Finally Learning From Mistakes

[Kat54]

I am learning from past relationships but it's really hard to move on from these people who are not good for me.
The person I was dating for several months, I've been no contact with him but I've been tempted to reach out to him. WHY!!!
Not going to because the red flags were waving wildly at me and I'm happy to be  thinking of myself.
In stepping away from him I now see there were many. Anyone who refers to his mother as a dumb a.... Like he did.
It really shows his character. Even though I had major issues with my mother I would never talk about her that way.

I miss his company but he has some real big issues I can't help him with. And at 62 I don't think he's looking to improve his character flaws.

This was the first time aside from my marriage I ended a romantic relationship with someone I had feelings for, instead of hanging on to the person for dear life no matter how bad it was. Appeasing, co-dependent, doing whatever it takes.

And writing to this forum and getting advice really helps.

[bloomie]

Kat54 - can we celebrate this with you?

This was the first time aside from my marriage I ended a romantic relationship with someone I had feelings for, instead of hanging on to the person for dear life no matter how bad it was. Appeasing, co-dependent, doing whatever it takes.

This is a huge paradigm shift. I mean a life changing shift!!! I get the siren call of a quick fix for our loneliness, but you are not falling for it or willing to return to someone you know is not what will bring you the satisfying and mutually respectful relationship you are looking for.

What a great update!

[SonofThunder]

Kat54 - can we celebrate this with you?

This was the first time aside from my marriage I ended a romantic relationship with someone I had feelings for, instead of hanging on to the person for dear life no matter how bad it was. Appeasing, co-dependent, doing whatever it takes.

This is a huge paradigm shift. I mean a life changing shift!!! I get the siren call of a quick fix for our loneliness, but you are not falling for it or willing to return to someone you know is not what will bring you the satisfying and mutually respectful relationship you are looking for.

What a great update!

+1. Great job Kat54!

SoT

[NarcKiddo]

Good for you. This is a really positive update. 

[Kat54]

It's been a few weeks and he texted me to meet him for coffee next week when he gets back from visiting his daughter.  I actually started crying, not that I was glad to hear from him but because I was feeling very sad and some anxiety getting a text from him.

I went through such a bad divorce with my ex and getting to this point in my life where I've had peace the last few years and then meeting this man and bringing with him some upheaval. While we've had many great times it's been a roller coaster with his moods and fear of getting into anything serious with me. We're dating, we're just friends, then I'm staying over, then we're friends again.  He knows my stance and what I want but he's been trying to dictate how he wants things so I can't do that anymore.

I agreed to maybe meet and listen to him and to text me when he gets back. I'll think about it through the weekend and if I shouldn't I'll just tell him it's not a good time right now.

I've learned from my mistakes but the mistake is trying to circle back around.

[notrightinthehead]

Do you want to meet him? And why?

[Srcyu]

Since it's been a few weeks I would definitely say that puts you in the friend category.
Meeting with him to hear what he has to say implies hope on your part and possibly manipulation on his.

He doesn't make you happy, it's been a few weeks and you've made progress.

I hope you can come to the right conclusion for yourself.


milly

[Call Me Cordelia]

I agree with Windmill. Your feelings seem mostly negative about this relationship, and you felt good about ending it. Sadness, anxiety, and upheaval stand out to me in how you describe your feelings. You've agreed to maybe meet and listen to HIM. Of course you've given us a brief summary of everything, but I don't see the reciprocity and genuine connection that you were wanting. He knows what you do want, and he's been trying to dictate how things are anyway? 



Time spent on this relationship is an opportunity cost, taking energy from finding what you are looking for. You do deserve to be with people who treat you well.

[Kat54]

not sure I'll meet him, likely not. The more time that goes by its unlikely I'll see him again, he's too high maintenance and I can't have that in my world anymore. 
No I was not happy with him. He causes me stress. And the fact that I shed a tear, out he goes.

[Breadroll]

It can be hard to let go of the dream of the relationship - even when you absolutely know it's not real.  Speaking from experience!
Crappy childhood fairy has some good videos on limerance which I found helpful. Some advice I found useful - Be kind to yourself/ you deserve to be be treated with respect and dignity - and not have your time wasted.

[JustKeepTrying]

Kat54 - I am so impressed with your ability to look at yourself and your life, feelings and really evaluate the relationship and call it.  That is amazing and inspirational.  JKT

[mary_poppins]

True, that is a huge shift. To end things with someone you have feelings for because they are not healthy for you is immensely powerful. I have done that once with my last boyfriend who didn't want to commit, didn't care too much about us. I had to go NC with him. Still thought about him for a long time after the break up but my life improved so much due to it.
I think taking these small steps out of codependency will really help us. It can also break the trauma bond we have with our PD families. If we can go NC with a person who we're in love with but who's unhealthy for us it means we can also break up with our PD family (who we love but who's damaging for our self-esteem).

Oh, the feeling of hanging onto a person for dear life is familiar to me. And so unhealthy. Stems from abusive upbringing. So sad we had to hang on to our mother/father for dear life because we thought they were the only ones capable to love us/provide for us. But we're adults now, hopefully  we see things much more differently now.

[escapingman]

To end it with someone you love is the hardest, I never thought I divorce uNPDxw but despite how much I loved her she was unavailable for me and very toxic. For me it will probably take a long time before I would trust someone enough to go on a date.