Big argument - help please!

[11JB68]

Big argument with uOCPDh -started Sunday am - lasted all Sunday and into Monday.
Started with - we had an issue to decide how to handle on Sat. afternoon. Sort of agreed on a way to handle it but it was sort of chaotic. H had thrown out a couple of options but sort of decided on one.
Sun am I said as he was on his way out the door, when you come back can we talk about what to do with the car situation.
He said - go ahead. I said no when you come back in. He said no go ahead. So I said well, I was thinking maybe we should do x instead of y.
He got angry, said no I already decided, we are doing y. then went out to smoke. I think I said, okay that's fine or maybe something like oh well, I was just thinking and he said no. (This was the 3rd time that am that I started to talk to him about something and he interrupted me).
He came back in and started at me that he was 'pissed off'. Me: why? Him: because I made a decision and you're going to go off and do something different. Me: no, I just wanted to discuss it.... On and on, circular arguing. Then he starts with: It's only because it would be easier for DS, you always want to do what's easiest for him, I just want him to have to be an adult. etc etc.  Me: it wasn't because of that...Him: yes it is! You have a blind spot with him. (well, it wasn't...I had my own reasons).
So - at some point I thought we were sort of done, I agreed we'd do it his way etc. but I was not going to cop to either 1) planning to JUST go ahead and go against him OR 2) doing it only for DS's benefit. but I thought we were done.
But no... he had to continue it. So- this is what happens if I don't totally MC everything. We get into circular discussions/arguments. he pushes and pushes until I then get angry and start telling him how I feel about his controlling ways.
THEN he argues with me about that.
It just gets worse and worse. If at any time I try to back out,he wants to keep going but THEN, at a certain point he feels that I'm 'beating up on him', that I'm bullying him. That I'm being mean to him.
That's what happened.
At some point (sunday or Monday) he asked me what happened...he used to be a jerk, I'd cry, he'd apologize, etc. Now I'm being a jerk to him but I don't apologize. (I asked him was THAT better?? Me crying all the time?)
Well, he sank into a depression.  Told me had sat and thought of ways to kill himself.
Told me he was having chest pains
Monday afternoon he tells me he had felt suicidal. And that, well, if I left him, he wouldn't be around for very long (!!)
THIS is what I'm terrified of if I ever DID leave!
he was a mess. But then he starts in on me, trying to make me feel guilty, trying to psychoanalyze me etc....
However at one point he talked about his anger/rage and I mentioned that he discussed that with the cardiology nurse and she gave him suggestions and should he try those. (NO. Won't help.) what about therapy, she mentioned therapy. Well, I think he just changed the subject. As usual I'm the one that needs to go to therapy. I mentioned that several years ago I suggested we go together and he wouldn't, wanted me to go. (As depressed/upset as he was he did not say 'well, if you think it would help I'll go now', NO, just yes you should go!)
This was the biggest/messiest fight we've had in a long time, and boy I was so close to walking out.
I don't know what to do!

[SparkStillLit]

Hugs, my sister in a parallel universe.  We have these self same arguments.  All I can offer are some hugs, and to say that I personally withdraw as much as possible and MC all the health nonsense.  I knit or go outside & garden. Or read! Idk if any of this would be remotely helpful.
I'm sorry this has happened. Love & strength to you!!!

[1footouttadefog]

It seems that the argument was not actually about the issue that needed a solution.  It was instead about the thinking and motives behind the possible options being offered. 

I would place a boundary on mindreading.  Don't engage or cut out if the conversations change from factual to mind reading and motive policing.  Perhaps redirect to facts once before disengaging.

No circular arguments.  "This is getting nowhere perhaps we need more time to analyze the actual problem."

Also it's okay to stand up for your preference even if he disagrees with a fact. Ex I realize you see this as an opportunity to teach DS a life lesson but I don't feel it overrides....cost....inconvenience...whatever.

As to him noticing a change in your engagement and being suicidal, let him own that.  Reordering that means he is saying If I cannot manipulate you with bad behavior I will kill myself.

This is being interpreted in my reading as ; If I cannot continue to control you with the old tricks I will up the antie to suicide threats.

What a messy way to spend the weekend.  Hop you find better times ahead.

[11JB68]

Thank you both! I feel he is definitely using DARVO (is that the right term??)

[blunk]

Wow, I could have written this a few years ago. I'm so sorry you're going through this now.

Towards the end my BPDxh would threaten suicide frequently. IMO it was a complete manipulation. If I disagreed with him, if I didn't respond the way he expected (MC or GR), and quite frequently during the divorce process. I always felt like he wanted me to say, no...don't...I'll be better...I'll do what you want...I didn't mean it when I said I wanted a divorce. I also felt like he knew that would be the ultimate guilt, and that I wouldn't want to be blamed for him killing himself. He even said more than once after one of these situations...whatever I do now is on you.

Once we were apart, and I started feeling stronger, I set the boundary; if you threaten suicide I will call the police and request a welfare check. Never did have to make that call, the behavior stopped once he knew I was serious about involving the police.

[GettingOOTF]

My BPDxH used to threaten suicide all the time. I remember rushing home from work fully expecting him to be dead only to find he'd gone out with friends.

One day he called me saying he was going to jump off a bridge. It was the second time he did that. The first time I was hysterical and called 911 - they didn't find him. He probably wasn't even there when he called.

Something in me snapped and I remember thinking how much better my life would be if he did it.  I told him that the should call his mother so she'd know to collect his body as I wouldn't tell her and I hung up.

He never threatened it again.

One of his doctors told me that people who threaten rarely go through with it. It's just a way they manipulate others.

If anyone near me even hints at it again I'm walking away and calling 911. If they are serious they will get the help they need and if they aren't they'll think twice before threatening it again.

It's a terrible threat to make.

[1footouttadefog]

If mine ever threatens suicide i will get him to emergency help. Then I will let him know that us separating is a matter of life and death and it needs to happen asap.

[Whatthehey]

I am sending you hugs for what must have been a tumultuous and painful weekend.

I would like to address the manipulation behind the suicide, depression and heart talk.  Every time I would start to exercise my own opinions or independence, xOCPDh would pull one of those stunts.  He would do the "I have no friends;" "No one would come to my funeral" or "my chest hurts" or "I just hate my job so much I want to kill myself". "I can't live without you, I will kill myself". and on and on and on.  He kept me on a leash for decades using these tropes.

That is what they are - tropes.  Time worn strategies he used to control me.  I would forget what we were arguing about and the issue would disappear for months and when it popped up again (whatever issue it was from the car, house to kids - usually money) we would start again.  It was decades of circular arguing with no resolution.

It has been a year since I left and funny enough, he is ok.  I can't say your h would be ok but  in the end; you are not responsible for his behavior or actions.  Only your own.