Suddenly it all makes sense

[LifeIsWorthLiving]

Hi everyone,

I've been reading articles on this site for some time but just decided to register. Over the past couple of years I learned that not only is my dad a narcissist, but my mother is too. She is so clever about it that she has most people convinced she is simply a lifetime victim, but she is an expert at stirring the pot. I gave up a lot of my life to them and they were quite happy to simply throw me away as soon as I no longer went along with all their lies and backstabbing. It's been a rough year after basically losing what I thought was my identity, but I am  growing as a person, making friends, and finally discovering who I REALLY am. I am also rejecting some of the bad habits I learned from them. Some of my siblings get it, but others seem to think I am being selfish for refusing to subject myself to abuse anymore. That is tough, but I think they are at a different stage in their journey. I am glad I can go mostly no contact with my abusers. They still try to meddling in my life, and each time they contact me it takes me a while to recover, but I am getting faster at recovering and I am healing the wounds they inflicted in the past. I'm excited for what life has to offer.

Thanks for reading!

[Starboard Song]

 

You are a hero! I see so many great components in that brief post.

• You identified that there is a problem, and know it is a durable pattern from which you must protect yourself
• You see how complex it can be, involving a couple
• You've begun to establish boundaries and limit contact
• You're being nice to yourself, it sounds like: you can't be perfect and it still hurts, but less
• You've accepted collateral damage with grace: they are all on their own journey, and you wish them well

You are going to do great for yourself, and for all the wonderful people you are going to influence in the future. I really believe we owe it  to all those people downstream of us to make ourselves the best we can be. To break intergenerational cycles. To rid ourselves of our own fleas. To ensure that those who would predictably hurt us or those we love are not given license to do so. The damage and the hurt have to stop, and it is loving and kind to help stop it.

So thank you for sharing the great start of your story, and welcome to Out of the FOG! As your journey rolls along, there will be trials. My family is bracing for a metaphorical cyclone bomb right this moment, 3 1/2 years into our little journey. But you'll keep getting stronger and this community will be here with you.

And yes, life is worth living. If we make it so.

[LifeIsWorthLiving]

Thank you! That is really encouraging.

[openskyblue]

Welcome to Out of the FOG!

I'll chime in with Starboard and say that I hope you give yourself a pat on the back for having the realizations you have had and making boundaries. It's very hard to put aside toxic family relationships and build a new life. It sounds like you've made a strong start.

This is a supportive and safe space with a lot of great resources and wise people. I wish you the best and welcome!

[GentleSoul]

Welcome, so much I relate to in your post. 

Very good work on becoming able to see reality of the behaviours.  That was the hardest part for me.   

[fixingtofix]

....Over the past couple of years I learned that not only is my dad a narcissist, but my mother is too. She is so clever about it that she has most people convinced she is simply a lifetime victim, but she is an expert at stirring the pot....

This my family! My father is an alcoholic, so all the problems were blamed on him. After they divorced, my dad's drinking decreased (didn't stop) but his moods became a lot better. My mom other the other hand, her PD issues increased. "Oh it's his fault, he doesn't have to pay child support. I don't qualify for food stamps* because I have a roof over my head. I lost my job because I have to take care of my kids." She made sure that everyone knew that she was trying but my dad held her back.

Yeah, dad's drinking was a problem, no doubt, but mom's issues caused so much more of a problem for me in my teen years and into my 20s.

*and I owned a house and two cars then went down to one income due to the 2008 recession and we were able to get food stamps, that was honestly the beginning of the opening of my eyes. In 2012, she used the same line, "I can't get any public assistance because I'm not homeless."

It is a great feeling when you start to put it all together and break free and start to heal!

[LifeIsWorthLiving]

Thanks fixingtofix. It took me years to figure this out. Now I know, I'm determined to heal and get on with my life. It's becoming enjoyable. I was such a different person in my twenties. I feel for my past self, but I love my current self.

My parents tend to work as a team and feed off each other's toxic supply. They always have "enemies" that out for their distruction. I was embarrassingly old when I realized that most people don't have "enemies" like my parents seemed to have. The thing that really kicked this healing process into gear was when I accidentally became the enemy. I didn't know what happened. They just suddenly hated me. It was the best thing that they could have done.