never on this earth do so naively. He's been told the facts, understood the indications that he was only hearing the tip of the iceberg, and he knows what it takes to drive me to engineer-attorney mode: that when I speak in that mode you can safely bet your life that I can back my words.

And, for the first time in three years, my wife was our voice to him. He needed that. It is a wise voice.

[all4peace]

That sounds wonderful! Our kids are their own selves with their own minds and ways of seeing the world, and I love that your son will surely be a really fantastic blend of himself with the influence of his parents. Well done!

[Starboard Song]

It's been about a week, and having my son "read in" to our situation with his grandparents has definitely helped me.

When I try to fantasize about future conflicts, him knowing the past has changed how I view those occasions. I am less of an angry papa bear, and more one of a few meerkats, standing a-tip toe to observe the strange oddity to the right: whatever odd behavior my happen or erupt from my in-laws. In my fantasies now -- and I do have them -- I react more like we all do to a tiny toddler throwing their first, pathetic little tantrum: it is cute, innocent, and not at all upsetting.

This doesn't solve everything, but excluding my son from details definitely made all this far more stressful. Age-appropriate communications are critical, but I am glad my young man was ready for the upgrade.

[Amadahy]

*Standing O*
👏👏👏
Well done, all y'all!

[11JB68]

What a relief it must be for all of you. We went nc with my foo when ds was about 5. He knew very little, similar to you, that there had been a falling out, that grandma and I had had a disagreement or fight. Then he turned18 and she sent him a card with a check. We intercepted it but told him. I explained quite a bit. We gave him the choice. He chose not to pursue contact.

[all4peace]

I'm thankful for what a load off your shoulders, and your wife's, this must be!

[moglow]

OMGoodness, that is HUGE! I'm so glad for y'all - and for YOU, papa bear. That's got to be such a huge relief for all of you.

I was blessed to have a similar conversation with Daddy when I was 17. I finally asked and he answered all the questions. I'd listened to mother cuss and gripe about him for years, believed most of it (because she's the mother), and he had never felt comfortable enough or us ready for him sharing his side. To his credit -as in yours- he shared facts, not dramatics and threats. That makes all the difference in the world, even for an older kid.

What a relief to be able to breathe with you on this one!

[Mintstripes]

This is such an amazing post and I applaud you!!! Seriously you are all amazing.

[xredshoesx]

my stepmom had 'the talk' with me the summer i met her and my little sisters (21).  it was eye opening to say the least, to hear all that had played out since i was little and then the forced NC from my dad's perspective.