Stuck and trying not to get depressed

[Breadroll]

Feeling stuck. Covid job loss, since worked hard but very little income to date. . Keep coming up against walls, and of course, narcs.. just putting in so much effort for zilch. Concerned friends «  haven't you got income «  which is excruciating.   Particularly acutely felt at present whilst observing well marketed but unskilled people manipulate systems to their ends. Am considering packing up my skills and experience altogether, and shrinking back. Live on a tiny stream of income until I whittle down savings to zero.. it is incredibly male dominated, «  who you know » type industry, and  my face doesn't fit.

Trying to keep cheerful in front of older kids, not yet launched. 
It's triggering in the sense that xnpdh was extraordinarily successful in working system, and very cruel. Feel lucky to be out of there of course,  but at massive cost- something people here understand. ( xnpdh is thriving and wealthy) .
In some ways it feels as though I keep walking this same road, getting hit by the same truck..,, » do all the work, watch the man take the credit, don't complain or you will be destroyed - go away » .

Got things I need to be strong for at present, and cannot afford to be so worried all the time.  Need to take a deep breath I guess.

Thanks for listening

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Recently had to find some paperwork and in process came across some email exchanges with xnpdh during the first year after separation. It was hell. He refused - well, didn't respond at all- when asked politely to please see his lawyer to sort out separation.( necessary in this country)  I begged in email, it was so hard, I had the kids, and had moved into a rental, barely holding head above water.  - and he had replied saying " sending emails just hurts both of us". He was with gf, taking her on long holidays. He delayed everything until I was on knees, and wished, lI had gone straight to court- a two year waiting list. After two years already, I had cracked, couldn't take it any more, snd settled fir z stupidly low sum, where he lied and  hid stuff.  Awful.  Never paid any child support and threatened me if I ever tried yo take it up legally.  Oddly though, was glad just yo bd alive, as had true fear of what he was capable of. Sociopath.
Obviously had long lasting effects  on self confidence, and  bubbles up at times like this..phew.

[1footouttadefog]

I am unsure of all your details in terms of career etc.  Please excuse if you posted them elsewhere.

It sound like you are at a place where hard choices must be made.  Like there are several battles being fought. 

I have been there and had to make big decisions about how to best make my way forward.  Also though it was difficult at first I found my decisions paid off because they fixed what I needed fix most according to my values and prioroties at the time.


I once had to change entirely my career path only to have to change and entirely reinvent myself once again a few years later.  I had to write down my goals and things that needed solved and determined to brainstorm a path forward.  I decided to get into a certain line if work and faked it until I made it so to speak.  I found I was a perfect match for a niche within a niche.  I was soon so absorbed into my new work that I did not miss my old work.  My goals were being met. 

I had decided to be a tech support and small business consultant.  Most if my clients were elderly and small business owned by semi retirees.  I never advertised beyond one and that was legally required.  I took my business cards to buy competitors and told to seen the cranky old folks they had no patience for to me.  They did.  Then word of mouth took care of the rest.

Being that you are dealing with a sociopath your choices only have to make a sense to you.  Do what you feel brings the most safety and peace.  Be strong.

[Breadroll]

Thanks so much for constructive reply. I have niche tech expertise " at a high level".  And it seems that completely reappraising things might actually be a positive. I used to be optimistic and can find that again.
It's heartening to hear your transition ( twice) was successful.  I think I am mourning the loss in some way, feeling defeated. Your reply has made a difference - thank you again.